Iyeshaferguson
Sep 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - young people's challenges in major cities [7]
Overall, very good essay I agree with the people above!
Overall, very good essay I agree with the people above!
Iyeshaferguson
Sep 21, 2014
Undergraduate / 'emotion, unlike any other, struck my body like an arrow' - Villanova Essay [2]
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the beginning it completely catches my attention.
"My family was in Atlanta visiting the Georgia Aquarium. Since it is known as the largest aquarium in the United States, it was an extremely exciting day for me. My family didn't travel a lot, so getting to witness something held in such high regardlike that meant a lot to me."
-Try to rephrase this statement
"While my body stood still, I could feel my presence drifting into the tank along with it. It was a whale shark, the largest fish in the known world. It was so remarkable, and I imagined it as the queen of the ocean. There was a beautiful grace about it that I wanted to mimic in my own life. A presence it had that I wanted to have in my own life. It seemed to embrace who it was and never cowered in the shadows. People and animals alike respected it for that. It also didn't cause any harm at the expense of others and I greatly admired that."
-I had to read this statement a couple times because I couldn't find what made your heart jump so much then I finally spotted it, so try to make that a little more noticeable by putting it more early on in the sentence then showing how it made you feel.
Other than those 2 points above, I really enjoyed the piece I can feel the passion in your words which is really good.
Let me know if you change anything!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the beginning it completely catches my attention.
"My family was in Atlanta visiting the Georgia Aquarium. Since it is known as the largest aquarium in the United States, it was an extremely exciting day for me. My family didn't travel a lot, so getting to witness something held in such high regard
-Try to rephrase this statement
"While my body stood still, I could feel my presence drifting into the tank along with it. It was a whale shark, the largest fish in the known world. It was so remarkable, and I imagined it as the queen of the ocean. There was a beautiful grace about it that I wanted to mimic in my own life. A presence it had that I wanted to have in my own life. It seemed to embrace who it was and never cowered in the shadows. People and animals alike respected it for that. It also didn't cause any harm at the expense of others and I greatly admired that."
-I had to read this statement a couple times because I couldn't find what made your heart jump so much then I finally spotted it, so try to make that a little more noticeable by putting it more early on in the sentence then showing how it made you feel.
Other than those 2 points above, I really enjoyed the piece I can feel the passion in your words which is really good.
Let me know if you change anything!
Iyeshaferguson
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once. COMMON APP [6]
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help and all your honest feedback!
Let me know if you'd like my opinion on anything!
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help and all your honest feedback!
Let me know if you'd like my opinion on anything!
Iyeshaferguson
Sep 6, 2014
Undergraduate / For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once. COMMON APP [6]
Prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Essay:
For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once.
There I was on my 12th birthday watching as my family gawked over what I consider to be a mediocre achievement of my brother. At that moment I knew I was almost but soon forgotten in my families eyes. I did not know if I could handle being the "forgotten" child, I had heard a lot of stories about middle children and how they always turned out to be the "messed up" one of the family.
Being brought up as the "forgotten" child I was forced to be an adult at the age of 12. Now as I look back at my childhood I realize the lack of attention I received in a sense gave me a superpower i'm so grateful to have now. Even though at the time I still looked at my parents for a sense of belonging I knew if they disappeared I would be able to take care of myself. My main issues occurred when it came to self love and self worth. Being ignored by my parents made me seek love elsewhere, I sought out someone or something to give me the self confidence I lacked and the love I felt I never received. At the time my parents were very free with me. For example they would let me go Downtown Chicago every weekend until 11pm or 12am not having a clue of where I was or what I was doing.
It was late September, the weather was cool, and it was that time of year I would sit in a Downtown Chicago park and admire the leaves changing colors, squirrels whisking from tree to tree, and Chicago natives walking their dogs with sweaters. It was that day I was sexually assaulted. After that day, I became reserved, shy and very angry towards everyone and everything including my parents and God. I began indirectly begging them for attention by fighting with my mother, sneaking out of the house, ignoring family, and even attempts of suicide. After being sexually assaulted I believed it was my fault, that I lead him towards me, that if I didn't dress a certain way or if I didn't greet that man with a smile this would have never happened.
