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IELTS : rural to major city : challenges and strategies?


Pyon9x 11 / 24 9  
Aug 28, 2014   #1
People today move to new cities or new countries more than ever before. What challenges do they experience? what strategies are there to meet these challenges?

Have you ever been distant away from your hometown? Moving to new places and involving in new environment may bring about either enjoyable or dreadful experiences. This essay will emphasise on the obstacles people may get on the move, and ways to mitigate these issues.

Firstly, people could face the problem of language barrier when moving to new places [can you show me way to improve this topic sentence? thank you]. Residents in different countries or regions communicate by different languages with a wide range of accents, which are sometimes difficult to make out even to the native people. When new commers get trouble in communicating and understanding the others, it is definitely a lot more arduous for them to build relationships, find a job as well as adapt to the new environment.

To address this linguistic issue, a course of the future destination's [??=.=] language or a pocket dictionary might be helpful. If people on the move do not have time to learn anything beforehand, they should try to communicate as much as possible with the native speakers and simultaneously learn from them. This way has been proven to be the quickest way to master a new language. My sister, for example, when returned from a trip to England in one month, her English prononciation was hugely improved thanks to the constant interaction with the native people.

Secondly, culture shock can be another obstacle which people may face when they come to a new community. Each region or nation has its own etiquette that need to be followed. For example, while communicating with a Japanese, it is required that the participants wait for the others to finish their sentence before raising any idea. In American style ; however, it is alright if questions are asked between the sentence, and counter arguments are highly encouraged. If people do not follow the local customs in any way, it might lead to misunderstanding, annoyance or even relationship damaging.

To solve this problem, before arriving to a new place, people should learn about the local culture. Besides, they could also pay attention to the way the local residents interacting and learn through immitation.

To conclude, culture shock and language differences are one of the significant difficulty that a new commer may confront when arriving to a new country or region; however, there are always ways to tackle these hardship.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 28, 2014   #2
Pyon9x, I would suggest that you revise this essay in its totality. It has a lot of grammatical problems that need to be addressed and the discussion itself is weak and does not offer much in terms of strategies for immersing oneself in a new country / environment. To begin with:

Have you ever been distant away from your hometown? Moving to new places and involving in new environment may bring about either enjoyable or dreadful experiences. This essay will emphasise on the obstacles people may get on the move, and ways to mitigate these issues.

- The opening statement is way too short. You should not address the reader directly by posing a question because the prompt does not call for that. Also, you need to clarify if you will be discussing migration to a new country or a new city and then stick to that discussion. I would suggest moving to another country because that calls for more adjustment and strategies in order to adjust to a new life.

Firstly, people could face the problem of language barrier when moving to new places [can you show me way to improve this topic sentence? thank you]

- Say "Moving to a new country almost always produces a language barrier because each country speaks a different language. Even the English language has the British and English version and sometimes those 2 languages are in conflict as well." Then talk about the difficulties of being a second language learner and how that prohibits the smooth adjustment of the immigrant in the new country.

Your second argument is quite sound. I would suggest developing it more by explaining how immigrants have a hard time overcoming their old traditions in favor of new ones and then discuss how that hinders his assimilation into the new culture and way of life that he has to get used to.

Your conclusion should include suggestions on how to best overcome the language barrier (such as enrolling in language classes) and culture shock (by slowly adjusting his thought process to the new culture) in order to solidify your argument and present strategies regarding how to deal with the hindrances the immigrants face.

I hope you can use some of my suggestions. Good luck with revising the paper. I look forward to reading the 2nd version :-)
parsonsss 2 / 7  
Aug 28, 2014   #3
tHE OPENENING SENTENCE IS WAY TOO small. I think you should add some more ! but all in all its a great essay !
OP Pyon9x 11 / 24 9  
Aug 29, 2014   #4
I hope you can use some of my suggestions. Good luck with revising the paper. I look forward to reading the 2nd version :-)

I've read your feedback for many times vangiespen, i bet you didnt know how helpful it is to me :) i'll try to write another piece right away, thank a lot

@parsonsss: thank u for commenting :)
yazoo 4 / 7 2  
Aug 29, 2014   #5
it might lead to misunderstanding, annoyance or even relationship damaging

take out the relationship damaging ...i would probably change it with ..."or even damaged relationships"
Iyeshaferguson 5 / 11  
Aug 29, 2014   #6
I suggest you completely start over. Its not a bad essay, but the word choice you used sounds like you're in High School.
Never say "To conclude" it just sounds like you don't know what to say.
Starting your essay with questions is okay but at the same time a little risky.
Anouar 12 / 35  
Aug 30, 2014   #7
As for language argument I think that it is not strong enough you must analyze it more deeply


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