Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by shuto
Name: Shuto Araki
Joined: Oct 20, 2015
Last Post: Dec 28, 2015
Threads: 4
Posts: 7  
Likes: 2
From: Japan
School: Tokyo Metropolitan Toyama High School

Displayed posts: 11
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
shuto   
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Knox? -Knox College and experiential learning- [4]

I appreciate you guys for your help. I edited my essay based on your suggestions.

At the Grew Bancroft symposium in Tokyo, Joshua Forchau, a Director of International Student Services and Admission at Knox College, once said, "Knox is where human beings gather and experience stuff." These words, although plain and simple, developed the feeling that Knox College is where I should spend my next four years of my life.

My twelve years of education at public schools in Japan mostly consisted of sitting in dull, undiverse classrooms. Overall, my perspective on education at the time was very bland. However, this all changed when I was able to spend my Junior year of high school at CREC Metropolitan Learning Center in Bloomfield, CT.

For the first time in my life, I experienced what it is like to be in a diverse environment. Over time, I developed a passion for interacting with people from totally different backgrounds and learned so much more than I have ever learned through books. I transitioned into the mindset that education isn't just obtained by sitting in a classroom, but it is also obtained by going out and interacting with others.

What's best for me is obvious now because Knox College offers engaging learning experiences, great academics (many math and science Ph.D. candidates!), active clubs and organizations, delicious food, and a diverse community, where everyone is so inclusive that every member of its community can participate in every educational opportunity. These are what I was looking for.

I'm certain that Knox College is the right choice for me. There are not many liberal arts colleges that promote experiential learning as much as Knox College.
shuto   
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Wesleyan Supplement - practical value of a liberal arts education - [4]

Thank you guys for your suggestions. I revised my essay based on your advice, so I would appreciate if you could check it again.

Wesleyan President Michael Roth believes a liberal arts education is a pragmatic choice in these times. In what way do you see a liberal arts education having practical value?

(250 words or less)


My uncle is a software engineer, who earned his computer science degree ...
--------------------------

Do you think I shouldn't list Because's or is it effective as my tone?
shuto   
Dec 24, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Knox? -Knox College and experiential learning- [4]

Please comment and/or correct errors.

-------------------------------
Why Knox? (100-300 words)

"Knox is where human beings gather and experience stuff," said Joshua Forchau, an international admission officer, at the Grew Bancroft symposium in Tokyo. Those simple words made me feel that Knox College was where I should spend my next four years.

I wish to continue and grow my educational experiences and I believe that Knox College is the right choice for me.
Being born and raised in Japan, I had lived in a homogeneous community. Almost all people are Japanese and speak only Japanese. My twelve years of education at Japanese public schools was mostly sitting is a classroom and listening to teachers. That was until I spend my Junior year of high school in Connecticut.

For the first time in my life, I experienced what it's like to be in a diverse environment. I love interacting with people from the other side of the planet. I learned so much more than I could ever obtain from any books by talking with people from different backgrounds. Yes, education is something you also go out and experience for yourself.

Now that I know how crucial it is to learn through experiences and real human interactions, I'm sure Knox College is the right choice for me. There are not many liberal arts colleges that promote experiential learning as much as Knox College.

-------------------------------

Thank you in advance!
shuto   
Dec 24, 2015
Undergraduate / Wesleyan Supplement - practical value of a liberal arts education - [4]

Wesleyan President Michael Roth believes a liberal arts education is a pragmatic choice in these times. In what way do you see a liberal arts education having practical value?

(250 words or less)


Nowadays, people around the world are connected with each other through the Internet, and we need to cooperate with people from different backgrounds. In this global society, we can't help dealing with cultural/social complexity, diversity, and changes. I believe a liberal arts and sciences education is the most practical choice to be successful in this rapidly changing society.

Some of the skills that a liberal arts and sciences education fosters are critical, analytical, and creative thinking skills, teamwork, the ability to communicate effectively, and ethical decision-making skills. They are essential for us to survive in our uncertain and changing society because you need to think and make decisions in order to find and solve problems. The mastery of a wide range of intellectual and cultural experiences will nurture multiple approaches to their solutions.

For example, if I was promoted to a manager from an engineer, some practices in psychology (not to mention math and science) may play a significant role. I think a liberal arts and sciences education is especially suitable for leaders in the future because it fosters well-rounded characters.

A liberal arts and sciences education also provides a foundation for learning in every professional field. In order to learn something, you have to be able to think critically and communicate effectively.

This is how I see a liberal arts and sciences education having practical value.

(227 words)

Thank you for reading my essay! Please comment and/or fix my errors.
shuto   
Dec 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2-Medical care improvement for living longer [2]

... is to make people are livinglive longer and to increase of human-life expectancy. Some people claim about advantages and disadvantages of ...
... to live with their family longer in the rest of their lifeslives.,fF or example, a grandfatherCOMMAin one family who is getting sickCOMMA try to cure himself for livingto live with and seeing his grandchildren.

