Writing Feedback / "Is popular culture the strongest influence on a young person's identity?" SAT Essay [7]

I am preparing for The SAT. I wonder, if you guys could grade this essay out of 6 and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

SAT January 2013 Essay:

Prompt

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Young people are highly influenced by popular culture. They attempt to define themselves on the basis of what they see on television, in newspapers and magazines, and in the movies. In fact, young people accept the values of popular culture as their own, believing that those values are central to their personal development and social acceptance.

Assignment: Is popular culture the strongest influence on a young person's identity? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My Essay:

In a world overwhelmed with the brands of globalization manifested in a standardized way of living, eating, behaving and acting, starkly different views rose on the fore while asking whether cosmopolitan culture or popular culture has the final say and the strongest impact on youth's identity.

A couple of axioms might be usefully affirmed at this point. I believe that young persons' consciousness is determined by local tradition, customs, and popular culture. In fact the early exposure to folklore, religious practices and traditional celebrations plays a pivotal role on kids' personal perspectives toward the world around them. Their identity, then, is just a renewed reflection of community's morals, believes and aspirations. Just like a sponge who absorb the water from the surroundings, so that, young persons' identity take its principle supplies from popular culture. That's how we can distinguish people around the globe. For instance, German Work ethic, American Liberalism and Chinese endurance are proves that generations' identity is shaped by the local philosophy, ideology and vision and each upcoming generation can't help but follow the footsteps of its ancestors and build an identity based on culture's insights.

Another straightforward argument has to do with young persons' concerns, dreams and substantial causes. In fact, media/propaganda messages, foreign pundits analysis's or strangers' views have little influence on people experiencing colonization or segregation, at an early age. At the other side Cultural roots tend to satisfy the inner appeal inside youth calling for sovereignty, autonomity and dignity. At this stage, we can understand that the popular culture is mostly effective to attract kids' hearts and put its unique fingerprint because the culture encapsulates the nation's wisdom, experience and history. So a child with a raw and pure mindset is doomed consequently to be a part of his people by assimilating all its values from its popular culture.

Since brevity is a source of wit, I have to be precise and concise that a young person's identity is the fruit of his native culture regarding the scope of its influence on any part of his personality, be it spiritual or material.

Writing Feedback / "Does money lead to selfishness?" SAT May 2012 Essay [5]

I am preparing for The SAT. I wonder, if you guys could grade this essay out of 6 and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

SAT May 2012 Essay
Prompt:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
No amount of wealth can help humanity move forward and make progress, even under the management of the most dedicated and socially conscious workers. Money leads only to selfishness and becomes an irresistible temptation to its owners to abuse it. The only thing that can lead people to praiseworthy ideas and noble deeds is to follow the example of those great individuals who put other factors before money.

Adapted from Albert Einstein in Alice Calaprice, The New Quotable Einstein

Assignment:
Does money lead to selfishness? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My Essay:

"Money is the root of all evil", a cliché that links wealth with moral, ethical and social damage or abuse. Personally, I believe that it's a far fetched assumption. Money can by no mean alter people's behavior, leading to greed and selfishness.

First and foremost, I think that it's parochial and irreverent to address to money as manipulator of human's reason. Money lead to individual prosperity thus increasing human's ability to engage in social activism, altruism and philanthropy. Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Angelina Jolie are figures who dedicate a part of their wealth to subsidize sub-Saharan regions with water supplies, electricity and food. Their growing wealth put it on the track to eradicate extreme poverty , to build schools and to draw a smile on faces suffering from insurgency, sectarian strife and hunger. Some other rich people like Steve Jobs, who own astronomical amount of wealth, is investing capitals to charity in order to save countless homeless and educated people. His kind-hearted attitude to low-income families and underprivileged invidious urged rich people around the world to follow his footsteps and to support the needy, the sick and the homeless.

In addition, rich people tend to be fully aware about the woes of the world that's why they contribute to heal one of the modern-world wounds, to solve some stressing issues like Famine and to lessen, finally, tensions around the world. For example to tighten the wide gap between the haves and have-nots, They introduce plenty of voluntary campaigns funded by their own firms, business or jobs. They sacrifice their income to enable people to enjoy products and services for free. For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo, 2014 Ballon D'Or Winner, donated millions of dollars to fund refugee Organizations and to give significant part of his money to give opportunities for young football talents to play in prestigious Academies and achieve their dreams.

