Essays / My impact on communities. Help me to understand the demand of the following supplemental essay . [9]

I hope this will help.

The topic conveys one message: The college has a deep connection with the local community and tries to make an influence.
It asks one question: How do you, personally, make an impact on the local or global community, which the college value.
Under one condition: Your education experience.

If you are going to answer this question, try to break it into serveral small questions like:

How's the college related to the local community?
What's the kind of influence the college wants to make?
What do I gain through my education?
What's the relationship between my education and the local, or the world?
If I was going to make a difference, how can my education experience help me? If it can't, why not?
...

In which sense, you can fully understand the true requirements of the essay and you can start to make some drafts.

Undergraduate / UIUC-Transfer Essay- Talk about your motivation and how will the university help fulfill your goals [4]

@Holt
Thank you so much. I accidently copy the daft about how I get involved with this major.
Here is the version I plan to post.
Take a look and give me some advice, if you would.

In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current university to Illinois and how your academic interests and professional goals will be fulfilled in your intent program of study.

I always thought being an engineer is one of my most important career goals. So, I started as an Environmental Engineering student and spent a significance time to work in an engineering company outside the class.

It's not long after I started my intern than I found that, their main product, a new generation of electronic propulsion vessels would be way much better if they could equip a sophisticated remote control system. I proposed it to my boss and was recommended to work with the computer apartment. It's the very first time I ever be able to really work on a coding program, which, was fabulous. It brings me to reconsider where my true interests lay. However, there's one obstacle. I was cultivated to be an engineering student and there's so much about this major I had to catch up on. My current university cannot satisfy my needs to get a sound grounding in this major as Chinese education system is not open for major changes.

Someone ever asked me whether I would hesitate as the costs for such a big changes was tremendous. Shaking my heads, I told him life is long and we could not just fix our eyes on what we lost, but what we could learn. It's without saying that UIUC offers a better opportunities for me to pursue my interests in this field, but also I rather enjoy the small city where people can share a closeness that we cannot hope to get in big city's stressful life rhyme. Pursuing a degree is never the solution, perhaps just give me a head start. However, after all, we all have to find somewhere to start when we decide to do something, either big or small.

Undergraduate / Just keep swimming - UVA prompt - a quote that inspires you and can inspire others [5]

Greetings, I happen to be reading your essay and just want to give some quick advice.

1. Reveal your theme in the first one or two sentences. As I read, it took me quite some time to "finally" find the sentence you are trying to talk about. Imagine your are the admission officer, and you have to read dozens of essays everyday. Wouldn't you expect to find the key sentence as quickly as possible?

2. Really think about the sentence you were trying to promote. As I read your essay, it clearly showed that you have a lot of thoughts regarding this sentence, but, what is the most important things about this sentence that made you so inspired?

3. Ask yourself this question: Is it the one that really inspire me?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - New theater in the neighborhood. Sugesstions? [6]

Greetings Joydoc,
I am sure it's for the independence writing of Toefl exam, right?

I can't help but notice your response is a little short. Normally, we will make 3 points to illustrate our opinion. However, if you have two very strong arguments, that will do. By the word strong, I mean you have to have examples to support your points.

You have included some details but it's not enough. Most importantly, your details must have more connections with your point. For example, you think it will take you less time to find entertainment, but you did not point out the direct connection.

What's more, if you do want to score a nice grade, you should try to avoid some simple sentences, Entertainment plays an important role in people's lives. Many people spend their free time in watching movies.

Good luck with the exam.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for transferring to UIUC as an undergraduate student withless than 300 words [7]

I have rewritten my essay, and with another version which is written by a counselor.
Would you please take a look and give me some feedback.
There's a thing that one of the reasons I want to put much more efforts in study is my parents' divorce, from which I realize that study is the simplest thing and it inspired me. Should I write about that experience too?

My version-

"Life is too short to be wasted on something against my wills". This was the first thought that came out of my mind after I finished my College Entrance Examination, and based on my life goals, I have decided to transfer to UIUC' s Physics department. Over the past two and a half years, I had tried to gain access to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering as much as possible by learning academic knowledge and extracurricular skills. What interest me most is using python or flash script to make video games, which encourages my interest on communicating with computers, and was extended to commanding a machine, or even, a robot. Aiming to design intelligent machines, I think it will be a great grounding to start with some physics education background.

