Graduate / MOTIVATION TOWARDS BECOMING PA - It all started with a crash... [2]

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^This paragraph is a few points written in too many sentences. I got the point from the beginning. No need to endorse it with drama (I understand that it may have been genuinely difficult, but the impression was created from the start. Just discussing it repeatedly could distract/tire the reader from the focal point of your essay)

Writing Feedback / 'technology and media' - CAS Essay of a non-English Speaker [3]

I understand that you may be a non-English speaker, but the expressions that you are using seem way too forced that they either dont seem genuine or dont make perfect sense (Grammatically and/or meaning-wise).

Also, as the introductory paragraph wasnt that great, a skim read through your essay and I found too many cliches that I had to stop and comment.

Writing Feedback / 'The next best thing after perfection' - College? Yes. (SAT) [2]


^Yawn. How many other applicants do you think will be claiming/saying the same thing.
Not the best start already.

Undergraduate / 'I was shy.' - University of MIchigan supplement [6]

^Overly dramatic and somewhat repetitive.

Also, how does your essay address the prompt exactly?


^Huh?

I dont get it.


^What is your place within the community? You talk about being shy and then overcoming fear.

Undergraduate / 'A long and painful journey' - Personal Statement- Med School Add. Esaay. [3]


^forcefully? Are you sure?


^unusually


^Claim with no examples...

Its quite an emotional essay. Decent read, although you do make some obvious mistakes here and there which you can probably find on your own if you revise your essay.

Not sure what the word limit is but if youve reached it, it seems like a decent essay. If you have more space, you could perhaps further discuss your motivation for Medicine (with proof), and what skillset could you bring to the course and how you could benefit from the education facility etc.

Undergraduate / "Changing Attitudes"- UT admission [2]


^Remove.



^Revise
Its not a terrible essay by any means, but you do make several phrasing and grammar errors that are in need of revision.
Content-wise, it seems alright, but to reiterate, you do make careless mistakes here and there

Undergraduate / 'short four-hour bus ride, Maryland' - FIT Undergrad [2]

Skim read, seems like a good essay.

Undergraduate / 'I was shy.' - University of MIchigan supplement [6]

Do you belong to a community of 'shy people' or is your ethnic community 'shy'. If its the latter, I strongly suggest re-writing from scratch.

Try and help others with their essays in the meantime

Graduate / Personal Statement for Graduate Application for Speech Pathology [3]

For a general personal statement, rather than an essay prompt, I thought this came off as overly informal from the first sentence. You may want to reconsider your approach/make sure that you have used the appropriate tone for starters.

Scholarship / 'From Indonesia to USA' - How to organize good Essay for Global UGRAD 2013 [3]

Your sentences sometimes are too short and your essay therefore does not read smoothly.
Further, this is a personal statement and I think your approach may be wrong.
Secondly, I dont understand the point of many of your claims such as


You also make a LOT of grammar mistakes, and I dont know if that is because you did not revise your essay or because English is not your first language. If the latter is the case, then it would take me far too much time to list each mistake, and nor do I have any incentive to do.

Revise or rewrite.

Undergraduate / 'my choice in economics as my major' - UT Purpose Statement [3]


^You use the pronoun 'youre'. Are you referring to me? Also, whats the deal with the two clauses being seperated by a coma?

Also, it reads far too informally, as if you were posting in a blog that no no one would bother reading.
I also dont get how you suddenly stil 'aspired to attend the University of Texas' when you didnt want to be thousands of mile from your family.

Undergraduate / Family history inspiration (UCF Essay) ! [5]


^Could giveo ff the wrong impression.


^What makes you so sure that I dont know these countries existed?

Fairly informal, and lots of grammar mistakes. Revise your essay and it should improve.

Undergraduate / Common App Work Experience - working at a car repair shop [4]

Too many redundant words. I suggest you look for ways to cut down some words, because redundancy is boring to read.

Undergraduate / What outrages you? what are you doing about it? college short answer [3]

Write about whatever it is you can write about, as long as the essay isnt boring, lame, cliched etc

Undergraduate / "Imagined Enemy essay" - University of Chicago Supplement [2]

Seems like a potentially good essay to be honest, and in my opinion, I think UChicago may like your approach to the essay prompt.
Could you make it clearer what the enemy is in this case though?
I am a bit lost with the promises concept, because I didnt quite get the impression that there was one to begin with? Perhaps if I read it again, I would find it, but I didnt get it on the first skim-read impression.

Post your revised essay, try and help some others on the site as well, but like I said, this does seem to be a rather interesting approach.

Undergraduate / Swimming changed my parents - UC Prompt #1; growing up in conservative Chinese household [4]

I think this is far better than most of the essays I have read on this website.

Undergraduate / Opportunities/Mulan/Personal/Majored in unafraid/ Boaring Community; Barnard [5]


^Couldnt you give a more specific example of artwork which showed that you were unafraid of what people thought?

Undergraduate / "thinking process" ; University of Virginia Supp; Favorite word and why? [2]

I thought this was rather uninteresting. It was rather predictable from the start in my opinion. Perhaps a more creative approach could be used?

Writing Feedback / We knew that we wanted to be together [3]

So, what were your opportunities to reach your goals of becoming a lawyer?

Graduate / SOP MS in Distributive Computing - Spring 2015 [2]

A statement of purpose, yet it reads like a narrative essay from the opening sentence. I also think quoting a professor like that is rather unoriginal and a bit boring.

In regards to the second paragraph, the second sentence is so full of cliched expressions that it has hardly compelled me to want to read any further.

I think a revision is necessary. Address your interests in Computing from the beginning, and perhaps explain where this interest comes from and give concrete examples as well.

Undergraduate / Personal statement for Endeavour Awards - Electrical Engineering in Bhutan [2]

The whole 'benefit to my country' is completely overplayed. Remove it
I think discussing your work experience, rather than your rankings (which I am assuming would be listed elsewhere in your application), would be more relevant and useful for your Personal Statement

Scholarship / research objective - portland cement [2]

There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes which ought to be revised first. Furthermore, whilst a brief introduction of earthquakes in Indonesia may seem relevant, the remaining obvious facts are unnecessary as the reader would already know them. It would be better to use your word count more efficiently.

All the best

Undergraduate / What Nursing is for me? It's more than just a superficial "why" [2]

I only read your first answer. I think you can safely remove the first few sentences and start directly with the story of your mother. This way, the answer gets straight to the point, rather than making one read through a series of rhetorical questions in addition to some irrelevant reflections on life.

All the best.