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Posts by Kasamira
Name: Kaitlyn Kregel
Joined: Nov 1, 2014
Last Post: Dec 24, 2014
Threads: 5
Posts: 12  
From: United States of America
School: Pinconning High School

Displayed posts: 17
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Kasamira   
Dec 23, 2014
Undergraduate / The secret: on the 8th floor of the Michigan University is a place only children are privy to. [4]

Prompt: Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests?

Word Limit: 500
Current Word Count: 435

Hello! This is my first draft essay. I would love to expand it from how I have it now- I think it sounds far too awkward. Any suggestions on how to tie everything together and make better transitions would be amazing! I'd love some advice on how to make it MUCH BETTER! Thank you!!!

The University of Michigan Health System has a secret. Up in the clouds on the 8th floor there's a place only children are privy to. An elevator ride lit with giddy anticipation always predates an initiation into the inner sanctum.

Skyscraper slides, towering monkeybars, and swings that could launch children into orbit follow. Massive curved slides I would gaze longingly at made my decision for me: I was going to work here someday

Just a few years later I was touring U of M. It was June and the campus was alive with green and only few hours away from home. The law library was like stepping into Hermione Granger's dream. Beautiful crisp silence, and the intoxicating smell of paper. I could almost see myself seated under one of gleaming gothic windows.

Stretching up on my tip toes I gazed at the gentle etchings on the library's tall gothic windows- every law school in the country during the 1930's our guide had said. My eyes caught and lit against famous schools I'd heard of- Chicago, Yale, and Princeton.

U of M felt unique, it was small when compared with other schools, but in a big city. It had a huge student population, but had specialized majors I could delve into to understand the bigger picture. It's a school that presents hundreds of opportunities for educational and personal growth through a higher breadth of topics than small liberal arts colleges could muster.

Their College of Literature, Science and the Arts had a History Department that would let me choose between a smorgasbord of different topics. And allow me to tailor my major around subjects I was interested, by basing my education around a theme, and enabling me to explore a time period.

That curriculum reminded me of my own History professor who taught by having us take a significant event, put in a historical context, then demonstrate our understanding. It was an invaluable learning experience that helped me gain greater confidence, and improve my public speaking abilities, along with a better timeline of European history. I can only imagine how my education would be affected if I were to base each of my four years at U of M using this model.

Looking back I can still remember that girl all those years ago who looked around the Michigan hospital playground who already knew what she wanted. The girl who jumped headlong into things without fear for the consequences, the girl who looked around and thought, "I want to work here."
Kasamira   
Nov 28, 2014
Undergraduate / When I was young I dreamed of running feet. My story [3]

Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I don't like my conclusion at all- I would appreciate some help please!!! :) :) Thank you!

When I was young I dreamed of running feet.

Two pairs of them, the figures of my cousin and I leaping and bounding over the hills in our backyard. A fuzzy blur of trees in full bloom appears as we speed by, a mini roller coaster drop occurs in our stomachs when we stumble down a hill, the wind blows tangles of hair into my face, and there's the soft crunch of grass beneath my feet.

When you tell a story it's like giving away a piece of yourself. I need to say the words to tell what others are too afraid to ask, even after time wants to keep them quiet after it has scabbed the wounds over, the scars that remain have sculpted who I am today.

Disabled. The word sounds so discouraging. It's a word applied to other people, people who got into accidents, people who have lost something. To claim to be that was the pure antithesis of everything I wanted to do.

When I woke in that hospital I was still running. Only this time in the hospital room there was a table that stood over the bed. I can still recall the excruciating pain when I slammed my freshly operated leg into the underside. My mother, sleeping on the couch next to me was startled out of sleep to my screams, trying to explain deliriously that I'd had a dream.

I lost my leg just days after finishing first grade in the beginning of June. It was 8 days after my 7th birthday. It was the single event that changed my life.

It's something that I still find difficult to talk about, but I can tell you. I can tell you about the identical scars that run up my legs, left behind by doctors searching for viable veins to replace my crushed popliteal artery, I could tell you about blood clots, about aspirin and so many shots the holes wouldn't stop bleeding, the visceral stinging that comes with hundreds of IV's, and the tape doctors put over skin grafts. I could talk about shattered knees, and broken bones, about thick swathes of bandages I was wrapped in, hallucinations brought on by vile tasting medicine, and how doctors looked at you behind their masks.

It's so much easier to speak of the good things.