Stuart Shapiro, the professor of physics and astronomy of UIUC, who has developed software to stimulate the gravitational waves-- ripples in space-time which was detected recently. The combinations of CS and Physics suit my need to develop intelligent and well-functioning machines, which makes me really excited. Furthermore, I am deeply impressed by innovative educational applications of UIUC such as iclikers. Besides, I will be able to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city because of the location of the university, and spare no effort to improve my academic performance.

With all that have been prepared, I have made up my mind to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and takes making ground-breaking inventions as my future goal. Shakespeare once wrote,:" There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy". I sincerely hope that I can get enrolled in UIUC and achieve my potential.

Counselor's version-

Over the past two and a half years, I gained exposure to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering through both course learning and extracurricular reading. Computer science first kindled my enthusiasm when I learned to create video games with a few lines of codes. Since then, I began to envisage the ways our world can be made better by advances in computer science. Excited by the unlimited possibilities opened up by digital technologies, I wish to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and makes ground-breaking inventions. Current successful technological advances mostly revolve around virtual aspects of human life, such as social network and Big Data analysis. But in the long run, new and automatic machines will be in greater need since they can connect us more directly to the physical world.

By transferring to UIUC, I believe I will have the necessary scholastic preparation for fulfilling my career ambition. I am deeply attracted by the academic excellence and innovative spirit of UIUC. Your faculty members are all distinguished scholars in various disciplines, ensuring high teaching quality in relevant courses. For instance, the recent confirmation of gravitational waves benefit from the software tools developed by UIUC professor, Stuart Shapiro, demonstrating UIUC's leadership role in propelling science and technology. Moreover, your undergraduate curriculum strike a perfect balance between depth and breadth, offering a wide spectrum of courses that meet my learning needs. I am also glad that UIUC has been pushing for adoption of educational technologies in enhancing students' learning experiences, as shown by your use of mobile APP, iclicker, for class discussion. Finally, UIUC's location appeals to me as I always look to study in a serene environment and a tight-knitted community.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for transferring to UIUC as an undergraduate student withless than 300 words [7]

I've rewritten my essay, Please take a look and give me some feedback.

Essay Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

Version 1:
"Life is too short to be wasted on something against my wills". This was the first thought came out of my mind after I finished my College Entrance Examination, and based on my life goals, I have decided to put in for a transfer to UIUC' s Physics department. Over the past two and a half years, I had tried to gain access to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering as much as possible by learning academic knowledge and extracurricular skills. What interest me most is using python or flash script to make video games, which encourages my interest on communicating with computers, and was extended to commanding a machine, or even, a robot. Aiming to design intelligent machines, I think it will be a great grounding to start with some physics education background.

Stuart Shapiro, the professor of physics and astronomy of UIUC, who has developed software to stimulate the gravitational waves-- ripples in space-time which was detected on Feb, 11, 2016. The combinations of CS and Physics suit my need to develop intelligent and well-functioning machines, which makes me really excited. Furthermore, I am deeply impressed by innovative educational applications of UIUC such as iclikers. Besides, I will be able to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city because of the nice location of the university, and spare no effort to improve my academic performance.

With all that have been prepared, I have made up my mind to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and takes making ground-breaking inventions as my future goal.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. I sincerely hope that I can get enrolled in UIUC and achieve my potential.

Version 2:
Over the past two and a half years, I gained exposure ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : what is the role of colours in trade world? and how? [4]

Hi Icha.
You have a point here and I think sometimes you don't have to use very difficult words to decorate your essay.For example,"that person is more potentiallikely to purchase the product.."

Pay attention to some details to be concise.
"This case can be seen as an example in most people's tendencies in buying yellow bananas instead of deep yellow bananas with black spots around of it as they think these colours show its freshness level and quality."

As it did in the case of most people's tendencies in buying bananas. They prefer yellow bananas instead of deep yellow bananas with black spots, as they think the colors indicate freshness and quality.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : opinion about an interview stage in selecting next employees [3]

1. However, I would argue that this step that aims atthe session which aims at

2. The interviewers frequentlyusually create subjective assessments to the interviewees which this is unable showing,which are unable to show the candidates' excellent practical skills.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for transferring to UIUC as an undergraduate student withless than 300 words [7]

Thanks for your feedback!

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for transferring to UIUC as an undergraduate student withless than 300 words [7]

Thanks for your advice and I have rewritten it.Please take a look! :)

"Life is too short to be wasted on something that against my wills". This was the first thought that ...