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Posts by wonderland
Name: CH
Joined: Feb 14, 2015
Last Post: Feb 15, 2015
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  

School: YMCI

Displayed posts: 5
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wonderland   
Feb 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / Television and its powerful influences; can simultaneously benefit and ruin our cultural development [3]

"Television has always been thea tool, whichthat can easily influence many societiessociety . It is perfectly understandablereasonable, consideringsince most of the people these days people nowadays tend to watch TV 6 hours aper day. "

I agree with dev that you need to provide proof on the 6 hours.
Try not to say "our people." It sounds funny and ruins the tone in my opinion.
Overall, you have goods points. You just need to look for some grammar mistakes.
wonderland   
Feb 15, 2015
Undergraduate / Embrace anything and everything - even unexpected [2]

It's due tonight, please help!
Please tell me if my essay answers the prompt or not and whether it is convincing. I personally feel like I haven't answered the second half but I can't think of anything else until I am given feedback.

Describe one of your greatest strengths. Given the knowledge you have gained about the Queen's Commerce Program, describe how this strength will help you to succeed in the program. (Please limit your answer to 300 words or fewer, approximately 1950 characters with spaces)

Anyone can plan things out to a certain extent but that does not guarantee the future will follow accordingly. Being able to accept what happens in life and decide how to proceed from there on without constant self-reproach is essential to success because life is unpredictable. Since I was little, my expectations were rather unrealistic. I was met with disappointment half the time and blamed myself for not doing any better. After I started partaking in extracurricular activities, I realized that it was normal. One of my greatest strengths now is the ability to embrace the unexpected.

As the Editor in Chief of Spectrum, my school's yearbook committee, there were times where things did not goes as planned. From disputes within the executive team to the photographer heads losing photos to the copy editors missing their deadlines-none of this was expected because my team had prior experience with Spectrum. However, instead of blaming myself for letting this happen, I calmly accepted the outcome and came up with solutions to address the problems.

The Queen's Commerce Program is similar in the fact that anything can happen. Being the most prestigious undergraduate program in Canada, it is a whole new world I can only predict to a certain extent. The program allows students to develop an understanding of business in their first two years and although there will definitely be things I am unfamiliar with, I will embrace the unknown material and go out of my way to comprehend it fully. The same applies to all the conferences and competitions to be held. Because it will be my first time, things may not go as I expect it would. If that happens, I am certain I will remain calm, adapt quickly, and think about how I would approach the situation. In essence, with my strength, I am able to embrace anything that comes my way. If it is failure, I will learn from what I did wrong and improve myself in order to do better next time.
wonderland   
Feb 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / The benefits of living in the contemporary world! We used to squander hours on preparing our foods. [2]

"Foods used to be an issue for people, since our people did not knowbecause they were unaware of how to correctly cultivate or herd back then. Notwithstanding,Nn ow, we do not have to experience that problem any longer, because we now are quite erudite when it comes to foods. "

In general, there are many unnecessary commas throughout the essay and you use the word "now" a lot. You should look over your essay for grammatical errors and edit some sentence structures. Avoid using "obviously."
wonderland   
Feb 15, 2015
Undergraduate / "Inquiry and knowledge have always guided me..." - Queen's PSE Engineering [2]

"At Queen's University, I will expand upon these skills further inwith the help of my academic and extracurricular activities."

"Whether it was driving through driving through Downtown Kingston, or studying at Joseph S. Stauffer library- I've always felt embodied in the Queen's environment."

"In particular, the Integrated Learning Centre has always attracted me to Queen's, providing opportunities to work and collaborate successfully with my peers in a creative and intuitive environment. "

This is basically what the centre can do for you rather than your personal goals.

"My passion for the Arts program as well will also help atone my artistic and musical talents..."

"...and showing demonstrating school spirit all around "

"After graduating from Queen's University, I will focus my prospects into further applications of engineering through the academic and social skills I had developed to continue my career as an engineer."

This sentence should be reworded. I feel like the bit about your academic and social skills sounds repetitive and isn't really necessary.
wonderland   
Feb 14, 2015
Undergraduate / The transition is frightening, really. However, I remain unchanged. [2]

In an essay of 300 words or fewer (approximately 1950 characters with spaces), write about your goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond. Your answer will be evaluated for content and writing style.

Any thoughts or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! I don't really like how the essay turned out but at the same time, I don't know how I should change it.

--
The transition from high school to post-secondary can be frightening. From how we attend to our next classes to teaching styles to the students themselves-it is no longer the same as how it was back in high school. However, one thing is for sure: my character remains unchanged. With my excellent work ethics and the desire to succeed, I am eager to become heavily involved with the Queen's community, making Queen's a milestone in my life.

To start off the beginning of my first year, I want to spend time developing relationships with my peers, professors, and also with the university itself by joining clubs such as Random Acts of Kindness, and partaking in various social gatherings such as Frosh Week and events hosted by All Year Social. Furthermore, I want to become an executive of the Queen's Commerce Society and also apply for the position of Oil Thigh Design's graphic designer, for graphic design has always been one of my hobbies. On the other hand, I aim to develop my understanding of business and explore my fields of interest more in depth by taking part in the conferences and competitions Queen's has to offer. Not only that, but I would love to do an exchange at HKUST Business School in Hong Kong.

Although the future is still far away, I have set my sights on becoming a Chartered Professional Accountant. Upon completion of my BCom degree, I want to complete the Graduate Diploma in Accounting and write the Common Final Evaluation. After that, I seek to work in the industry and act as an adviser with my business insight and strategic thinking. In essence, I am prepared to take the necessary steps in achieving my goals, starting at Queen's University.
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