Thankfully, one day I heard a beautiful quote by Rumi that said, "The garden of the world has no limits, except your mind" and at that moment I decided take my life into my own hands. I realized that self love comes from within, no one can give it to you not even you parents. I began to connect with God and most importantly I began to forgive myself. I took self defense classes with the knowledge that no one can hurt me but the ones I allow to hurt me. I started back talking to my now best friend of 8 years. I began walking with my head up, I finally started to see myself as the beautiful girl inside and out that I was destined to be. I now know if it wasn't for that dark time I would've never became the light of my own life. I now am a soft-hearted, confident, and intelligent young woman who is finally in the driver seat of her own life.
It's ironic how the worst part of your life can become your greatest motivation.
Help:
Does it answer the question?
Is it too much?
Is it detailed?
Does it make sense?
Prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Essay:
For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once.
There I was on my 12th birthday watching as my family gawked over what I consider to be a mediocre achievement of my brother. At that moment I knew I was almost but soon forgotten in my families eyes. I did not know if I could handle being the "forgotten" child, I had heard a lot of stories about middle children and how they always turned out to be the "messed up" one of the family.
Being brought up as the "forgotten" child I was forced to be an adult at the age of 12. Now as I look back at my childhood I realize the lack of attention I received in a sense gave me a superpower i'm so grateful to have now. Even though at the time I still looked at my parents for a sense of belonging I knew if they disappeared I would be able to take care of myself. My main issues occurred when it came to self love and self worth. Being ignored by my parents made me seek love elsewhere, I sought out someone or something to give me the self confidence I lacked and the love I felt I never received. At the time my parents were very free with me. For example they would let me go Downtown Chicago every weekend until 11pm or 12am not having a clue of where I was or what I was doing.
It was late September, the weather was cool, and it was that time of year I would sit in a Downtown Chicago park and admire the leaves changing colors, squirrels whisking from tree to tree, and Chicago natives walking their dogs with sweaters. It was that day I was sexually assaulted. After that day, I became reserved, shy and very angry towards everyone and everything including my parents and God. I began indirectly begging them for attention by fighting with my mother, sneaking out of the house, ignoring family, and even attempts of suicide. After being sexually assaulted I believed it was my fault, that I lead him towards me, that if I didn't dress a certain way or if I didn't greet that man with a smile this would have never happened.
Thankfully, one day I heard a beautiful quote by Rumi that said, "The garden of the world has no limits, except your mind" and at that moment I decided take my life into my own hands. I realized that self love comes from within, no one can give it to you not even you parents. I began to connect with God and most importantly I began to forgive myself. I took self defense classes with the knowledge that no one can hurt me but the ones I allow to hurt me. I started back talking to my now best friend of 8 years. I began walking with my head up, I finally started to see myself as the beautiful girl inside and out that I was destined to be. I now know if it wasn't for that dark time I would've never became the light of my own life. I now am a soft-hearted, confident, and intelligent young woman who is finally in the driver seat of her own life.
It's ironic how the worst part of your life can become your greatest motivation.
Help:
Does it answer the question?
Is it too much?
Is it detailed?
Does it make sense?
Iyeshaferguson
Sep 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: Governments should focus to solve today problems rather future ones [5]
Hi! So I'll just jump in...
"It implies that having anticipated problems in the future, it would be wiser to tackle present matters in order to mitigate their consequences."
-Who is the "it" in this statement, be more specific because I was confused.
-Remove that coma, its not needed but not necessarily an error.
-Again who is "it"?
"The deadly virus has caused large number of casualties and the WHO has alerted its"
-Who is "WHO?" put in parenthesis what it stands for because I thought you were saying "who" as a person.
Your grammar is very good actually...
I'm just concerned that you aren't fully answering the question...
Try to use and example from the past that still exists today, and if you did that and I didn't notice try to clear it up to make that point obvious.
Hi! So I'll just jump in...
"It implies that having anticipated problems in the future, it would be wiser to tackle present matters in order to mitigate their consequences."
-Who is the "it" in this statement, be more specific because I was confused.
-Remove that coma, its not needed but not necessarily an error.
-Again who is "it"?
"The deadly virus has caused large number of casualties and the WHO has alerted its"
-Who is "WHO?" put in parenthesis what it stands for because I thought you were saying "who" as a person.
Your grammar is very good actually...
I'm just concerned that you aren't fully answering the question...
Try to use and example from the past that still exists today, and if you did that and I didn't notice try to clear it up to make that point obvious.
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 29, 2014
Undergraduate / LIFE ISNT WORTH LIVING IF YOU ONLY LIVE FOR YOURSELF! BARRY UNIVERSITY PROMPT! [3]
Directions:
Think about a service activity that you engaged in during high school as you address the following questions in your essay.
