Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by summer222
Name: Jessica Luo
Joined: Oct 25, 2015
Last Post: Oct 28, 2015
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 9
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
summer222   
Oct 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Intellectually-rich culture and traditions such as the Scav Hunt - Why UChicago Essay [6]

Following your advice, I made a lot of changes in the essay. Here is the revised version :

Throughout my life, I have always been attracted to adventure. The thought of exploring new places entices me because every place has special qualities waiting to be discovered. The wanderlust I feel has been translated from intellectual adventure which itself stemmed from my childhood. This want for knowledge stems from being intellectually oppressed as a child because growing up, I was taught to believe that what my elders believed is the absolute truth. Challenging their ideas equated to challenging their authority which, in a traditional Chinese family, is taboo. I should not ask questions and should not explore my curiosity.

However, as I grew older, I was attracted to knowledge. Being restrained suffocated me and I had so many questions to ask. At the University of Chicago, I hope to find that oppressed child and to free her so she could explore gardens of knowledge which she never got a chance to. I do not want to limit myself to one subject of study. Rather, I want to gain as much knowledge from all fields of humanities and science. University of Chicago's renowned Core curriculum serves as the perfect platform for me to explore and satisfy my thirst for knowledge. It is also interdisciplinary which offers me not just one or two aspects of a subject, but a multitude. In addition to supplying knowledge, the Core curriculum presents how subjects which seemed worlds apart can interact and relate with one another.

One particular program that interests me is the biological sciences program which encompasses the studies of immunology, cancer biology and even genetics. I am drawn to these fields, particularly immunology, because I am fascinated by the human body and its ability to constantly protect itself despite being exposed everyday to harmful chemicals and microbes.. The University of Chicago has many resources, including the Argonne National Laboratory which conducts extensive research on topics ranging from biology to physics. I can participate in studies about the human body and possibly make contributions which help humankind.

I am also interested in learning more about the world and its cultures. The East Asian Languages and Civilizations program immediately grabs my attention because it offers me a connection to my cultural roots. Even though I was born in China, I grew up in the United States and, as a result, know close to nothing about my culture. Even though I have grown up an American, I am still of Chinese descent. My heritage will always be part of my identity. Instead of relinquishing that part of me as I grow older, I want to learn more about it so I become more aware of who I am when I am older. I am not just American nor am I just Chinese, I am both and I don't want to forge either part of me. However, I don't want to limit myself to studying one culture. I want to branch out and study the traditions many civilizations. All these countries have such unique cultures and it's fascinating to learn about it and how they differ from the ones I know. The University at Chicago not only gives me the opportunity to study at Beijing, but also in other countries such as France and India, thus fulfilling my desire to travel and immerse myself into the customs of different cultures.

The school motto, "Let knowledge grow from more to more; and so be human life enriched" is telling of the values of the University of Chicago. Here, I will be able to let my curiosity guide me to where I want to go and to fully delve into the large pools of knowledge the school has to offer. I know that at the school, no matter which direction I decide to go towards, it will be strongly fortified by the Core curriculum and I will be able to tailor my studies to what I want to learn. The University of Chicago is exceptional in both the humanities and the sciences, Here, I know I will be able to immerse myself in whichever field I want to study in.
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Emerson College/ Attraction to Major/ Marketing Communications - Public Relations [2]

Great comparison with the puppeteer! However, as a publicist, I think using the word control sounds a little sinister. I'm not sure if I am interpreting the prompt correctly, but it asks which major you would like to choose, but you did not include a major.

When choosing a career, I knew it would be one that did this.

You mentioned the word perfect quite a few times and in a 200 word essay, it sounds a bit repetitive. You can try another adjective, maybe impeccable, best?
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Invent a Past for a Present - UChicago Supplement [7]

Thanks for the advice! I made some edits to it, and hopefully, the essay flows better. I added s small paragraph to the end, but I'm not sure if it is too cliche. The red highlights mean that I added those words. I also want to cut the essay down a bit because I don't want to burden the admissions officer too much. Any suggestions on that?