I replace those painful things with stories of motherly nurses, dozens of stuffed animals, hundreds of letters sent by children I'd never even met before, going outside for the first time in months, my dad- completely exhausted- sleeping in the tiny couch next to my bed for weeks on end, seeing my siblings for the first time in weeks, and walking for my first second time.

Both are true, but there's only one I would consider saying to absolute strangers.

It's harder, though, to talk about the pride I feel when doing simple tasks like running or jumping without pain. Two years of physical therapy and endless frustration culminating in others not even noticing my disability without visual confirmation.

These events have shaped my life, and I know without them I would never have been the same person that I am today. Through my disability I found a passion for reading, languages, and history. The hardships that I've encountered have made me a better person and increased my resolve to finish the things I start.

We've all experienced some sort of tragedy in our lives, but at a certain point you stop conceptualizing it as a tragedy. After the pain has gone numb and the wound has scarred over we become content with our struggles and regard them as something that makes us different. Something that makes us more worldly, and better in touch with our empathy so that we can sympathize with others going through much worse. Our struggles are what defines us, draws us together, and makes us human.
Kasamira   
Nov 28, 2014
Undergraduate / Share an event or incident you have encountered personally - NUS/NTU application essay [2]

I think it sounds good,

When you go to this part: I had already established myself as a sportsperson and keyboardist.

Maybe add something before and change sportsperson and keyboardist to something like, "Although I had already established myself as a capable athlete and pianist becoming vice captain I had even considered."

What was most surprising was that I had joined the school only two years ago and I didn't know many people.

I hardened myself. That sounds a bit strange- maybe change it a bit or just leave it out.

That year, I grew the most than I ever had in life - and not physically but emotionally.

Get rid of this sentence- it doesn't make sense.
Replace it with something like: It was difficult to discover these things, but I realized that to succeed I needed to grow emotionally to become happy with myself.

You ended strongly- and as a whole I quite liked it.

Good Luck :) :) !!!!
Kasamira   
Nov 28, 2014
Undergraduate / Rewards of my continued efforts [5]

As I walked up the stage, my legs felt cramped, as if my legsthey had a case of acute arthritis,.

I'm not sure what you mean by, "all because of a challenging tools display," maybe expand on this portion or make it clearer?

but in order to satisfy my guts ,

Use something other than satisfy and guts, that sounds really confusing. Maybe do, "but in order to calm my stomach," or use, "but in order to calm down,"

that I was scheduled to present the technical drawing tools to students on the assembly ground.

This part is really confusing- get rid of "that" do you mean that to calm down you were presenting something? Or that you were nervous because you needed to present something?

The sentence structure is good, but I'd make it clearer on why you were nervous.

I ignored all the eyes on me and the fear in my mind,

Maybe say something about how your mind of clouded with fear rather than the fear in my mind- it sounds awkward.

"When I began delivering the speech my voice trembled and cracked, and my hands shook," you were using too many prepositions and the wrong verb tense.

I paused,

get rid of the comma- you don't need it

to display the tools but having an eyes contact with students ,

this part doesn't make any sense. Try something like, "but when my eyes connected with the students I faltered abruptly and stood like a statue for some time, before my teacher asked if I was okay."

I changed status to statue and contacted along with were to was, and got rid of a question mark and comma.

I shook my head nervously with a look of fear in my eyes. At that moment, she decided to help me with the display.

Get rid of "a look of fear in my eyes," and replace it with something else about what happened, something like, "but I couldn't stop my hands from shaking,"

Good Luck! :) :) :) I hope you get in!
Kasamira   
Nov 28, 2014
Undergraduate / Internet was my weapon, laden with spikes and snares - Ann Arbor Supplemental Essay! (Michigan) [3]

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. Limit is 300 words:

Ok, I've begun writing this and rewriting the beginning- and I don't know if I should use it, use a different version, or scrap it and start from the beginning??? I could use some advice- this is the very first part.

"Lets open our Bibles to Romans 1,"

As soon as those words were spoken my sister and I exchanged glances, each of us stifling a collective groan, both already knowing how the bible study would end- a private chat with the pastor, and a few phone calls between parents.

When those opening words were quickly followed up by, "to begin our next unit on Homosexuality in the New Testament," my fingers went on autopilot, pens clicked all around the room, I opened three new browsers on my laptop, set my phasers from stun to kill, while bringing up a few .edu articles, and plastering a placid smile on my face. The Internet was my weapon, laden with spikes and snares that took on the form of logic and science in the real world, and my calm disposition was my armor.

