Research Papers / How to weigh the cost and benefits of reloading your own ammunition [2]

Hello,

I am not sure what the questions was exactly, but from your post it seems as though it wants to know the pros and cons of reloading your ammunition.

First off, I would like to say that your essay was well written. However, you talk about HOW to reload your ammunition and how much it will cost etc. You do not actually make an argument for reloading your own ammunition rather than buying it from the store.

You could make a thesis saying something like "Reloading your own ammunition is more cost effective and shows more responsibility as a gun owner because it teaches you about your firearm, you become a more accurate shooter and it is cheaper.

Then you would make paragraphs arguing why these three points (or any points you think are important) make it a better choice.
It would also be good to present the counter argument. EX: Some people think that it is not a better choice because it is too difficult (or whatever argument people have against your point of view) Be sure to rebut the counter argument. This will make your paper much stronger.

I think a lot of the points you made in this essay will be good for supporting your argument, you just may want to restructure it so it has a clearer argument.

Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / Cultures .. one view of their dynamics; Pilgrims of Eastern origin [2]

Hello,
You bring up interesting points in this essay. However, the organization is a bit confusing.
First, you main points do not seem to be connected. It might be helpful to read this over and find what your thesis is, and put that at the beginning instead of the theoretical questions. And from there create an outline

It seems as though your main points are 1) If North America had been discovered by another culture, it would have been very different
2) The unique situation gave the founders a good chance to make a change in the world.
3) How this benefits the world.
It would be helpful to write simple sentences (after creating an outline) about your supporting facts and create paragraphs off of that.

Also, please watch out for wordiness and word order. A lot of your sentences are hard to follow. EX: "What is sweeping over the world is the discovery which happened in that country" could be shortened to "The discovery that happened in that country is sweeping over the world"

I hope this helped

Undergraduate / Growth of Resilience - UC Personal Statement 2 [4]

Hello,
The organization and grammar in this essay are overall very good.
However, I have some suggestions about the content. First of all, I would not criticize yourself in the essay. Calling yourself "pathetic," for example, sounds like you are seeking sympathy too much.

I would also incorporate your final point throughout your essay. At the end you say you "simply grew up". Elaborate more on what you mean by this. Also, I would not use that phrase. I would say "I learned to smile at criticism even though it hurt me. I knew if I listened, and tried to improve on what the person said I would become a better person/student etc." Add sentences throughout like this one, demonstrating how you learned from each of these experiences as a child.

If you add stuff like this, I think your essay will turn out very good.
I hope this helped.

Writing Feedback / The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair [5]

You could go on and say that she was kidnapped by the same person chasing her brother and write about how they escape.

Writing Feedback / Car ownership, public transport and environment protection - Ielts2 [2]

Hello,
Here are some edits for what you have. A good point to make is that, not only does the pollution caused my cars harm people, but it harms the environment as well.

With the enormous spread of private cars, people find themselves in front of a sensitive problem: should car ownership be restricted? From my perspective, the efforts to control the use of car will face reasonable obstacles; however the control needs to be assumed, at least partly.

In contrast,with buses and subway trains, which go only to scheduled places and at a scheduled time, while a car provides accessibility to a large amount of destinations and the opportunity to be independent from the schedule.

Moreover, scientists have linked the alertness and the disruption of sleeping patterns that citizens experience to the noise pollution produced by horns honking and the sound of working motors.

In order to lighten people's carbon dioxide and noise footprintpollution , the number of cars operated needs to be reduced.

In conclusion, I believe that, although difficult, car ownership should be restricted. In an effort to decrease the number of cars on the streets, governments need to encourage the use of public transportation by developing additional destinations of buses and subway trains and lower ing the prices of tickets.

Hope this helps

Letters / My good academic record and motivation make me a strong recommendation for a place at this program. [2]

Hello,
This essay was well written overall. You had great organization and good enthusiasm. I made some technical edits for you, but please review again and make sure all the grammatical mistakes are corrected.

Dear Sir/MadamTo Whom It May Concern, ,
With this letter, I hereby would like to express my motivation for ato participate in a PhD programme in geology offered by your University.
Many scholarships were offered for Syrian students but your programme is the only programme which full coverage for my major in one of the most important University in the world.I would not mention this in your essay. This topic is not appropriate for this type of essay

With a major in geophysics studies as an undergraduateBA in geophysics , and Masters in geophysics, I would now like to concentrate on studying structural geology by interpretation geophysical data and satellite imagery. I am particularly interested in Arabian plate movement, Ghab depression, and Palmyride anticline.

The use of gravity and magnetic methods in studying structural setting of northern Ghab Area became the subject for my essay which accepted in 22th October 2014 in Damascus university journal for basic science and it will publicationbe published soon.