I place my latte back on the table as I continue to type furiously on my laptop. Suddenly, a notification pops up: You have 2% battery left. The dusty book comes tumbling out of my backpack as I reach for my laptop charger in haste. The neon green and yellow Post- Its sticking from the book look out of place with the rest of the murky, yellow pages and the faded black cover. I pick up the book and turn it to the front cover. And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie is printed in bold white letters on the page. The top right corner of the book cover is missing. I chuckle lightly when I remembered I had accidentally torn the top corner off the day I received it. The day I got the white elephant Secret Santa present from my friend Lizzie, my parents were in their biggest argument of the year. I grabbed the book in haste to rush to my room, tearing the corner where I had picked it up. Sobbing hopelessly, I opened the now torn cover and began to read the story and soon I became engrossed in it. The book shrouded me from their fights and provided somewhere safe that I could go. My parents' screams could not reach me when I was in the pages of the book. I always wonder why Lizzie decided to give me the book and if she ever knew how much it had helped me. Later on, I found out that the book once belonged to Lizzie's grandmother, Elizabeth , when she was a little girl.

Elizabeth Patricia James just turned 12 and received a book for her birthday. Elizabeth understood that it was hard for her father to get his hands on anything, so the book must have taken him weeks to get. But still, she had wished it was a new dress. With a sigh, she picked the book up and looked at its cover. The smooth black cover still had a sheen to it and the pages were crisped. And that's when the loud siren rang, echoing through the entire neighborhood. Like the drills, she ran to her backyard and saw her mother standing in front of a large rectangular box waving frantically for her to go inside. Before she had both her feet inside the bunker, she heard the first boom. The impact made Elizabeth squeal in shock. This was the first time she had heard the bombs so close to home. Only now did Elizabeth realize she was still holding onto her book. The booms were continuous, and occasionally, she felt the ground shake when the bomb had hit closer to home. She was petrified every time the ground shook because she didn't know if her beloved home made it. Having nothing else to do, Elizabeth decided to read the book to take her mind off the bombs.

Her mother told her to go back inside, and Elizabeth looked up in shock. She had forgotten that she was in a bunker and she didn't even notice the bombs had stopped. Somehow, the book made the Elizabeth forget all her troubles. Each twist and turn in the plot had her so engaged that she had completely forgotten the warfare outside her house. Each time the bombings came, Elizabeth made sure she had the book in her hand before handing to the bunker. Everywhere she went, the book went with her. Her childhood, once desolate by bombings and warfare, was cured by a single book. By 1945, when Winston Churchill announced the end of the war, she could tell you all the characteristics of each character and their fates.

But , as Elizabeth grew up, the book in her heart slowly faded away. Now 30, Elizabeth was packing to leave her husband. The name calling early on in their marriage had become shoving and pushing which now escalated to a full scale beating. She grabbed her suitcase and the dusty black book fell down. And Then There Were None. Memories flashed through her head as she remembered her childhood, raged by warfare and her escape from it, through this book. The book's pages were yellowed and the once shiny cover was now dull. Might as well bring it with me, she thought. I have no other personal possessions. On the way to the airport, Elizabeth quickly flipped through the pages of the book in order to take her mind off her husband. Names and phrases jumped at her as she vaguely remembered parts of the book. Just like years ago, her angst subsided as she became entranced by the plot. The intricate twists and turns of the book took her mind off her abusive soon to be ex-husband and gave her solace. She prepared to start her new life in New York where her husband couldn't touch her. Elizabeth smiled as she stepped into the John F. Kennedy airport. She made it through World War II with the book. Now, she could make it here too, in the city of New York because she has the book with her. She knew everything will be alright from here on.

Elizabeth "Lizzie" Smith, named after her grandmother , decided to give the book away. After all, her friend needed it more than she does. From her grandmother's stories of her childhood, Lizzie knew the book was special. It was her grandmother's anchor; it kept her strong all these years even through her childhood and her abusive first marriage. The book was no longer just a book. It was a symbol, a symbol of strength, hope and resilience. In her family, the book meant that everything could be, will be better. Lizzie wanted to let her friend know that things will be better, just like for her grandmother. She wanted to share the spirit of strength and prospect that the situation will improve despite the fights. Lizzie knew her grandmother, Elizabeth , would be proud of her for doing so.

Smiling, I carefully place the book back into my bag. After all it has been through, it needs to be treated with care. Even though I can leave the book at home, I prefer to carry it with me to remind myself that even if the present seems dark, the future is always bright. Maybe one day, I can pass the book on to someone who needs it too.
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Her face looks funny... Common App essay prompt 1 [5]

I really like how you set up the scene wit your grandmother and the kitchen. It is really vivid imagery.

