Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]

It means a short introduction, such as a personal experience. BTW, I just posted my edited version, could you have a look? Thank you!

Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]

Transfer from a national university as a finance student to a liberal arts as an economics student

Hello, everyone. This is my second version of my transfer essay, and it is due tonight. So please make a comparison between this version and the first version which is also pasted in this post, and give some strong advice. I really hope a contributor can give a help, and please give more specific suggestions on structure: whether it is clear, satisfy the prompt, etc.

Prompt:Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.(250-650)

Second Version:

During the summer after my first year of college, I visited a friend and I learned that he gained a master's degree in a prestigious graduate business school and was enrolled by Bank of America. I was surprised because, instead of attending a business school during his undergraduate years, he chose a liberal arts college and majored in economics. He found that I felt unbelievable, so he explained: "In the modern society, financial institutions do not merely focus on traditional business field. Instead, they prefer the people who are versatile. You do not have to give up your real interest and go to business school in order to be employed by a bank." He also told that his uncle graduated from a law school, but also work for a bank because he is familiar with business laws. Then I recalled that the most books I read in China were about economics, rather than finance. I believe this is my real interest.

Upon my return to the University of Connecticut after the summer, I began considering about majoring in economics. Having taken two economic classes and exchanged opinions with students majoring in economics, I realized that while I am interested in courses which are practical and tightly connected to contemporary events, my current university offers courses which are very theoretical. I was impressed by the broad class options and in-depth materials which can help me understand contemporary events more deeply. By attending a new college, I will join the economics learning community, volunteer to be a teaching assistant, find an internship, and eventually go to a graduate business school.

Although my reasons for transferring are primarily academic, there are several other reasons. I was born and raised in a metropolis in China, where I do not feel closely tied with other people because of its mass population. The environment of the University of Connecticut is quite similar to my hometown, as it is a massive university. In addition, among the sixteen courses I have taken during my first four semesters, six of them have been lectures. This situation gives me fewer chances to exchange opinions with professors and classmates. To be more closely tied with other people, I am now looking forward to attending college which has smaller population and higher percentage of seminars. I believe by attending such a new college, I will develop deeper relationships with professors and students and be more assimilated in American society.

Although it will be a hard process to enter a new school since I enjoy the life in my current university, I love to make new friends in different places and take the challenges of more intensive courses. As I am a member of dean's list through my first two years in my current university, I believe that I will overcome the academic challenges in my new college.

Writing Feedback / New discoveries benefits - for instance students can extend their knowledge from the internet [2]

In the past 100 years there are many useful discoveries, such as computer, mobile phone and many other inventions. But in my opinion, the most beneficial invention for people in my country is the internet which is very important for us to communicate with people around the world and to keep in touch about what happens.

In addition, the benefit of the internet that we can call and see people through it. It is better to communicate with our friends and family members through the Internet than through mobile phones, since we can hear them more clearly.

In my country we use the postal service the telephone the radio music but this was before the internet which change our life and make it easy and useful for instance students can extend their knowledge from the internet the can find informations about anything they need

The internet is the abundant of benefits and abundant of information

One of the most important things is you have to use punctuations. And I really have no idea of what you want to say in the third paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Event to reduce a tension between ASEAN students, which promoted tolerance and reconciliation [3]

I think your 2nd and 3rd essay are good. However, I think you should explain why your experience in ASEAN is so important. I know you are fascinated, but why it did not spark tension? Is it because of your effort? You, as one of the organizers, should use a few words to claim your contributions on that meeting.

Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]

Do you think I should write a mini-story/mini-introduction as beginning?

Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]

Sorry, but this is really urgent. I will have a look at your essay later. And if I can, I will delete my previous comment. But I still really think you simplify some long sentences.

Undergraduate / Brown University carries my top choice of major: Development Studies. [3]

"Although it is one of the few top schools to offer my major, it is the only school where I would feel motivated to succeed to the highest degree by pursuing my own education." simplify it, like "only Brown University can motivate me to succeed to the highest degree".

And please give me a help on my latest thread. Thank you!

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

Yoyoprotein, I think you should make your topic clear in the 1st para.

You are asked to choose ONE quality/talent/accomplishment/contribution/experience, but it seems that you are describing a series of events (facing challenge of English, adapting to the new culture, and keeping working hard in school). I think this will confuse your readers.

Also, there are some sentences make me feel redundant: "What was waiting for me was new language and culture. I had to challenge myself to adapt to new culture and language." where you use "new language and culture" for twice, and "had to be determined" can be replaced by "was determined".

To be honest, I am not good writer, so my posts are all IMHO and I cannot guarantee that my feelings are correct.

BTW, please go to my page tocheck my latest thread. Thank you!