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Posts by danbrespadkit
Name: dBres
Joined: Oct 25, 2015
Last Post: Dec 5, 2015
Threads: 3
Posts: 5  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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danbrespadkit   
Dec 5, 2015
Undergraduate / 'a jigsaw puzzle' - Common Application - first question choice [3]

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

If you have any title suggestion, please feel free to comment it.

A few months ago I was completing a jigsaw puzzle with my mother. She said, pointing at a piece with four tabs, "Look, this one's easy to place in the puzzle. It's a very usual piece." Her comment baffled me. I told her "I don't think it will be easier. I think the weird-looking pieces are the ones that stick out from the pile, making them easier to find and place in their appropriate places." She giggled and said "Of course you do. You're my unique piece. You're right, that makes more sense." I smiled as I realized with utter clarity, probably for the first time, the purpose of my innate weirdness.

I have been called weird my entire life. When I was younger, I would consider being weird a negative quality, but I have learned that I cannot change that part of myself, so I might as well embrace it. I am the type of person that carries a Rubik's cube everywhere-even to parties-, that wears "I heart Elephant" socks to school, and says random fun facts and puns. I also carry a plush elephant key chain that I have named Effie the ephalent (yes, ephalent, not elephant) and I have memorized almost every line to the movie Frozen. By eighth grade I had already learned bone and organ anatomy as well as symptoms, treatments, and causes of some diseases (in eighth grade, I was actually able to provide two correct diagnoses to a friend). My friends would tease me because I had more medical apps than entertainment apps on my phone.

Until only recently, my friends would roll their eyes at me as I told them that "a bolt of lightning is five times hotter than the surface of the Sun". Now they come to me for fun facts and additional information about the topic and material of their projects, homework, exams, and curiosities. Actually, a few days ago, after hearing about the Paris terrorist attack, a friend came to me to ask me about ISIS and its history. I told her a summary about what I knew about ISIS and suggested a short explanatory video that I had seen a few days prior. We also researched together a bit more on the topic. My friends still roll their eyes at me occasionally and say the usual "Gosh Dani, you're so strange" to which I respond with the usual laugh and "Don't be boorish. I take up space and have mass. I matter."

Being weird is an essential part of who I am and I do not carry this quality with its commonly negative connotation; I rather carry it with pride. I am one of the strangely looking pieces of the pile of jigsaw pieces and am aware that there are other strangely looking pieces that a take part in the puzzle. I have now come to understand that even the weirdest piece has its own place in the puzzle, that I have my own place and purpose in this world. But now I'm just getting too sentimental and blah so I'll end with this somewhat unrelated quote said by the energetic, awkward and optimistic Princess Anna of Arendelle: "Do you want to build a snowman?"

Also, it would be very helpful if you could include your opinion of the type of person you can get out of this essay.
Thank you!!
danbrespadkit   
Dec 5, 2015
Undergraduate / "Ok let's go!" - Yale essay: reflect on personal interests, experience [5]

Jasmine, your revision is definitely an imprivement from your original essay. However, I think there are still some places that are a bit confusing.
I knew that I was probably (knew and probably seem contradictory. You were either the newest skater or you weren't. Write like you're sure of what you're writing. If not you could write "I was one of the newest skaters...") the newest skater but had that I'll be able to keep up with the crowd. (I can't really understand what you meant here).

watched everyone disappeared

Your essay in general is good. between the two conclusions you gave, I would go with the first one. Good luck with your application!
danbrespadkit   
Dec 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / The hardest dilemma about which choice we should take - SAT essay [2]

I would change the following parts:
Cofound isn't used correctly. Here's an example from dictionary.com: The complicated directions confounded him. I also don't think it is the verb you're looking for. Don't use big words if you don't use them often. It is better to write an essay with correctly used medium-level vocabulary than an essay with incorrectly used high-level vocabulary. (When I took the SAT, I used overall medium-level vocabulary and got a 10).

And to me, the two options that are the most difficult to choose between is to purchase perfection orand accepting who we are.
hide our mistakes and imperfections . We can lose ourselfves
This paragraph (No one is perfect...) needs clarification. What are you trying to say? Try rephrasing it and deepening your thought. Elaborate more on your idea.

The third paragraph needs work on grammar and clarity. Remember that the reader is not in your head and will understand only what you are writing. The last sentence of this paragraph doesn't quite make sense.

In the last part, which I'm guessing would be your conclusion, try making it a bit longer. (doesn't have to be five sentences, but two or three more will make it a stronger conclusion). What is your opinion?

Overall: Try to deepen you idea more. You're being too superficial. Make a little outline before writing your essay as I have found that to help (it shouldn't take more than two minutes. What examples can you use to support your answer? (the Pride and Prejudice example is good, though it could use some clarification). You should have at least two different supporting examples or one big one in which you can elaborate a lot. Remember what I said about vocabulary and don't be afraid to emit an opinion in these essays.

I would give it an overall score of 5.
danbrespadkit   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / The Socks and Uniform - VA Quirks Essay [5]

Thank you Louisa for your feedback. Could you (or anybody) revise this one?

I wouldn't be a good poker player. I dominate the poker face, but take one look at what I'm doing with my hands and watch as I transform into transparent matter. My hands are my emotional messengers that carry my most intimate information to the outside world.

