Undergraduate / "Short term," "Five years," "Ten years," and "Thirty years." Undergraduate Transfer Essay [4]

Hello!

Any help would be greatly appreciated, but if you'd like to know what I'm specifically looking for, I am looking for suggestions regarding the flow of the essay, grammar, word choices, and the overall impact that you think the essay would have. Feel free to change anything you'd like if you feel that it would improve the essay. Thank you!

Note to moderators: I wanted to make this urgent thread, but I couldn't find the way to do that. Could you tell me the instructions for doing that? Click on the Urgent It! button in the top-right corner : )

I sat, slouching over an A4-sized white paper. I had been idling at the desk for fifteen minutes, twirling the pencil in my hand, tapping my foot, and staring at the emptiness of the paper. My mind was chanting magic spells at the paper, hoping that it would fill itself. It never did, just like the time I tried it exactly one year ago on my 15th birthday. Luckily, the first part was easy - draw a horizontal line to divide the paper into two long-halves, and then divide the line into three parts by marking four notches. In Korean, the notches were labeled: "Short term," "Five years," "Ten years," and "Thirty years."

Since I was a teenager, my father emphasized the essentiality of having a timeline of my future with the following main components: goals, dreams, and the tools I would need in order to achieve them. I adhered to these annual rituals just to fulfill the obligation, but without having discovered my passion, I only knew how to fill the timelines with frivolous wishes and platitudes: "Earn a lot of money," "Marry a beautiful wife," and "Find a nice job." Most of it was just a ritual that I used to take for granted, but it subconsciously influenced the choices I made and what I valued.

After graduating high school, I spent four years as a programmer at United Healthcare. I had chosen the career based on financial security and a fancy job title, thus making it worthy of a spot in my timeline. Despite its perks that most people would want, I rarely felt whole, and instead, I felt like a machine. What the heck was I missing?

One of the things I learned as I walked through the real world was the importance of education. Yearning for a new chance to fall in love with learning, I enrolled in a degree program at University of Massachusetts while working part-time. Having a new outlook and an inner desire to be enriched with knowledge enabled me to discover abilities within me that I never knew existed. This secret that naturally changed me from a "C-" high school student to an "A" college student was so tantalizing, that I applied such mindset to other aspects of life.

As I continually searched for meaningful existence beyond the society's standards, I researched and subjected myself to experience the intricacies of different fields. My unbound energy and curiosity may have taken the longer route against Sisyphean norms, but it's how I found my exact God-given purpose in the healthcare field and its related studies, and I wouldn't have chosen to do it any other way.

Something about my hard work directly transforming into other's happiness is more inherently rewarding to me than anything else. When we combine our soul with passion, humanity, and knowledge, it becomes one of the most realistic superpowers that exist in our universe, and it can defeat any obstacles getting in the way of doing the right things. It's the superpower that eventually made my magic spells paint vivid pictures of my future on the timeline, and I can clearly see myself cheerfully walking across New York University's campus, greeting the diversity of bright spirits and the stories that come from all walks of life, and fully embracing the environment where others come to find or feed their passion. I know that New York University is where I won't be considered "unusual" for being soul-side-out. Having the privilege to academically challenge myself again at a place that specializes in (what should I fill this with?) is an exhilarating thought. I must warn everyone though, that this superpower is quite contagious!

Undergraduate / 'A4-sized white paper' - transfer - flow of the essay, grammar, word choices, and overall feeling [3]

Hi, I am looking for your feedback about the following aspects of my two essays that are written below - flow of the essay, grammar, word choices, and overall feeling. Any help is greatly appreciated, and will be reciprocated. Thank you!

"Why do you want to transfer? (250-650 words)"

I sat with a piece of an A4-sized white paper in front of me. It's been fifteen minutes of twirling and tapping the pen on the desk. I was getting antsy, but not because I was nervous. I just really hated doing it. Plus, I just made one last Summer! Luckily, the first part was easy - draw a horizontal line going across the middle of the paper, dividing it into three equal parts by drawing four notches. In Korean, I labeled each notch: "Short term", "Five years", "Ten years", "Thirty years".

