zigolf
Dec 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ethical obligation forces our conscious to live to be worthy of trust. IELTS [3]
Paragraph 1
"Many say that success will come and go, but integrity is forever."
- the comma should be eliminated.
Paragraph 3
"the social status and material possessions because, we want to be benefitted by their influence."
- the comma should be eliminated.
- "want to be benefitted" sounds strange. I'm not sure how to make it better. I think it may be these below.
'the social status and material possessions because we want getting some benefits through their influence."
Your language is good but paragraphing is not well-organised.
1st paragraph should introduce the essay with integrating all main ideas in short description.
But from my reading, that paragraph is telling about only trust, not what do you agree or disagree with the opinion.
Then, 2nd and 3rd paragraph ... you will say about main idea 1, main ideal 2, ... respectively.
Lastly, your ending paragraph is ok.
Paragraph 1
"Many say that success will come and go, but integrity is forever."
- the comma should be eliminated.
Paragraph 3
"the social status and material possessions because, we want to be benefitted by their influence."
- the comma should be eliminated.
- "want to be benefitted" sounds strange. I'm not sure how to make it better. I think it may be these below.
'the social status and material possessions because we want getting some benefits through their influence."
Your language is good but paragraphing is not well-organised.
1st paragraph should introduce the essay with integrating all main ideas in short description.
But from my reading, that paragraph is telling about only trust, not what do you agree or disagree with the opinion.
Then, 2nd and 3rd paragraph ... you will say about main idea 1, main ideal 2, ... respectively.
Lastly, your ending paragraph is ok.