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Posts by essayvision
Joined: Jul 10, 2009
Last Post: Feb 16, 2010
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essayvision   
Feb 16, 2010
Undergraduate / As I journey through life I often asked myself, "What is my life purpose? Essay for Peace Corps [7]

In terms of answering those specific questions, I think you've pretty much nailed them with your personal accounts. I can clearly get a sense of why you want to be in the Peacecorps and that it is definitely reflected from your previous experiences. You also touch upon the potential challenges that lay ahead being part of Peacecorps. Overall all a great essay and I hope all the best for your future endeavors.

With that said, I do want to bring up the last sentence of your first paragraph where it says "As I started to ask myself these questions, answers start to come from different directions and in many forms that I just don't understand." I think you meant to imply how all these various expereinces came together and it is overwhelming how they've all guided you to the similar path (i.e. joining peacecorps) I would avoid saying "i don't understand", rather, it might be better to say something like "from these experiences, I was able to realize..."

Hope this helps and good luck,

David
essayvision   
Feb 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / mobile phones is destroying social interaction. Do you agree? IELTS GT essay [3]

Hi Umme,

I like how you write both pros and cons of having such technology and argue both sides. However, after reading your essay, I am not entirely convinced if your pros of having this technology weighs more than your cons. In addition, I think you can make it more clear in your introduction and conclusion, what your stand is between the two sides and make it feel more "confident" that this technology is indeed something that brings value to our society.

David
essayvision   
Feb 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Be all that you can be." - University of Washington Transfer Essay [2]

First of all, sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I can only imagine the traumatic distress you had to go through.

As for your essay, aside from the grammatical issues, I think it comprehensively touches on all the points for your essays. It is clear your reasons for transferring as you mention the need for more academic resources. Moreover, it captures the audience's attention by bringing up personal account into perspective and how that has affected your grades and that as a result, you can face any challenges that lay ahead.

With that said, I would advise you to consider revising the following:

"After the dead of my grandfather.." should be "death" of my grandfather.

"because of their lower costs" should be "because of its lower cost"

"I have had a lot of obstacles and challenges thrown at me and as soon as I thought I have gone through one problem the next one appears in front of me" wordy and awkward, consider changing to.."although I was faced with obstacles and challenges one after another, .."

"I had a hard time adjusting to working" should be "I had a hard time adjusting to work"

I particularly like your concluding paragraph as it sums up your essay and re-emphasizes your character's strength. Wish you best of luck!
essayvision   
Feb 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "An entrepreneur at heart" - economics, reasons for transferring, objectives [8]

Your revision is significantly better than your initial draft as it reflects detailed reasoning as to why you want to transfer. I particularly like how you made good comparison not undermining Penn state too negatively as it was in your initial draft. Overall a much improved essay, but I would consider rephrasing some sentences such as:

"I was totally convinced.." - How about "Without a doubt, I was convinced". The word "totally" sounds too conversational.

" I was not going to be second fiddle" - Sounds a bit informal, given the context and nature for the application essay.
essayvision   
Feb 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I want to study engineering- Poly NYU Personal Statement [3]

1. I really like your reason for choosing time square (notice "time" not plural), that you can witness how electricity has made it all possible. The only thing here that I would change is the phrase "technology advances of today.." instead --> "today's technological advances"

2. I notice you've taken more of a philosophical approach to answer this question which may be good, if it can be clarified further as to why you would like to do engineering more specifically. I would definitely try to back up with more evidence as to why engineering "can do good to others in some way". It is a bit vague and sounds as if you are choosing engineering for the sake of choosing one. Although your answers are supposedly to be kept at minimum (as it seems), I would still be careful in providing detailed reasons as to why you chose engineering vs. others. Perhaps you can relate it to your background, personality, or interests as well.

3. It's good that you set out your reasons more clear here. I would just rearrange the first sentence to start out something like "Despite the fact that I lived only hour and a half a way... I still..."

Hope this helps!
essayvision   
Feb 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "to become an extraordinary teacher",common application-extracurricular activity [8]

Hi Sheila,

The statement is concise and at the same time it does send a great message to the admissions and that is how you were able to overcome fear in public speaking and achieve something that you've never thought you could.

However, it would be even better if you had a very short intro as well as a strong concluding sentence that explains how through this event, you have become that very person you wanted to be. Also, I would consider revising "The words of a math lesson that I was instructed to teach easily flowed out my mouth despite my shy mannerism. " as it sounds a bit wordy.

Hope this helps!
essayvision   
Feb 8, 2010
Undergraduate / Brown supplemental essay, that "perfect" one. [4]

Hi Sarah,

I personally like your statement very much as it focuses on various factors not just on academics or any other skewed reason. Admission officers do look for students who are keen to contribute to their school not just in terms of academics but to its student body, diversity, and surrounding communities. Your overall tone of the essay sounds very enthusiastic and does display eagerness to be part of Brown.

The only part I would suggest editing is the use of word choices. For example, when you mention "It cannot just be the warm, friendly ...In the end, college is not simply a place to grow as a scholar but a place to grow as an individual." I realize you are trying to convey that school is not just for a place to study but a place to grow as a person. Try to avoid a "lecture" tone, which can bore the reader and may sound artificial. Instead, start with a more personalized tone such as "I believe that life as a college student not only involves academics, but also..."

Lastly, try not to over-do the comparison with other schools by saying "and I have begun loosing faith in those other six thousand and something schools", because the fact is there are definitely many schools out there which are also very fantastic and you don't want to sound too exaggerated.

Otherwise a great statement and good luck!

David
essayvision   
Feb 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "An entrepreneur at heart" - economics, reasons for transferring, objectives [8]

Overall, your reasons are quite clear, although I would take the following into consideration:

Firstly, you do mention that after spending a semester at Penn State, you knew Economics was the right field for you. Your main reason for transfer seems to be mainly because of the need for better education as you label it as an "upgrade". I would be careful as to not look down too much at your current school, as it can imply negative image for the tone. I would look into more of an appreciative tone such as "while penn state offered great leadway into my intial studies in Economics, I believe that..." Replace the "upgrade" with "resources" and mention how NYU's specific resources can benefit you.

I would also avoid starting your third paragraph with "My reasons for transferring are almost entirely academic" since it presents you as a less rounded person. Instead, focus on something else other than academics that NYU offers which aren't available at Penn state. Perhaps its a special professor that you want to work with, a business club, or the network/community.