Do you like it? Is it to cliche? I could use other scenarios- there's one in Ephesians about women being submissive that we've had plenty of lessons on?
Kasamira   
Nov 26, 2014
Undergraduate / "I used to hate piano" - University of Michigan-Ann Arbor Supplemental Essay! [3]

If you could only do one of the activities you have listed in the Activities section of your Common Application, which one would you keep doing? Why? (Required for all applicants. Must be under 150 words)

I used to hate piano, I detested practicing, I'd "accidentally" lose my scale worksheet and whine about lessons. Then, my teacher introduced Waltz of the Flowers and I fell in love. Music was like learning a new language and I'd just experienced a culture shock. I played my keyboard for hours, practiced easy versions of Tchaikovsky until my fingers hurt, all to get my hands on the original composition. Debussy was my art, Chopin was my math, and Tchaikovsky was my literature. Each was like a cacophony of sounds, that needed hours to pick apart, and separate. Piano helped me cast off my stage fright and be bold. After changing schools it helped me make friends when I was terrified of not fitting in. It's opened doors where I could compete with others doing something I love, and has been an amazing source of motivation in my life for nearly 12 years.
Kasamira   
Nov 11, 2014
Scholarship / Am I cool enough? Chevening personal statement (motivation) [3]

Q.3

Add The to the beginning of the sentence. "Children and I,"
Children and I made them together.

These rules are equal both for the me as a teacher and for the children.

Explain what rules you are talking about- what do you mean they are equal?

Another example of my leadership is the Social Tutoring project. I not only conducted the project but also was one of the tutors myself and anyone who enrolled into my project could contact me and ask for advice.

Change, "Everywhere I am I try to create informal and friendly atmosphere to help people be more open."

I am trying to create an informal and friendly atmosphere everywhere I go to help people be more open.

I learned to be a leader mostly when working with groups of children. I developed my leadership skills and created my own style when running In Lime club and Social Tutoring project.

I really liked this one (Q.3) You show what you plan to do and how to do it :D good job
Kasamira   
Nov 11, 2014
Scholarship / Am I cool enough? Chevening personal statement (motivation) [3]

Q.2

When you say: I have conducted a research about Montessori's materials for primary school children. don't say " a research," change that to "a research experiment" or "have researched,"

Concerning Economics, a business plan I made in the end of the course was recognised as one of the best in the class. Change "concerning," to something like "As for economics," Also change, "in the end," to "at the end."

"When I started working with the children and running my In Lime club I felt like inventing the wheel again." I'm not sure what exactly you mean by this- do you mean you felt like you needed to do something again? But I'd change it to make it more understandable.

Get rid of so- you don't need a dependent clause here: So I began attending seminars,

enrolling to MOOCs change "to" and make it in

To is like a direction, in kind of means inside.

Course) in teaching, entrepreneurship eliminate in, so just the verb is left.

This is helpful though not enough. I am learning best when there is a teacher-student interaction and guidance of professionals. Anyways, it has made me a self-dependent learner. I'd recommend rewriting this part- most of it is grammatically correct but it sounds strange to an English speaker- kind of overly formal. I'd suggest expanding your sentence to something like, " Enrolling in MOOCs has been a wonderful experience but I've found that I learn more effectively where there's a close teacher-student relationship so that I am able to interact with professors on a one-on-one level."

I want to make changes in the educational system of Ukraine and I plan to do this through runningmy own school based on the best world practices of educating. I know education is not in the list of recommended study fields for Ukraine. But I chose it because I see the urgent need in the new education to satisfy needs of the society emerging now. Besides, the root of all the problems is in the insufficient education. Although I can see this is changing now and I want to join the process.

This is an awesome part in the essay- a sort of literary climax. If you can try and expand a little on why Ukraine needs changes in its education system and how the root of all the problems is insufficient education. You could draw comparisons to famous historical figures who changed things in Eastern Europe- Peter the Great for example (I know he's Russian, sorry I don't know any Ukrainian ones :(

change, "My own school based on the best world practices of educating," to "an education system in schools based on the best education system in the world,"

I feel the lack of theoretical knowledge in these areas. change feel to felt

Besides, the skills and knowledge gained in these courses can be applied both in the private and in public sectors.- change that to something like, "I'm certain that the..."