In my studies towardfor a PhD degree, I wish to Construct the structural model for northern Palmyride in Syria based on geophysical interpretations and satellite imagery. Because there haveis not an integrated visualization of past and future of the Palmyride tectonic movements as a part of Arabian plate.

I have been working in many geological and geophysical studies in my present and previous work and get good experience in geological and tectonic of Syria and using geological, geophysics, satellite imagery, and geographic information system programs. Which will help me in Implementation my PhD plan.

Inone the other hand, I have been worked in many general organizations in last 10 years as a geophysicist and as ain the head of documentation department in last two years, so I have very good experience in networking with other external actors and very good experience in data management. with good experience in train others because I worked as a teacher in Damascus university for 3 years.

I visited your university website and findfound that there are many professors on school of geology have most important geological and geophysical researches in the world, and it's my opportunity to get my dream. I would like to say that I am eager to gain new experiences, improve my skills, and I am persuaded that studying in your PHD program would contribute to my development as a specialist of international level in the best possible way.

In a few years, I see myself teaching geophysics in one of Syrian universities and one of petroleum section leaders in Syria. PhD program offered by your scholarship would be valuable to me in several ways. First, your teaching assistantship program would provide me with the practical experience I am eager to acquire. Further, earning a Ph.D. in Geophysics would support my other career goals by adding to my creative skills, in my technical work. Ultimately, however, I see the Ph.D. as an end in itself, as well as a professional milestone; I enjoy studying geophysics for its own sake and would like to continue my studies on the level demanded by the Ph.D. program.

To my knowledge, this program is very competitive, attracting highly motivated students, but I am convinced that my good academic record and my motivation make me a strong recommendation for a place at it. I would be honored if you decide to accept my candidateship to be Ph.D. student at your Universities.[/quote]

Book Reports / I am writing a thesis paper on Oedipus the King and I think my thesis statment. Needs some work [3]

Hello,
these seem like supporting facts rather than a thesis. It sounds like your thesis is more like "Blindness in Oedipus Rex represents peoples inability to see the truth until it is too late" Or "Blindness represents how people often refuse to see horrible truths that happen right in front of them". Your supporting facts will be 1)Oedipus is "blind" throughout the story by his inability to understand that the prophecy has come true and scorns the ones who try to guide him;

2)however, Tiresias' physical blindness leads him to "see" the truth; and
3)Jocasta is blind to realize that she is married and has had children with her son.
Oedipus and Jocasta refuse to see how they have acted in ways that made the prophecy. However, the only man who is physically blind can see the truth, demonstrating how physical sight does not mean people can see the truth.

I think this will become a great essay if you organize it right. Good luck!

Scholarship / Essay on choosing Scotland - as a "good place to be", robotics and university [4]

Hello,
The area you most need to work on is organization.
I think it would be helpful for you to have paragraphs - an opening, middle paragraphs and a conclusion.
Your opening paragraph should clearly state why you want to go to Scotland, and your reasons for choosing this institution and subject. ex: I want to go to Scotland because.... I choose to study at this institution because it supports new research and ... I have a passion for robotics and this institution has a great robotics program.

Then your next paragraph will focus and expand on why you want to go to Scotland. Your third paragraph expands on why you picked that institution. Your next paragraph focuses on why you picked robotics.

Last you have your conclusion, where you bring it all together. You restate your major points, but make it more powerful. You can talk about your work experience here to end with why you would be great for this institution. It would make for a powerful ending.

Also, please check for grammar mistakes. Sometimes, you are missing the subject of the sentence.
Hope this helps

Research Papers / Nella Larsen's Passing - what to write about? [4]

I have not read that book, but if you send me a little more information about what you want to write about I can help you,

If you are completely stuck, here are some suggestions for writers block. Just start writing what ever comes to mind about the book. Don't worry if it is bad, just write whatever you think. Then read it over. Find a point that can be argued and base your thesis off of that.

Another idea is to write out each of your ideas for a thesis and list your arguments for that idea under it. This gives you an idea of which point you have the most back up for.

Hope this helps

Essays / MANY teenagers today do not listen to adults' advice do not have a sense of responsibillity [3]

A good place to start would be to state your opinion. Do you agree or disagree. Then you need to find three points to support your argument. For example: I believe that teenagers do not take adults' advice or have a sense of responsibility. They expect their parents to give them everything, they do not have to have jobs like teenagers used to, and they do not think they need to write their own essays.

Then you take each point, and make a paragraph with it. Use specific details to back up your argument.
Lastly you need to write a conclusion. Restate your introduction paragraph, but rephrase it.
Hope this helped.