Finally, Money does not trigger selfishness. There are wealthy people who share, care for others and feel their pain. They make numerous contributions to the prosperity of human kind overall. Basically, it's a hasty generalization to claim that money generates greed, vanity and selfishness.

Writing Feedback / Is talking the most effective and satisfying way of communicating with others? SAT [4]

SAT May 2010 Essay: Prompt 2

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

A well-known company recently proposed setting aside every Friday as a day with no e-mail-based communication. On these e-mail-free Fridays, employees would be encouraged to refrain completely from reading or sending e-mail or text messages and advised instead to call each other or talk in person. This idea can work for everyone. If each week we set aside time to actually talk to one another, our communications will be less impersonal and more effective and satisfying.

Assignment:

Is talking the most effective and satisfying way of communicating with others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My Essay:

The world is in full swing as we move from paper-based communication via letters and face to face contact to digital-based Communication and Virtual contact.

On one hand, one can ponders that Social Media, E-mail, texting and phone calls make communication easier but surpass the emotional, sensitive and inner part of human. Indeed, talking in person is irreplaceable for people seeking for strong support and serenity while living in a state of mental illness, sufferance or madness caused by isolation in an ice-cold modern world. Face to face contact will be effective to relieve this pain, to attenuate grief and to give a real sense of share to a desperate person. The warmth of real conversations including facial expressions, tone of voice and body language can substantially effect conversation. Psychologists, Social Scholars and even doctors suggest that the need for a real intercommunication is not a luxury but a stressing necessity as it has a serious impact on people's perception of life, especially between people on the same wavelength.

A smile, a fresh joke, a hug, a kiss can make human spirit flourish and rise from ash and dust because they give a person comfort and affection. These signs of emotionally-pure relationship are vital and can only be done in person. No Web-cam Shots, no Snapchat texts, no E-mails can make an impact as such.

One the other hand, real communication is clinical and must be revitalized. Facebook language which includes abbreviations, foreign words and a mixture of grammatically-incorrect sentences is threatening languages like English. For example, the use of term like "wass'up","4ever", Su'p"... while chatting online had taken an unfortunate plunge which cause students to dismiss or forget actual word and may lead to failure in tasks like writing and grammar. That's why, it's important to talk in person because lessen the impact of "texting language" as most people do not talk text. For a broader perspective, it's vital for a nation to preserve its language by increasing its proper use because language is one of the pillars of civilization, history and culture.

Writing Feedback / "Why do we not value the creative arts more than we do?" SAT October 2010: Essay [6]

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Why do we not value the creative arts more than we do? Why are subjects like music, drama, photography, and creative writing always the first to be cut from school budgets during hard times? Many would answer that, unlike math, science, history, and other subjects taught in school, the arts are unnecessary. But this is so untrue. The arts are as necessary as these other subject areas-possibly even more necessary.

Assignment:

Is it absolutely necessary for people to study the creative arts? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

MY ESSAY:
Arts are the spirit of education; it's the core of a well-structured formation. Throughout history, philosophy and social studies one can assert that creative ats illuminate emotions and promotes an in-depth analysis of reality as much as scientific subjects such as Math, Biology and Physics.

First and Foremost, Arts shapes people's consciousness. Painting for example, depicts a panorama of social classes, its dreams, its concerns and its aspirations. Delacroix art work "Freedom Leading People" give an unmeasured pride to French people. It exemplifies the persistence of a people who snatch its freedom from the claws of dictatorship. After the revolution, French people gained a sense of art and romance by studying meticulously arts. Such approach helps them clamber out of the box and build a close-knit society where democracy is making giant strides, nowadays.

Indeed, I believe that creative art is a clear indicator of free-thinking and liberalism.
In fact, a community, where art is censured or regressed, could be at the verge of a social unrest, regarding that arts are necessary for people's mental, moral and even economic prosperity.

In a world where money , power and material things are all what matter, arts, such as Drama and music, turn to be the only elixir to people's greed, foolishness and vanity. Arts discuss one's inner morals, ethics and principles so that it will be possible for a responsible and a mature person to analyze, revise and criticize himself in order to build a new person who rise from ash and dust and choose the path of truth , honesty and love.

Also, Arts are cathartic, relives the stress and purify soul .By tinkering piano's keys, one can express himself and pop out his anger. By reading a literature book, one can explore new worlds and feed his imagination.

The creative arts allow people to get rid of tension and to pour emotions out, which are potentially crucial in modern world, the cold jungle of cement and concrete.

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