Ok now for this section- did you get a degree at the college? If you did I'd include that.
Kasamira   
Nov 10, 2014
Undergraduate / KOD: Knowledge on Display - Kalamazoo Supplemental Essay [7]

Definitely :D

The K-Plan at Kalamazoo is a wonderful example of how to continue expanding my education and compelling it's students to delve into hands on experiences on research topics we've never considered before. It's a brilliant opportunity to put theoretical knowledge into action with our peers and gain information from our professors we wouldn't have encountered otherwise. I particularly enjoy it's focus on languages, and its goal to have students be proficient in a second language.

...

We were given the task to choose a single topic from our Ancient History class that our professor would cover during the year to it in front of the class

...

Yes, they're wonderful!
Kasamira   
Nov 10, 2014
Undergraduate / KOD: Knowledge on Display - Kalamazoo Supplemental Essay [7]

vangiespen Thank you! I changed it to:

The K-Plan at Kalamazoo is a wonderful example of how to continue expanding on my education and compelling it's students to delve into hands on experiences to research topics we've never considered before. It's a brilliant opportunity to put theoretical knowledge into action with our peers and gain information from our professors we wouldn't have encountered otherwise. I particularly enjoy it's focus on languages, and its goal to have students be proficient in a second language.

The closest comparison I can draw to the K-Plan is of my second semester freshmen year. My freshmen year we had a project called KOD: Knowledge on Display.

We were given the task to choose a single topic from our Ancient History class that our professor would cover during the year and presenting it in front of the class. We were given four months to complete a single assignment that would count as 50% of our term grade, and 50% of our exam grade. I thoroughly enjoyed this part of freshmen year, and it would be fascinating to continue my studies at Kalamazoo in the same way. The similarities between the K-Plan and KOD drew my attention to Kalamazoo because of the hands on research and close student professor relationship associated with the K-Plan and also with a small liberal arts college.

Our teacher gave us a sink or swim situation, but didn't leave us treading water, we got hands on experience in researching, primary sources, and languages. My topic "The Black Plague (c. 1300's)" forced me to expand beyond Latin class and to delve into the naming of bacterium's like yersinia pestis. We were exposed to changing cultures during a tumultuous time, and their effects on interactions between European countries.

This relates closely with it's goals of international experience- pushing students to communicate efficiently with others from around the world enforces cultural understanding between countries, and would enable us to learn from each other and empathize more clearly with other nations. In my view the K-Plan is a fantastic opportunity. I have not seen at any other college, and would pose an exceptional experience in our education.

Better? And I'm not worried about the word count yet it's a max of 500 words :)
Kasamira   
Nov 10, 2014
Undergraduate / KOD: Knowledge on Display - Kalamazoo Supplemental Essay [7]

Prompt: Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas

The closest comparison I can draw to the K-Plan is of my second semester freshmen year. My freshmen year we had a project called KOD: Knowledge on Display.

We were tasked with choosing a single topic from our Ancient History class that our professor would cover during the year and presenting it in front of the class. But it wasn't like a normal exposition essay and presentation, we were given four months to complete a single assignment that would count as 50% of our term grade, and 50% of our exam grade.

What happened next was a flurry of activity that consisted of eighty fourteen year olds panicking, 90 pages of research notes, 30 petri dishes, 2 reports, 1 voice over video, and and an A+ on the exam and on the term. Our teacher gave us a sink or swim situation, but didn't leave us treading water, we got hands on experience in researching, primary sources, and language. My topic: The Black Plague (c. 1300's) forced me to expand beyond Latin class and to delve into the naming of bacterium's like yersinia pestis.
Kasamira   
Nov 6, 2014
Undergraduate / "Benvenuti in Italia!" - A part of who I am is Capri, Italy - FSU 2015 Summer Essay [4]

Yes, your essay is very well written and descriptive. I like how you incorporated your story into the end with the silk scarf. I would add a bit more about FSU in your first two paragraphs so that it's not simply telling a story and so you are better able to tie the University in with your story. Then if you can (I don't know the word limit) I'd add a bit more at the end about FSU so that the length is more equal to your story. Expand more on FSU's International Programs and the experiences they offer, and extrapolate on the Nole Reservations blog- give specific examples so it doesn't feel generalized.

Your last sentence, "Florida State can help satisfy this wanting for further global and self awareness." sounds a bit cliche- make it a bit more personalized- don't make such a general statement. Say something about their how their global awareness would extend to your studies there and how their self awareness would affect you.

I really liked your essay, I hope you get in :)
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