How important was it to the people you served?
Would you participate in this activity again?
If so, why? If not, why not?
Essay:
During the summer of my junior year in high school I had the pleasure of volunteering at La Rabida Children's Hospital, La Rabida is a hospital that provides care to children with lifelong medical conditions. During my time at La Rabida I would help children read, write, and forget for a couple of hours that they are ill. Volunteering at La Rabida was important to the people I served because for the 24 hours in a day four of those hours we played and laughed. There was never any discussion of "Why are you here?" or "What medical condition do you have?" because for those four hours they got to be a kid. I believe anyone who comes to sit and play with them indirectly helps them with their struggle which I feel is important to them. Being at La Rabida reassured me of what I want to do in life: help other people through medicine. Which is why I am continuing to volunteer during the school year and next summer. I believe life isn't worth living if you only live in service of yourself.
I need help with:
Does it make sense?
Does it answer all the questions?
Did I use good diction?
Is it too short or too long? (there was no word limit)
Directions:
Think about a service activity that you engaged in during high school as you address the following questions in your essay.
How important was it to the people you served?
Would you participate in this activity again?
If so, why? If not, why not?
Essay:
During the summer of my junior year in high school I had the pleasure of volunteering at La Rabida Children's Hospital, La Rabida is a hospital that provides care to children with lifelong medical conditions. During my time at La Rabida I would help children read, write, and forget for a couple of hours that they are ill. Volunteering at La Rabida was important to the people I served because for the 24 hours in a day four of those hours we played and laughed. There was never any discussion of "Why are you here?" or "What medical condition do you have?" because for those four hours they got to be a kid. I believe anyone who comes to sit and play with them indirectly helps them with their struggle which I feel is important to them. Being at La Rabida reassured me of what I want to do in life: help other people through medicine. Which is why I am continuing to volunteer during the school year and next summer. I believe life isn't worth living if you only live in service of yourself.
I need help with:
Does it make sense?
Does it answer all the questions?
Did I use good diction?
Is it too short or too long? (there was no word limit)
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : rural to major city : challenges and strategies? [7]
I suggest you completely start over. Its not a bad essay, but the word choice you used sounds like you're in High School.
Never say "To conclude" it just sounds like you don't know what to say.
Starting your essay with questions is okay but at the same time a little risky.
I suggest you completely start over. Its not a bad essay, but the word choice you used sounds like you're in High School.
Never say "To conclude" it just sounds like you don't know what to say.
Starting your essay with questions is okay but at the same time a little risky.
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 29, 2014
Graduate / 'inadvertent road' - Graduate admission essay for Master in Speech Language Pathology. [7]
Hello!
Overall, I think this is a good piece but because Graduate school is a lot more competitive I would suggest revising the following things:
1- The word choice... "One sentence that really caught my attention said,..." Try to rephrase this, as it sounds cliche'
2- Use more descriptive language, like I can't feel the passion in your personal statement which most schools would see as a problem. So definitely try to make a more heartfelt paper, I know its only 300 words but I still don't your excitement in the essay.
Hello!
Overall, I think this is a good piece but because Graduate school is a lot more competitive I would suggest revising the following things:
1- The word choice... "One sentence that really caught my attention said,..." Try to rephrase this, as it sounds cliche'
2- Use more descriptive language, like I can't feel the passion in your personal statement which most schools would see as a problem. So definitely try to make a more heartfelt paper, I know its only 300 words but I still don't your excitement in the essay.
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Closing My Eyes" - driving on the expressway at night - PLACE YOU FEEL CONTENT... [4]
So do you think I should completely start over?
I was thinking my topic was alittle confusing hence the reason I needed opinions on it lol, but thank you I will definetly be making changes!
So do you think I should completely start over?
I was thinking my topic was alittle confusing hence the reason I needed opinions on it lol, but thank you I will definetly be making changes!
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Closing My Eyes" - driving on the expressway at night - PLACE YOU FEEL CONTENT... [4]
Directions:
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
Essay:
It's 10:59 PM with one hand out the window holding hands with the wind it feels like I'm racing through time but when I check the clock it's only been one minute. The slowness of time and the speed of light somehow makes me feel serene.
If I closed my eyes I would hear the whistling sound of various cars flying down the road, I would feel the rapid cold wind giving my arms and chest goosebumps, and my hair flying in every direction. If I open them I would see nothing but an open road in front of me, occasional bright red brake lights reminding me that I am not alone on this empty road.
