Posts by cpuissant

cpuissant

Aug 5, 2014

Undergraduate / For Those Who Can't; accomplishment or event that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood [2]

There is absolutely no feeling that compares <(compares to what? You shouldn't start off with a short sentence, you could say, "There is absolutely no feeling that compares to that night --however long ago it was--" or something along those lines)>.

Instead, I was entertained by a pre-made video that affected me more than I could have ever fathomed. <(either say "more than I could have ever fathomed or more than I could ever fathom" or just take out the ever)>

I was determined to make a change <(or ' assist the cause")>, because no one else seemed to...

Went through and made some changes that I thought were needed. This is a very well- written essay, good word choice and imagery. Very nice conclusion. Read through it carefully though, I made a lot of smaller changes. Hope this helped!

cpuissant

Aug 4, 2014

Undergraduate / "I didn't deserve it" - GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT! [3]

During my Junior year of high school I was presented with a question that asked what my greatest accomplishment was. At the time I found myself conflicted with how to approach such a question. I have always been the kid on the bleaches when it came to sports,so athletics were out. I am a pretty standard student, nothing incredible about my intelligence. Nor is my life comprised of medals and certificates for extraordinary feats. Today though, I answer that I am proud of surviving all the hardships I've experienced thus far.

My history teacher once told me, 'that it is the most tortured people that have the greatest minds". Perhaps this is why I find myself immersed in literature and art <(Go into this further, explain why you say this)>. Or it could be my way of escaping from my forlorn pain. Denial? A way of moving forward? There is always a speculation, a theory, or a guess to every question presented. What I wish though is that I will never know the answer to why my parents hate me. Why they refuse to ever look at me, or be involved in my life. I am 17 years old, legally I am not even considered an adult, but that doesn't matter. Family is suppose to be forever. <(You need a transition statement from your history teacher, to liking art to your parents hating you, it's all choppy and random).>

But they won't be there. They will look the other way, like they have done since I am came out. <(Define came out? are we talking birth here? If so say sine the day I was born)>They will continue to preach the bible to me, condemn me for my supposed sins, and continue to rant on about my being "ungodly." I guess it was easy for them to step away from me knowing my sister can take my place in all of life's milestone. Likewise their abuse continues to linger, stifling any reconciliation. But I have accepted my fate: Abandoned, abused, and alone.

Let me provide you with an answer to why I feel this is an accomplishment: I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve believing that I was an abomination, and that I was going to hell. I didn't deserve being ostracized and harassed. I didn't deserve to have my body and mind violated. And I didn't deserve to lose my parents. All those things happened to me and I am still here. I survived living with an extremely low self esteem. I survived living with depression. I survived so much pain with no one to cry to. I survived not having a home. I survived the paranoia that came with being unable to find food. I survived more than most people will ever experience in a lifetime.

As a result, I grew up to fast. I have learned to stand on my own two feet. To make something of myself. To no longer be affected by others' actions. To be confident and trust myself. I have learned that there are hard choices to be made, and I can make them. I have learned that the only validation I need is from myself. I have learned to love myself. I've realized that the scars that are left on me,will be forever a reminder of what I have endured and what I can overcome.

cpuissant

Aug 4, 2014

Undergraduate / Fun and Pranking Essay -- Caltech [2]

There isn't much to criticize here. This is fabulously written. Two things though. Put some comas in: "From classics like Caesar's cipher<,> to current powerhouses like RSA<,> to military level Blowfish algorithms, name an encryption algorithm, its probably in my arsenal." (it's a list after all). And this sentence "For me, cryptography is more than just a hobby, it's my method of finding patterns in the world, and trying to figure out what data is hidden right in front of our eyes, yet we fail to recognize." Is a coma splice, so separate it into two sentences instead of one. Overall, good essay. It's interesting and you have a pretty awesome talent, good luck with your essay.

cpuissant

Aug 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] 'advertising manipulates people' - Positives and Negatives of Ad's [3]

In today's material world, we are inundated with various forms of advertising that we cannot easily escape from it. While there are few negative impacts on people, I believe that they have become indispensable part of modern business.

Take out 'it' from the end of the first sentence (check your tenses) And add "an' between become and indispensable. "Secondly, small to large business get name, fame and profit by advertisements and becomes a formidable contender in the market." Should it be businesses? And becomes should be 'they become' or just 'become'. CHECK TENSES! I struggle with them as well. Pretty solid essay, try to expand more on your conclusion choice.

cpuissant

Aug 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / 'I'm happy when I can solve difficult problems myself' - Studying alone or in groups? [2]

"All of those are a general purpose of student that they want to get success in their study. According to different subjects, each method will has strong-point and weak-point." Needs to be reworded. Something along the lines of..."Either way, whether studying in a group or alone, students want to be successful when studying. According to different studies, (LIST THEM, instead of saying different studies, be specific) each method has a strong-point and a weak-point" And I just read through your essay, I think you should go through and make sure you don't have as many grammatical errors, and tenses before posting again, it's hard to go through and just rewrite your essay, good luck though!

cpuissant

Aug 4, 2014

Undergraduate / Creative Spoof - Madison Application Essay [2]

Prompt: Consider something in your life that goes unnoticed, and why it's important to you. (Just a rough draft, mind you)
Essay: There are countless things in life that go unnoticed. Whether it is society's choice to turn a blind eye or just a stubborn refusal by us all to see things how they really are. If I had hours, pages, multiple cartridges of printer ink, maybe, just maybe I could somehow paint a picture with words of what the world really looks like. The bags under my eyes, the wrinkles on my forehead, and the smile creases by the corners of my eyes tell the story well enough, but I am far older mentally than I appear, or than time can measure me by.

So, without further ado, I give you oh prized reader, a glimpse into my life, my past, a sad yet hopeful memory that has stayed with me. So, let's backtrack four years, to a younger less whimsical version of myself. I remember that day, because I promised myself I would never forget. I was being rolled back from the recovery room, passing multiple children, who were screaming, crying, and staring blankly at walls. But I didn't care or mind, their voices all blended into the background, the sound that was the environment of the hospital. Everything was so far away, I was in my own little world and all that existed was my hospital bed being pushed by a nice lady in white. The last room down that bleak, white washed hospital hallway sat a boy, instead of crying or wallowing in self-pity at the lot that life had cast him, he looked out. At the nurses, at the doctors, at me. I laid there with my striped year old hospital blanket, completely unaware of my surrounding, just waking up from the anesthesia, everything bright, blurry, and new. And then in that second, the brief second it took for the nurse to push my bed past his room he looked straight at me. He had a look on his face, an empathetic look, worn only by those who have been through the same, who understood. His face twitched into a ghost of a smile, a small reassurance, and he waved. Me, so groggy, my reflexes so slow, I waved back, but it was delayed. I was already past his room and his eyesight when my hand finally listened to my brain and fluttered in the air, an insufficient wave to a desolate wall.

I'm still torn by the realization that I could not offer up to him the same comfort he gave me, but I will never forget. Life has given me a chance to put myself to the test, to face a challenge, and at the time it gave me an angel to get through it with. It is the little things, the things that influence us the most that sometimes go unnoticed to those who do not take the time to look for it. I can honestly say that my hardships in life, ones unnoticed by others, either through my own pride or the lack of their caring has made me into who I am today. I embrace my past, and aspire for an ever brighter future grateful for my shot in this world.