Since I was a child, my father always emphasized to me the importance of creating a timeline of my life, and that it should have the following main components: goals, dreams, and the tools I would need to achieve them. I used to oblige to this semiannual ritual just to fulfill the duty, and without having met my passion yet, I couldn't even begin to grasp what my true dreams were.

I picked up the pen again, and started to write. "Earn a lot of money", "Marry a beautiful wife", "Have a nice job" I was recycling the ones I used a few years back, and my timeline began to fill with unfounded wishes. Deep inside, I knew how meaningless the timeline was.

Being out in the real world post-high school gave me the nourishments I needed to mature, and I began to figure out what the important things of life are. I began looking ahead into the future, trying to imagine what it was going to look like, and what I wanted it to become. Inner qualities became the new external beauty in the people I associated with, and even the girls I liked. Although having a lot of money is nice, I didn't want it to be the deciding factor of my dreams. I started to think of my career choice as marriage. After all, we spend about half of the time we are awake, at work. The changes in the way I was thinking started to make it more clear to me what the components of my timeline were - or, perhaps it was the other way around. The ritual I used to take for granted has been subconsciously guiding me towards the things I value the most: passion, relationships, and education. With these components being the foundation of my paradigm, my timeline became true and clear, and I knew that college education as well as experience are the most valuable tools I need to achieve my dreams.

My life has been cluttered with less-typical responsibilities arising from nine years of financial and physical exhaustion that my parents faced as a part of immigration. My older brother has been striving on his own in California since in ninth grade, and has recently become financially successful enough to heartily adopt those less-typical responsibilities. Being cognizant of the fact that my family is always thinking of and sacrificing for me, I'm sure that the biggest reason why my parents moved to California (in 2014) was so that I can freely pursue what I need.

On February 2016, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Knowing my undeniable drive and determination for my future, I would have done well in college even without the awareness of ADHD. However, the increase in self-awareness will definitely improve the way I organize my life. Additionally, the choice - which I have never been able to make with confidence until now - to consolidate my life and devote my future on the subjects that I am passionate about, will be a huge factor in achieving my goals. I am ready, and my timeline awaits for its alma mater studiorum to make it a possibility...

Undergraduate / Tufts Undergrad Transfer Supplemental Essays (REAL Program for non-traditional students) [3]

Hello,

I appreciate you looking over my two essays to provide your feedback. Any feedback would be tremendously helpful! Thank you!

Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: "Why Tufts?" (Required length is 50-100 words)

It's all about Tufts' dual-degree program.

Some of my most interesting, well-rounded, and influential friends attend Tufts. When they enthusiastically rave about their experiences with Tufts' extracurricular activities, research opportunities, inspirational professors, and the pride they have for Tufts, my heart knows that Tufts is a school where everyone subliminally earns a second degree in dynamics of meaningful life.

Also, the accommodations and resources available for non-traditional students would allow me to get the full Tufts experience and education that I dream of, and it all happens to be in the city I've always wanted to call home.

There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (Required length is 200-250 words)

When I was a child, I wasn't always a typical boy. It was the norm for boys to be playing with action-figures or fighting each other with plastic swords, but I preferred to play "so-kup-jang-nan" - a popular game among girls that resembled a real-life version of "The Sims".

In the game, the dad was a merchant who sold scotch tape, chopsticks, and expensive-looking objects we found around the house. His store was under the dining table, and we were his customers. I always wanted to be the mom, because I loved to nurture the family with my deliciously prepared plastic potatoes and carrots. The child and the dog - which we named "Mini" - sometimes helped the mom cook and clean. We were one happy family. We were always a happy family. It's the only type of family I knew how to replicate, because I grew up with the privilege of having warm, loving, and compassionate parents

Fast-forward to now - I have absolutely no confusion about my gender, but there is something that will never change: My motherly instincts. What does this mean, you ask?

Something about my hard work directly transforming into smiles of others is more rewarding to me than anything else. When we combine passion, humanity, and knowledge, it becomes one of the most realistic superpowers that exist in our universe that can defeat any obstacles getting in the way of doing the right things. It is the superpower that gave me the courage to start a brand new journey in the healthcare field, and love every single second of it.