I can't understand some expressions, but for overall, I can understand what you want to say. Be careful when you use pronouns (especially "it") because sometimes they make sentences ambiguous.

Good job!
shuto   
Dec 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Comparisons regarding the number of heat level per month and annual hours of sunshine; IELTS 1 [2]

According to the data particularly in the line chart, the advance cities as Sydney records the greatest temperature in the first month, there is 25 degrees Celsius for humidifier range., next,In the next phase, it plunges in the middle period to 15 degrees Celsius, yet the data witness an increase in December. It is stark in contrast to theIn contrast, the temperature at New York, this capital city in the Americaobtains a increased sharply which is the peak performance at 30 degrees Celsius on July. Furthermore, the data falls down to 5 degrees Celsius in the last period, w. W hen it comes to London, the temperature level is as similar as withthat ofthe New York. Both of them look parabola curve, even though the London's heat level is slightly expanded heat level .

I like your expressions. You precisely described the graph, but New York is not the capital city of the United States.
Good job!
shuto   
Nov 25, 2015
Undergraduate / The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism- [5]

@justivy03
Thank you very much! I will correct my sentences.

@vangiespen
I appreciate your comment on my essay content.
I think I can develop my story in that way to fit the prompt.
But how about changing my prompt to this one?:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Do you think my essay fits in with this prompt better than "transition to adulthood" one?
shuto   
Nov 24, 2015
Undergraduate / The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism- [5]

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

-------------------------------------------------
The moment I opened up myself. -overcoming autism-

"Any ideas? What do you think?"

"Shuto! You gotta dance with us!"

"The midterm is a discussion style."

"Prepare for your presentation next week."

I had constantly faced situations that I needed to reveal myself during my one-year exchange program in Connecticut. In Japan, I didn't have to express myself. All I had to do as a student was to listen to teachers quietly. No one is expected to speak out. No one cares what you think. Moreover, my personal background made this exchange year even harder. Many of my American friends seemed to be never afraid of stating their opinions in front of others. It was time to say goodbye to myself in the past.

Raised in a single mother family, I felt like I had always been forgotten because my mom had to work hard to support our family. I came to close my mind. I hated talking with people. I couldn't stand even a slight change in daily life, all of which are the typical symptoms of autism. I was once panicked at the school trip in fifth grade because I had to spend a night at an unfamiliar place. I was, however, a "good" kid. I pretended to be nice to everyone and listened to my mom and teachers. Since I followed their advice all the time, I earned good grades at middle school and got into one of the top public high schools in Tokyo, but I had never actually made my own decision before.

When I became a junior at the high school, I decided to go to the University of Tokyo, which is the best university in Asia, because my mom and teachers recommended the choice. Still, I didn't have my thoughts for the future even though I was a smart kid, who had a good shot for the entrance exams for top universities in Japan. However, I came to question myself, studying ten hours a day at the library, "What am I studying for? Is all this knowledge going to be my assets in the future? Aren't experiences more important than just knowledge from books?" Then, luckily, I found a study abroad program with a full scholarship. For the first time, I made my own decision to apply to this scholarship, contrary to the "expectations".

During my exchange program, I learned the importance of self-expression. I took many forms to reveal myself to survive in the American culture. I danced at the parties, sang at the church, discussed the future with my friends, performed karate at the talent show, and of course, I did a lot of presentations in each class. As I open up myself, more and more people around me recognized and praised my achievements, saying "Good job Shuto!" People are so supportive that I found myself being confident, which I never had had in life. Though the process was tough for me, I enjoy opening up my mind and can live each moment from my own inspiration, not from desire to meet expectations from others. Other than being a hermit in a quiet library, I learned to go out and have some real experiences. Even I can't believe I used to be autism!

Today, I feel I am in a completely new stage in life. I am not who I was. I am not afraid of making mistakes anymore. I stopped thinking that my ideas don't worth sharing. I love talking with many people from different backgrounds. I'm sure studying in the U.S. was the best decision I have ever made in life because it makes who I am today, writing a college application essay to go back and study again in the country that changed my life.

(628 words)
-------------------------------------------------

Thank you for reading my essay.
Do you think this is still too common and not unique enough? I posted another essay before, so I would appreciate it if you could tell me which one is better.

Any comments/corrections are welcome!

Thank you.
shuto   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The state Has An Obligation To Give Free Education And Health Services [2]

I found some errors and vague points, but for over all, I think your passage is well structured. I like how you used the hooks in each paragraph, which help readers to follow your logic.

Nice work!!

Therefore, the governments develop state hospitals and schools to help poor people, so that they can access easily because they reallyare in need. (because?)

I would say "Therefore, the governments provide with public healthcare and education for those who are in need."