If encountered with a suspenseful situation, or whenever I watch an action movie, I will gently bite my nails or the middle knuckle of my index finger. I will crack my knuckles if I am relaxed and place my left ring finger as far as possible between the index finger and thumb of my left hand if I am calmly thinking. If I have to study for a big test, do a project, etc., I must compulsively fix my nails in a methodical manner: remove the cuticle, apply two coats of nail polish, and meticulously clean my nails' edges. Whenever my mind decides to act as if it had twenty cups of coffee and fills my mind with rushing thoughts, I start doing something crafty, like sculpting small elderly heads out of "Play-Doh", completing a Rubik's cube or doing origami. If I am nervous or anxious, I'll grab my lower lip and alternately and rapidly tap my index and middle fingers on a surface. Lastly, if I am happy, I will open and close my hands slowly.

My need to constantly entertain my hands is essential to my identity. If I'm not twirling my rings, I'll be playing the piano or braiding somebody's hair. I will always be expressing myself, whether I want to or not, through my hands.
danbrespadkit   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / GTown Acitvities Essay- Summer Shadowing [2]

In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved. 500 words.

When I entered an operation room for the first time two summers ago, I saw the fireworks you hear about in movies when soul mates have their first kiss. My heartbeat raised to a point of a questionable heart attack. Every single neuron in my body experienced an explosion of adrenaline and dopamine that originated at my spine and rushed towards my extremities. My smile showed every single tooth in my mouth, but, thankfully, I had a light blue face mask that concealed my creepy smile so as to not scare the other doctors and nurses away. It was that day that I was able to enter the world of a surgeon and that precise moment that I knew that I belong in an operation room. (how can I fix this last sentence, it seems awkward but I don't know how to fix it)

I prepared myself mentally and through research for the first operation I had ever seen: a face-off brow lift. It was performed by Dr. Sandy González, a plastic surgeon whom I admire for his meticulous and awe-inspiring art work in the operation room. His surgeries are not merely for aesthetic purposes; they have, in my opinion, the most emotionally impactful results out of any other type of surgery (I also watched surgeries in other specialties and plastic surgery is the one with the most emotional impact on its patients).

With Dr. Gonzalez I observed a few more than forty surgeries. I have also observed clinical work and assisted in some minor procedures. Despite the length of the surgeries, whether it be forty five minutes or ten hours, I would stand in the operation room excited to observe every step Dr. Gonzalez took and answer the "quiz" questions he would ask me.

I not only watched the surgeries, but I also got the opportunity to interact with the patients at Dr. Gonzalez's practice before and after their surgeries. One breast cancer survivor who had undergone a mastectomy (the surgical removal of a breast) and breast reconstruction two years ago narrated with joyful tears in her eyes about how, despite going through all the "bad parts" and losing *a lot* physically, emotionally, and abstractly (i.e. healthy time), thanks to Dr. Gonzalez she can now have the self-confidence she thought she would never gain back.

It is because of experiences like the ones each patient told me and because of admirable surgeons like Dr. Gonzalez that I wish to become an exceptional surgeon and allow more people to feel the satisfaction and happiness Dr. Gonzalez's patients feel.
danbrespadkit   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / Undergraduate Application - Why essay for Duke Trinity College of Arts and Sciences [5]

Your first paragraph is very good because you address specific things about Duke. You start in a "straight to the point" fashion that attracts the reader. Your second paragraph, however, seems weaker. What you are trying to convey is unclear. That second sentence's structure is not coherent. Try rephrasing and connect that second paragraph back to Duke. How will Duke provide you the type of friendship you look for?How will it foster those friendships? Also, rephrase the last sentence for coherence and clarity.
danbrespadkit   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / My Response for Gtown Essay on activities [4]

I can see what you're trying to convey, but I think your ideas are a bit all over the placed. Try grouping similar ideas together and disposing of sentences that can distract the read from your point (e.g. Without leadership, systems [...]. If it is important to you to mention this, try incorporating the point another way.) Also, some sentences seem a bit unclear and awkward, like "As an orphan adult, contact can be sparse[...]." Try re-structuring the sentence to make it seem more coherent. Check the sentence "Within the first few week I had connected with [...] feeling less ill at ease." I'm guessing you wanted to say either "less ill" or "more at ease". Your middle paragraph is good in general since you explain specifically what you learned. The introduction, however, needs more unity in the ideas (probably omit the part about the subway). In the last paragraph, try to rephrase the second sentence since "on the surface" and "superficial" are redundant and the structure seems awkward. The last sentence has some subject-verb and structural issues as well. Try giving it another go and remember that the reader is not in your head (don't worry, I have this problem too). Good luck!
danbrespadkit   
Oct 25, 2015
Undergraduate / The Socks and Uniform - VA Quirks Essay [5]

My school's uniform consists of a white (light blue if you're a senior) short-sleeve oxford shirt, a dark cerulean blue jumper with my school's insignia on the left side about four fingers below the clavicle, black school shoes, and white crew socks. My version of my school uniform, however, consists of the oxford shirt, the blue jumper, the black school shoes, and the most awesome, colorful, design-filled crew socks.

This summer I entered a heavenly sock store, where I bought three pairs of socks that changed how I would live thereon after. Okay, maybe not "live", but at the very least, they would alter how I would dress. One pair has a white background and differently sized brown and gray elephants placed randomly around them. The best part: on the foot's arc area you can find facts about elephants. Another pair is black with multiple Albert Einstein faces placed around the socks. Albert Einstein's hair varies between yellow, purple, and green. The third pair has palm trees, rainforest plants and a red psittacidae parrot.

The socks I wear with my uniform help me gain an identity, and confidence, within the boundaries of my school's regulations, which is why I have suggested to my principal to extend wearing quirky accessories once a month to the rest of the student body. I show my interests and personality through the socks I wear. I am obsessed with elephants and love science. As for the third pair, well, the parrot seemed pretty cool.
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