Ever since August 2, 2013-the day I received my license I have felt a sense of comfort while driving on the expressway at night. Perhaps it's the one time during my day I'm left with just me and my thoughts. If my desires were safe I would close my eyes and let the world guide me, instead I blink slowly breathing in every ounce of artificial energy. Ironically the noisy, stressful expressway at night becomes my sanctuary allowing me to slow down time. When I turn right on 83rd and State street, merge left onto the expressway at that moment I start to feel and hear everything. Suddenly, I can hear every breathe I take, I can feel my heart beating, pulse racing and every drop of blood as it travels through my body. Music becomes anesthetics; numbing any emotion besides content. It becomes the fuel that drives me both metaphorically and literally. When I'm driving at night music isn't heard, it's felt. Suddenly the lyrics from Lana Del Rey's "Ride" give me shivers because I can feel her singing. There is a sort of euphoria in the feeling of having no fear or doubts. Nothing can compare to the unflustered feeling of driving sixty or seventy miles listening to the most serene sounds of my favorite artists... To me, it feels like flying.
Help:
Does it answer the prompt?
Is it too long?
It is descriptive?
Is it overall a good piece?
Directions:
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
Essay:
It's 10:59 PM with one hand out the window holding hands with the wind it feels like I'm racing through time but when I check the clock it's only been one minute. The slowness of time and the speed of light somehow makes me feel serene.
If I closed my eyes I would hear the whistling sound of various cars flying down the road, I would feel the rapid cold wind giving my arms and chest goosebumps, and my hair flying in every direction. If I open them I would see nothing but an open road in front of me, occasional bright red brake lights reminding me that I am not alone on this empty road.
Ever since August 2, 2013-the day I received my license I have felt a sense of comfort while driving on the expressway at night. Perhaps it's the one time during my day I'm left with just me and my thoughts. If my desires were safe I would close my eyes and let the world guide me, instead I blink slowly breathing in every ounce of artificial energy. Ironically the noisy, stressful expressway at night becomes my sanctuary allowing me to slow down time. When I turn right on 83rd and State street, merge left onto the expressway at that moment I start to feel and hear everything. Suddenly, I can hear every breathe I take, I can feel my heart beating, pulse racing and every drop of blood as it travels through my body. Music becomes anesthetics; numbing any emotion besides content. It becomes the fuel that drives me both metaphorically and literally. When I'm driving at night music isn't heard, it's felt. Suddenly the lyrics from Lana Del Rey's "Ride" give me shivers because I can feel her singing. There is a sort of euphoria in the feeling of having no fear or doubts. Nothing can compare to the unflustered feeling of driving sixty or seventy miles listening to the most serene sounds of my favorite artists... To me, it feels like flying.
Help:
Does it answer the prompt?
Is it too long?
It is descriptive?
Is it overall a good piece?
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Contemporary life prevent people from developing into strong and independent individual - Gre Issue [6]
I agree with the other commenters, the essay is great in itself but try to go into specifics on your topic to give your reader a better example, because I feel it's too general.
I agree with the other commenters, the essay is great in itself but try to go into specifics on your topic to give your reader a better example, because I feel it's too general.
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Here, in the movie theater is where I feel the most satisfaction, the most joy, the most comfort [8]
This is really good, it gave me a great visual!
Try to enphasize on more detail of the theater, like describe the comfort of the seats, how comfortable you feel sitting next to strangers because you know you have something in common: the movie.
This is really good, it gave me a great visual!
Try to enphasize on more detail of the theater, like describe the comfort of the seats, how comfortable you feel sitting next to strangers because you know you have something in common: the movie.
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 19, 2014
Undergraduate / 'I KIND OF JUST WANT TO GO AS FAR AS POSSIBLE!' - MY REASON FOR ATTENDING [2]
Prompt:
Please briefly state your reason for wishing to attend LMU and/or how you came to select your major.
Essay:
I consider myself lucky when it comes to the question: "What do you want to do with your life?" You see, for as long as I can remember I have been captivated by the human body, animals, and plant life. I remember when I was four, my mother was pregnant with my younger brother Ian, I would sit and analyze her stomach and I even began coming up with what I now know as theories.
...
Please help me with:
Grammar, Punctuation?
Is it too long? (they didn't give a word limit)
Does it answer the prompt fully?
