Writing Feedback / Fear and Loathing in Society - respond to an article [3]

Hello,
First off, I would not say fear is evil.
Second, I think if you improved your organization a little it will help a lot. Maybe start with an outline? Have a clear thesis (I am not sure what your main points are at the beginning) and then your supporting facts. It seems like your thesis should have something to do with race because you focus a lot on that.

When you use evidence, make sure you state exactly what article it is. Do not say "this article states that...' it is very unclear and vague.

Discrimination is still the number one problem in America and the number one fear factor as well. this is a bold statement. where is your evidence for it?

Due to society, whites are shown as overindulged and successful even when some are not. Most minorities fear domination that is why there is a constant comparison between other races when in fact as the years progress from slavery to present the gap between minority races have become smaller.these are over-generalizations. again, you need evidence to make these kinds of statements.

Your thesis is about fear, but your essay is about discrimination and race...I do really see the connection. I know how fear is related to discrimination but you do not make that point clear. I would start with an outline to make your points clearer and then expand on your points.

Grammar, Usage / Future perfect continuous tense and its usage! [5]

"I will stand up when I see them approaching the couch" Sounds better.
The first option is too wordy and awkward. Hope this helped

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

read, write and watch shows or movies in English. Listening and understanding what you hear is different than understanding what you read.
Also, I agree that you have to learn to think in the language. When I was learning Japanese, I did not get very good until I lived there and was surrounded by Japanese people and could only communicate in Japanese. Fortunately, English is a much more common language to speak, so I am sure you can find native speakers to speak with as well. The more you speak with native speakers, the more you will be able to think in the language. But watching movies will help too. You still have to think in the language to be able to keep up with the movie.

Good luck!

Research Papers / Important Roles of Nonprofits [2]

Hello,
Your off to a good start. Here is some suggestions on organization. Hope it helps.

The first thing to work on is repetition. You state that non-profits are very good for the world multiple times. Your first two pages should be one paragraph. If you have a hard time organizing, you should start with an outline. First, figure out what your thesis is. Your thesis is your main idea or what you are trying to prove. Then you should come up with your main points. These main points will make your topic sentences in each paragraph.

for each point you should have two or three supporting facts. After each fact, explain how that backs up your argument. Then a closing sentence. and so on until the conclusion. An outline should look like this.

Intro
Introduce your topic
Thesis with your main points
Para
First main point - topic sentence
Quote 1
Supporting argument
Quote 2
supporting argument
Quote 3
support
closing sentence
repeat for all you points
conclusion
repeat main points and thesis but in different words
finishing statement

Be sure to properly introduce all of your sources in the text (depends on the format you are using)

Graduate / True leader knows how to stand up for what he believe. Cooperation can't exist without competition. [4]

Your organization is really good throughout this essay. I think you are off to a very good start.

A couple notes -

At the end of your first paragraph, you need a clearer thesis. The prompt directly asks if cooperation or competition is the best way for a society to function. You need to state clearly which one you think is best

cooperation does not mean agreement, it means working with each other for the better good. So your sentence "While it may be true that cooperation is the key to success, it must be realized that agreeing to what every other person says is not an ideal quality for a leader to possess." should be re-worded.

use a colon here In a utopian world, everyone agrees with one another,; there are no melees, quarrels or wars, and people coexist peacefully. However in reality, this is not the case.

each other is two words.

Someone who is cooperative and noncompetitive may make some questionable decisions related to foreign policy .explain why. For example, I would argue that competitive people would make questionable decisions because they want to win so badly they will not compromise for the greater good. Could you explain why you think the opposite?

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / Journal essay (welfare state) [3]

Hello,
You are off to a good start. However, you did not clearly answer the prompt.
The prompt asks if a state should take responsibility for it's citizens and if you agree with a welfare state. You talk about what kind of state you would run. While this is similar, it does not answer the prompt. Do not talk about what kind of state you would run. Talk about why you agree with a welfare state.

There are also some organizational suggestions below.

Essays / The Diary of Anne Frank Dramatic License Info [3]

I cannot find the article you are talking about, but think of the attitude of the play and journal like the feeling you get from it. It does not mean attitude, as in someone has a bad attitude. It is the feeling and the chemistry between the characters that she is talking about.

For example, the attitude in the diary is very somber and thoughtful. It is sad, but not really that dark or morbid. Anne is, overall, very optimistic. If I remember correctly, they say it is because she looses her optimism that she dies in the camp ( I could be totally wrong though, it has been a very long time since I've read it)

I have not seen the play so I do not know about that but I'm guessing it is darker and more morbid. In that case The attitude of the play is more depressing and grim.

I hope that helped

Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [13]

Hello,
I think you are off to a great start. Your essay is very compelling and moving. I just have a few tips for you to improve.

The biggest thing I noticed was tense. You need to speak in past tense when you are talking about the past. For example: "I climb up on a speaker pole and I do something I never expected to do. I wave to get everyone's attention and address the audience", climb is in present tense, do is in present tense, expected is in past tense, wave is in present tense, and address is in present tense. However, you are talking about a past event, so the sentence should read "I climbed up on a speaker pole and I did something I never expected to do. I waved to get everyone's attention and addressed the audience".

Another part that is a little confusing is when you flashback to talking with your dad about his work. Maybe say something like "This made me think about a time with my dad..." just to keep it clear and help the flow.

Finally, the ending could be more powerful. I think you could focus on the idea that when things don't go as planned you can always make the best out of the situation. The part about making everyone enjoy your set is good, but I think the other idea is a better way to end.

Hope this helps! Good luck.

Undergraduate / "I learned MAGIC!" Harvard/UChicago Essay "What makes you Happy?" [4]

Hello,
This is a very interesting essay and I think it will catch the reader's eye. Below are just a few ideas I thought might improve your writing.

One thing I would change is what you focus on. You focus a while on how you do the tricks, while I would put more emphasis on why this makes you happy. I think tying that idea in earlier and explaining it more will make the essay stronger. You could talk about how you like to make sense of the things around you and find the science behind the magic.

Also, I wouldn't make magic tricks sound so mystical. There is a lot of logic and reasoning behind how they work, and since you are talking about how you are a science-minded person, I would focus on that. I also don't think I would mention anything about muggles in a college entrance essay and magical arts should not be capitalized because it is not actually a course. I would re-phrase that sentence to make it sound more professional.

Overall, you are off to a good start. Good luck and I hope you do well!

Writing Feedback / Comparison of the society growth and urban areas [2]

Hello,

Overall, the content of this essay is good and understandable. You draw information from the graphs well and break up your ideas correctly. Your biggest issue here is grammar. I have given a few examples of things that can be corrected below. I hope this helps.

For example, the sentence, ... is an incomplete sentence. It should read "Overall, the societies with the highest populations are predicted to be developing regions in 2040."

... should read:

"On the other hand, the figure depicting developing regions started at around 2,300 million people and steadily inclines until 2040 with an increase of less than 500 million people per year."

"Millions of people" should be changed to "(number) million people". "Millions of people" is used for non-exact numbers but when you have the exact number, you should say "(number) million people".

You should say "despite this,..." rather than "despite,..."

Also watch out for period usage, capital letters, missing words, etc.

Good luck!