Yes, I was a young child. Yes, I had an endless passion for knowledge. , with an endless passion for knowledge.

You mentioned that one of the life lessons that you learned was communication, but you only slightly touched upon it. I think you can expand more of what you learned that day and how those life lessons lead you to the path of medicine.
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Attracted to mathematics - U Michigan essay emergency (need more words) [4]

I really like your first paragraph of connecting mathematics to the real world. To lengthen your essay, you can add more specifics about the college. The LSA isn't the only college with a top nationally ranked math department. Why is it UMich specifically the one you want to go to?

The variety of subjects offer College (like what?)

I hope to use the resources from the Undergraduate Research Opportunity Program (what type of resources?)

You use the words various and variety a lot throughout your essay and I think adding more specific details will enhance your essay overall.
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Scholarship / ESSAY - The universities I selected are intrinsically connected to my past experiences [4]

I think you are very specific in your examples for each of the universities that you have selected. I like how you connect it back to Brazil because to me, it shows that you really want to make a difference.

I think you can relate more of your past experiences and I think a concluding paragraph will wrap up your essay nicely. It seems abrupt to end your essay the way it is.
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Invent a Past for a Present - UChicago Supplement [7]

Prompt: Unusual presents, accidental presents, metaphorical presents, re-gifted presents, etc. - pick any present you have ever received and invent a past for it.

I place my latte back on the table as I continue to type furiously on my laptop. Suddenly, a notification pops up: You have 2% battery left. The dusty book comes tumbling out of my backpack as I reach for my laptop charger in haste. The neon green and yellow Post- Its sticking from the book look out of place with the rest of the murky, yellow pages and the faded black cover. I pick up the book and turn it to the front cover. The top and bottom right corners of the book cover is missing. And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie is printed in bold white letters on the page. I received it back in seventh grade as a white elephant Secret Santa present during the year my parents were in the worst of their arguments. The book shrouded me from their fights and provided somewhere safe that I could go. My parents' screams could not reach me when I was in the pages of the book. The book once belonged to Lizzie's grandmother, when she was a little girl. I always wonder why Lizzie decided to give me the book and if she ever knew how much it had helped me

Elizabeth Patricia James just turned 12 and received a book for her birthday. Elizabeth understood that it was hard for her father to get his hands on anything, so the book must have taken him weeks to get. But still, she had wished it was a new dress. With a sigh, she picked the book up and looked at its cover. The smooth black cover still had a sheen to it and the pages were crisped. And that's when the loud siren rang, echoing through the entire neighborhood. Like the drills, she ran to her backyard and saw her mother standing in front of a large rectangular box waving frantically for her to go inside. Before she had both her feet inside the bunker, she heard the first boom. The impact made Elizabeth squeal in shock. This was the first time she had heard the bombs so close to home. Only now did Elizabeth realize she was still holding onto her book. The booms were continuous, and occasionally, she felt the ground shake when the bomb had hit closer to home. She was petrified every time the ground shook because she didn't know if her beloved home made it. Having nothing else to do, Elizabeth decided to read the book to take her mind off the bombs.

Her mother told her to go back inside, and Elizabeth looked up in shock. She had forgotten that she was in a bunker and she didn't even notice the bombs had stopped. Somehow, the book made the Elizabeth forget all her troubles. Each twist and turn in the plot had her so engaged that she had completely forgotten the warfare outside her house. Each time the bombings came, Elizabeth made sure she had the book in her hand before handing to the bunker. Everywhere she went, the book went with her. Her childhood, once desolate by bombings and warfare, was cured by a single book. By 1945, when Winston Churchill announced the end of the war, she could tell you all the characteristics of each character and their fates.