Any other additional work I need?
Prompt:
Please briefly state your reason for wishing to attend LMU and/or how you came to select your major.
Essay:
I consider myself lucky when it comes to the question: "What do you want to do with your life?" You see, for as long as I can remember I have been captivated by the human body, animals, and plant life. I remember when I was four, my mother was pregnant with my younger brother Ian, I would sit and analyze her stomach and I even began coming up with what I now know as theories.
...
Please help me with:
Grammar, Punctuation?
Is it too long? (they didn't give a word limit)
Does it answer the prompt fully?
Any other additional work I need?
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 19, 2014
Undergraduate / "fly, crash, repeat" - Common App Essay - The RC Field [2]
This is definitely amazing, and i picked up on your major right away which is great.
Comments:
Try to create more of a visual, sort of paint a picture for your reader. This is your chance to show your creative writing skills, your topic is definitive creative, try using more descriptive words!
This is definitely amazing, and i picked up on your major right away which is great.
Comments:
Try to create more of a visual, sort of paint a picture for your reader. This is your chance to show your creative writing skills, your topic is definitive creative, try using more descriptive words!
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 18, 2014
Undergraduate / Hey Roomie! First things first- peanut butter: Stanford essay [2]
Hi!
First, Thanks again for helping me with my essay...
Comments:
I think this is absolutely hilarious, you really did follow directions by telling more about yourself!
"So as we begin a new friendship and chapter of our lives, I'd really just like to end by saying that I don't really know how I feel about those guys who suck up to important people through really eloquent words and usage of existential quotes that sum up the paragon of wisdom that is their physics professor."
That statement really confused me, and I kind of feel lost and don't know how to feel because I can't really pick up what you mean by it.
The beginning of your essay about food really delivers your personality and how cultural you are and that you are comfortable experiencing other people's culture.
"You see, ever since I became obsessed with Harry Potter and won his autograph from a reading contest, I've been intrigued with celebrities. So, sometimes I like to pick a Hollywood star at random and watch his interviews. Yes, laugh at me, but then tell me, who doesn't get a kick out of watching Jimmy Fallon arm wrestling Jack Nicholson? "
Also before starting the above paragraph try to use a smoother transition it starts kind of rough considering you were just talking about food.
Overall this is a really good piece. I hope we both get accepted into Stanford and can hangout(:
Thanks again for help on my paper!
Hi!
First, Thanks again for helping me with my essay...
Comments:
I think this is absolutely hilarious, you really did follow directions by telling more about yourself!
"So as we begin a new friendship and chapter of our lives, I'd really just like to end by saying that I don't really know how I feel about those guys who suck up to important people through really eloquent words and usage of existential quotes that sum up the paragon of wisdom that is their physics professor."
That statement really confused me, and I kind of feel lost and don't know how to feel because I can't really pick up what you mean by it.
The beginning of your essay about food really delivers your personality and how cultural you are and that you are comfortable experiencing other people's culture.
"You see, ever since I became obsessed with Harry Potter and won his autograph from a reading contest, I've been intrigued with celebrities. So, sometimes I like to pick a Hollywood star at random and watch his interviews. Yes, laugh at me, but then tell me, who doesn't get a kick out of watching Jimmy Fallon arm wrestling Jack Nicholson? "
Also before starting the above paragraph try to use a smoother transition it starts kind of rough considering you were just talking about food.
Overall this is a really good piece. I hope we both get accepted into Stanford and can hangout(:
Thanks again for help on my paper!
Iyeshaferguson
Aug 17, 2014
Undergraduate / How does USD stand out amongst all of the other colleges to which you are applying? [3]
PROMPT:
How does USD stand out amongst all of the other colleges to which you are applying?
RESPONSE:
University of San Diego stands out the most amongst all the other colleges i'm applying to because at USD I know I will be challenged academically so when graduating from USD I will not just have a degree in Biology, but I will have attained the knowledge to further my education in medical school. University of San Diego also stands out because of it's close-knit community and active student life on and off campus.
please someone help me fix this!
PROMPT:
How does USD stand out amongst all of the other colleges to which you are applying?
RESPONSE:
University of San Diego stands out the most amongst all the other colleges i'm applying to because at USD I know I will be challenged academically so when graduating from USD I will not just have a degree in Biology, but I will have attained the knowledge to further my education in medical school. University of San Diego also stands out because of it's close-knit community and active student life on and off campus.
please someone help me fix this!
