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Posts by eber2016
Name: Elani Elizondo
Joined: Dec 27, 2015		 Last Post: Jan 2, 2016
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  
From: Puerto Rico
School: Colegio Marista

Displayed posts: 9
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eber2016   
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / 'to have our voices heard' - Brown supplement about existing within a community or group [5]

FEEL FREE TO MASSACRE MY ESSAY, THANKS :)

We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. (100 word limit)

One same goal brought an extraordinary group of people together: to have our voices heard. Model United Nations is where I can pursue innovative solutions to world problems by challenging and supporting other delegates. We take sides, we destroy alliances, we make coalitions; but to work efficiently and agree on resolution, a balance between teamwork and leadership is necessary. Given the opportunity to express my ideas and let my opinion be heard, I grew more confident and became a better leader. I can truthfully say Model UN is much more than just debate, it is understanding that reason doesn't shout, it convinces. 102/100
eber2016   
Dec 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Longevity brings many drawbacks; nevertheless, it still benefits young people -IELTS life expectancy [2]

I fixed some grammatical errors below. You need to revise this essay again COMPLETELY. It's not even near finished, good luck. By the way, i stopped color coding the corrections so keep on reading to see the changes i made.

Recently, improving of health care gives more benefits for humans to live longer and increase their life expectancy. Some people believe that living longer give many benefits rather than it advantages may benefit them more rather than disadvantages. I strongly believe that living longer give many has countless dire effects.

Nonetheless, Many people argue that increasing old people in one country brings can cause some trouble. The main factor is overpopulation;in one country because of longevity of old people. longevity in elderly citizen aids overpopulation. There are some drawbacks of life's duration of old people, longevity in elderly citizens such as social and financial aspects. Firstly, old people elderly people who live longer can become a burden to society, old people who enable to do their daily routine need help of some people in their surrounding. are unable to follow their daily routines often need help of others. In addition, people who live longer must be funded by our government due to because they are not productive anymore to work cannot work anymore. Furthermore, the rate of getting a disease like dementia disesase increases, and that cannot be treated with modern technology.

On the other hand, the longevity can increase the time elderly people spend with their families. Otherwise, young people arewould not be able to know their grandfathers or grandmothers . This can allow elderly people to share a lot of about their experiences in preceding years so that young people can learn from their past generation. For example, when taking decisions, young people must think about the consequences that they can face next. In my opinion, young people interacting with elderly people can increase their self-awareness.

In conclusion, even though longevity brings many drawbacks, the extended life of elderly people still can give contribution for young people. In my opinion,Young people should care about old people to improve their self-awareness in their social life.
eber2016   
Dec 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Places where I have lived? / existing within a community? BROWN SUPPLEMENTS [4]

Here are two supplements for Brown University. PLEASE READ THEM, CORRECT THEM, AND MASSACRE THEM IF NEEDED. Thank You (;

Tell us where you have lived - and for how long - since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places. (100 word limit)

I must admit that living in Puerto Rico for 17 years may sound boring; but at the same time, it has given me the opportunity to grow surrounded by people from other cultures such as: Venezuelans, Colombians, Chileans, and Cubans, among others. My home has become a melting pot for other cultures that integrates their differences into our society. Living in PR has brought diversity into my life; it has taught me to value the difference in people and provided me with a wider understanding of the in. 93/100

We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. (100 word limit)

Whenever I see a problem, am inducted into a community of free thinkers, of dreamers, of doers. The engineering side of my immediately is let free to roam and think about the best way to fix this problem. That's what engineering is, finding extraordinary ways of solving problems and never accepting they cannot be improved. Within the engineering community, there exists no "I". We share our stories of failed tries and look for ways to make it better; whenever I need help in a project, I ask for I am not afraid to ask questions in order to learn. I am extremely proud to be a part of a group of individuals that supports each other so together, we can meet future challenges with innovation. 125/100
eber2016   
Dec 27, 2015
Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Expand on your final statement and let them know how deep and intense is the passion that drives you to cure world Hunger and disease. Other than that, you sound very knowledgeable in this subject, just add the corrections previously made and you have a great application essay!
eber2016   
Dec 27, 2015
Undergraduate / At Colgate we strive to foster an inclusive community; supplement 250 words or less common app essay [7]

Your essay answers the question, yes, but I think you could do better. Instead of talking so much about the specifics of the debate and the situation with the evidence, you can talk more about how being a Berber defined your character which ultimately defined all that you do. Then I suggest you talk more about what you are bringing to the Colgate community. Not only your values, but who you will be at the Colgate community: a leader, a dreamer, a worker. Remind Colgate that they will be getting all of those things with the values you have because, you are not just your values; your values just make YOU better which is why you are a great addition to the Colgate community.
eber2016   
Dec 27, 2015
Undergraduate / All my life I have been taught to ask why, to question, to explore - "WHY BROWN?" Supplement essay [5]

Louisa, I cannot thank you enough for your much needed feedback. I tried to integrate my diverse interest in order to justify why the brown curriculum would be so good for me. I don't known, however, if I succeeded in creating the personal connection you were previously talking about. Here is my revision, I hope you let me know if it improved (: THANKS AGAIN!!
eber2016   
Dec 27, 2015
Undergraduate / All my life I have been taught to ask why, to question, to explore - "WHY BROWN?" Supplement essay [5]

Why Brown? (word limit 100)

All my life I have been taught to ask why, to question, to explore; I find that Brown's open curriculum allows me to do just that. Brown gives me the freedom to choose the classes of my interest rather than making me conform to specific guidelines. This university focuses on giving self directed students as me the opportunity to choose the path less trodden. I know that Brown is a university that will encourage me to go beyond what is expected, to keep asking why, to keep questioning, to keep exploring so I can becomes my best version. (98/100)

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND CORRECT; I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR FEEDBACK :)
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