Rocky529440
Mar 1, 2016
Undergraduate / Always something to improve in China. Transfer Commonapp personal essays. [2]
---Withoutsecure drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures---Without reliable drinking water and other fundamental infrastructures,
--- thepoor living situation there surprised me.--the unfortunate living situation there surprised me.
---future majorin hope of learning about responsive government administration and making changes.----a hope or the hope
---I also participated inmodel UNs focusing-Model
---focusing on finding solutionstoward the social issues---focusing on finding solutions for/to the social issues
----I chosePublic administration in college--Public Administration
----Studyingin a university that had one of the best public administration departments in China,----Studying at a university, The word administration appears repeatedly in this text. Consider using a synonym in its place.---civil service or government
---- characteristic to have an insidelook to China's political system--look at
----I am notsatisfied to only learning----satisfied with
----Ireally enjoy the academic diversity in US campus.--- Do not overuse "Really"
----I hope to getmore general education--I hope to get the more general education.
----I am aware of the importance ofgeneral education,--public education
----which islacking of in my current school.---which is lacking in my
----I was aware of mydesire for a major with more general education.---desire to
----I am having a stronger desire for studyingin a campus---studying on a campus
---- The environment of thecampus plays an important role in education.---The environment of the school plays a significant role in education.
----However, it isclear that not all the social issues could be analyzed numerically.--evident, Make the sentence passive.
----I hope to havea change for the environment and for myself.--I hope to have change for the environment and myself.
----I could havechance to exchange ideas with them---I could have the chance to exchange ideas
---A free and open atmosphere in school will give mebroad perspective and inclusive and objective idea in the political science filed .----A free and open atmosphere in school will give me a broad perspective and overall and objective idea of the political science field.
----It sounds like somethingcliché, however , it is what I have been always hoping to do and making all efforts for it.--It sounds like something cliché. However, it is what I have always been hoping to do and making all efforts for it.
----Transferring to a new schoolin US and--- school in the US
----community service toreally devote myself to helping others--- service to devote myself
Essay is good.. But 780 words make it bad. It can quickly show your demonstration within 500 words. Just write less about china and your past activity. Good luck with your essay.
---Without
--- the
---future major
---I also participated in
---focusing on finding solutions
----I chose
----Studying
---- characteristic to have an inside
----I am not
----I
----I hope to get
----I am aware of the importance of
----which is
----I was aware of my
----I am having a stronger desire for studying
---- The environment of the
----However, it is
----I hope to have
----I could have
---A free and open atmosphere in school will give me
----It sounds like something
----Transferring to a new school
----community service to
Essay is good.. But 780 words make it bad. It can quickly show your demonstration within 500 words. Just write less about china and your past activity. Good luck with your essay.