Likewise, they provide the best infrastructures and qualified human resources to give the greatest services to them . ("they" and "them" are unclear pronouns.)

the government should encourage society to effort , not only waiting the aid from the state, but also achieving the welfare life.
(I can't figure out your structure here. "effort" is a noun, not a verb.)

pay by their selvesthemselves

I do believe that the governments need to help poor people to allocate some money for themto poor people so that they canto getenjoy free healthcare and education.

it will be more suitable than every single one obtains including the wealthy individuals.
(You should paraphrase this sentence because I don't see what you're comparing with.)

society's welfare is responsibility of all people in the worldAll people in the world are responsible for society's welfare , so they should motivate and inspire one and another.
shuto   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Mathematics is the essence of numbers!! This is a debate where I have shared my view. [2]

There are a few sentences that I couldn't understand, but for overall I think it's not bad. I've got what you want to say. I like how you explain the beauty of math. I think you use the word "imply" too much. Some can be replaced by "apply" or some other words. Try to write precisely and use various vocabularies. Good job! I fixed obvious errors only.

It is a universal language created by the human beingsitselfthemselves and is capable of demonstratingcan demonstrate many miracles.

Students who seem are influenced innately seem to achieve easiness in mathematics . (I can't really understand this sentence.)
Students often find it tough to deal with mathematics.
Mostly,the girls referregard it as a male dominant subject.And actually,it is.

Mathematics is a language entirely different from the spoken languages like English or Latin that are used to express one' s feelings.Rather it is factual(?) and it possesses its own beauty.T: t he supreme beauty of accuracy and results.

Scholars hardly find Mathematics as easy and simple subject to rely on .

But the thing itthat is totally wrong.

Actually,everything that exists is Mathematics. R, r anging from the carrying capacities of the earth to the height of the Everest or to the depth of the Mariana Trench orto to the hotness of Kalahari,everything is Mathematics .Mathematics is the base of Science.Internet, robots, network protocols.eE verything werewas the outcome of Mathematics.

So we can judge ourselves.(ourselves?)

Mathematics is challenging though,the students who are capable of understanding the power of numbers can turn out their relations with this subject very very well. (wordy and it's hard for readers to understand.)
shuto   
Nov 2, 2015
Undergraduate / Keep Moving Forward - my coach words encouraged me. Common Application Essay Prompt 2 [2]

The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience? (250-650 words)

I'm a prospective international student from Japan. Please proofread my essay and give me some feedback. There might be a lot of errors because English is not my first language.

----------

"Just relax...", I exhaled with my eyes fixed on the hurdles. I could hear my heart beating faster than ever. My hands kept shivering. I couldn't tell if it was from fear or from the insanely cold New England weather (or may be both).

"On your mark! Set...", I put my feet on my favorite starting blocks adjusted perfectly for my position.

Sound waves from a starting pistol reached my eardrums.

With my explosive block start, I was the top runner.

Then, at the second hurdle, I stumbled. I saw a cold blue ground of the track coming close to my face.

I fell... at the last championship. That was my last chance to be qualified for the State Championship.
But I swore to myself, standing up, "I will never ever give up what I started!" I started sprinting again. I was the very last runner to step the goal line. It was at that moment that I had noticed that I awfully failed. It was a very regretful experience, but at the same time, I felt so proud of myself.

Before I left to Connecticut from Tokyo for about eleven months in my junior year, I had made my mind to try anything new to me during the exchange program. I ate pepperoni pizza watching the Super Bowl rooting for New England Patriots, went to Christian church singing gospel music with my host family, and danced with my friends at Home Coming, which doesn't exist in Japan. I really enjoyed the life there. English barely interfered with communication No failures... before I joined the Varsity Track and Field team.

Truth be told, I had never really failed before I started hurdling because I had chosen as safe and stable paths as possible in my life. So I hadn't really neither achieved anything great nor desperately failed. Then I realized that I was one of many "smart" Japanese students who pursue stable careers, avoiding risky paths. That's one of the reasons why I decided to take a risk for the first time in my life even though I was the only one who chose to study abroad among other nine hundred students in my high school. I didn't want to be "one of them" and I thought this huge risk-taking in my life would change me somehow.

When I first tried hurdles, however, I thought I was never going to make it because the height for the boys' hurdles was above my hips. I made excuses and limited myself. I was so scared that I couldn't even take a first step.

("Have I been changed since I came here?")

Then my coach said, "Shuto, it's natural to be afraid of hurdles, but remember, better hurdlers have stumbled and fallen a lot. That's how they get better because they know how to stand up from miserable situations. You gotta keep moving forward!" His words encouraged me and I finally could managed to take the first step and get over the first hurdle. At that moment, I was released from tensions, which had pulled me not to fail, as I "felt" the sense that I thought I "knew" that I would overcome nothing without making mistakes.

After many practices (and falls), the CREC Athletic Championship took place. I can't say I do not regret the result, but I'm certain that I learned more than hurdling. From this experience, I learned the importance of keeping moving forward. Since then, I always try to take action as soon as I can because time doesn't wait for me to stop and think about what I do next. And now I feel that going to a college in the country that changed my life is the right choice for me. No matter what happens in our lives, we should not stop. As my coach says, "Stop stopping!!"

----------

(649 words)

Thank you for reading! Do you think my essay is unique?
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