As Elizabeth grew up, the book in her heart slowly faded away. Now 30, Elizabeth was packing to leave her husband. The name calling early on in their marriage had become shoving and pushing which now escalated to a full scale beating. She grabbed her suitcase and the dusty black book fell down. And Then There Were None. Memories flashed through her head as she remembered her childhood, raged by warfare and her escape from it, through this book. The book's pages were yellowed and the once shiny cover was now dull. Might as well bring it with me, she thought. I have no other personal possessions. On the way to the airport, Elizabeth quickly flipped through the pages of the book in order to take her mind off her husband. Names and phrases jumped at her as she vaguely remembered parts of the book. Just like years ago, her angst subsided as she became entranced by the plot. The intricate twists and turns of the book took her mind off her abusive soon to be ex-husband and gave her solace. Elizabeth smiled as she stepped into the John F. Kennedy airport. She made it through World War II with the book. Now, she could make it here too, in the city of New York because she has the book with her. The title was right. And Then There Were None. There were no more fear, sadness and doubt in her heart, none. She knew everything will be alright from here on.

Elizabeth "Lizzie" Smith decided to give the book away. After all, her friend needed it more than she does. From her grandmother's stories of her childhood, Lizzie knew the book was special. It was her grandmother's anchor; it kept her strong all these years even through her childhood and her abusive first marriage. The book was no longer just a book. It was a symbol, a symbol of strength, hope and resilience. In her family, the book meant that everything could be, will be better. Lizzie wanted to let her friend know that things will be better, just like for her grandmother. She wanted to share the spirit of strength and prospect that the situation will improve despite the fights. Lizzie knew her grandmother, Elizabeth, would be proud of her for doing so.
summer222   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / The Magician's Apprentice; The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success [3]

I really like your metaphors and your essay showcases a lot of your personality. I don't think you need to include that you were ranked third in your essay because it makes you sound pompous.

"Ahnaf! Ome's here!" used to scream my mom my mom screamed every other afternoon.

I barely could could barely understand one chapter.

He was after all.. the math magician and I was his apprentice.

The second sentence of your last paragraph sounds awkward. I am confused as to whether your average is a 74 because of your 100 or you worked from the 74 to 100.
summer222   
Oct 25, 2015
Undergraduate / Intellectually-rich culture and traditions such as the Scav Hunt - Why UChicago Essay [6]

Hi this is my draft of the why uchicago essay. It will be great if I can receive some feedback!

Prompt: How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

Throughout my life, I have always been attracted to adventure. The thought of exploring new places and discovering something I never knew entices me. I longed to travel, but not just to the typical big cities of the world. I want to visit the small towns and villages where the cultures of those people are truly preserved and not stained by globalization. The attraction for physical adventure has translated into intellectual adventure as well. I enjoy challenging existing ideas and to look at things at different angles. The want to challenge beliefs stems from being intellectually oppressed as a child. Growing up, I was taught to keep my mouth shut, speak only when spoken to and to never voice my opinion. What my elders believe is what I should believe and I must never question that.

Now, I want to challenge those beliefs and to learn to think for myself. For three years, I have worked at three different summer camps with elementary school children. To me, children are the ones who are the innovative thinkers. They are young enough to imagine and to believe in the impossible. Children are the ones who are able to always find another way, another angle of looking at something. This is something I want to achieve, or to regain. At the University of Chicago, I hope to find my inner child, to enhance my ability to think creatively. Even from the supplemental essay questions, I can see that this university values both critical and creative thinking. The essay prompts seem a bit strange, but are very thought provoking and requires imagination to write. I have not seen any other schools with supplements which require me to think at such a high level.

In addition, my love for adventure has translated into my love for learning. It isn't until junior year of high school that I realized I enjoyed both the sciences and the arts. I have grown up in a tunnel vision in which I only focused on the sciences. However, I recently discover I enjoyed history as much as I enjoyed science. Because of the expansion of my interests, the renowned Core curriculum serves as the perfect platform for me to explore my options. The Core curriculum is often interdisciplinary so it offers me not just one or two perspectives, but a multitude. I know that at the University of Chicago, no matter which direction I decide to go into, it will be strongly fortified by the core curriculum. Because the University of Chicago is capable in both the humanities and the sciences, I know I will be able to immerse myself in whichever field I will study in.

The University of Chicago itself is located in such a diverse city which taps into my desire to absorb a different culture. Chicago has a rich history of being an industrious city and one of the most urban cities in the US. The university itself also has a rich history and traditions such as the Scav Hunt. The sense of community it emulates satisfies my want of belonging. I want to fit in a community that is not only rich in culture, but also rich in intellectual thought. The University of Chicago is the perfect combination of the two.
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