Posts by nida26

nida26

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Comparison of Energy Production [3]

Hi, Desty. You have a great essay. Let me give suggestion for your essay. Please correct me, if I am wrong

Your introduction:
The picture described the differences of energy output happened in 1995 and 2005. Overall, it can be seen that generally the use of coal and gas witnessed the most dominant for energy production among other different resources.

You have to know that every paragraph must be consisted of at least three sentences. So, you need to add 1 more sentence .

I try to rewrite your introduction. Here is mine:
A comparison of different production of energy in 1995 and 2005 is presented in two pie charts. Overall, it can be seen that the dominant energy produced were coal and gas over 10-year period. Nevertheless, the least production of energy was other resources.

Thank you

nida26

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - The Demographic Growth in US State of Oregon [3]

Hi, Adrian. You have a great essay. Let me give suggestion for your essay. Please correct me if I am wrong.

~~The line graph gives information about the demographic growth...~~
The line chart illustrates the number of population growth in the selected countries in the state of Oregon from 1940 to 2000, and it is measured in thousands. It is noticeable that ~~that~~(double "that") while in the whole period displayed ...

In 1940, the most crowded city was Washington, at 75 ~~thousand~~ , and much fewer people wanted to live in Columbia, only about 25 ~~thousand~~ . ~~30 years later~~Over the following 30 years , population in Washington ~~leveled up~~increased dramatically to approximately 128 ~~thousands~~ . Slight improvements were shown in Columbia and Yamhill, spotted at 32 ~~thousand~~ and 45 ~~thousand~~ respectively.,

In the end of the period, the sequence had not altered with Washington still breaking a record at 248 ~~thousand~~ . Interestingly, the number of citizens in Columbia and Yamhill went up gradually by virtually the same figure, at roughly 12 ~~thousand~~ .

You have mentioned the measure in introduction, so you do not need mentioned it again in your body paragraph

Thank you

nida26

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The changes which have occurred in West Park Secondary School, [2]

The diagrams show the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950

The maps illustrate the changes which have occurred in West Park Secondary School, over 6-decade period beginning in 1950 and ending in 2010. A significant change is the replacement farmland and houses with car park and science block over 60 years. However, there was remained unchanged in the school and the main road.

To begin, the most noticeable change was shown when the farmland in 1950 was constructed with a sports field in 1980 and a car park in 2010. Moreover, 1950 saw a several houses. It was redesigned to be a car pak and science block in 1980 and 2010.

Furthermore, the playground experienced a slight change over the years, because the only difference was extensive of its area. There was a quite small sports field next to the play ground in 2010, while in 1950 there was no sports field. Interestingly, the main road and the school stayed unchanged over 60-year period.

nida26

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The percentage of citizen access to recent technology in Britain throughout eight years. [3]

Hi Wahyu. You have a great essay. Let me give suggestion for your essay. Please correct me if I am wrong

~~The chart provides information about the percentage of citizen access to recent technology in Britain throughout eight years.~~

~~Overall, there was a noticeable upward trend in the access of modern technology in UK~~ . As regards, the access of CD player and home
You should not put "overall" in the first body. I think you should put it in the introduction.

~~It can be seen that the use of CD player showed the highest percentage otherwise the internet access illustrated the lowest percentage but the most remarkable upward trend occurred in a short time.~~

It is a conclusion. I suggest you to put this conclusion in introduction

I try to rewrite your introduction
The line chart illustrates the percentage of citizen access to recent technology in the UK from 1996 to 2003. Overall, there was a noticeable upward trend in the access of modern technology in the UK. However, the use of CD player showed the highest percentage, the internet access illustrated the lowest percentage.

Actually, Britain and UK are different.
Great Britain (or simply Britain) is made up of England, Scotland, Wales.
United Kingdom (UK) is made up of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
So, you cannot paraphrase the "UK" with the "Britain"

The last, I suggest you that every paragraph must be consisted of at least three sentences.

Thank you

nida26

Mar 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / The diagram presents the several processes for rainwater recycling [2]

The diagram shows how rainwater is reused.

The diagram presents the several processes for rainwater recycling. The results of water recycling can be used to fulfill people's daily usage. Then, the excess water will flow to the river.

Initially, rainwater which falls to the earth is stored in a special place which is called Dam. Afterwards, the water is flowed into Water Treatment Plant for purification, and this clean water can be used by the people for their household needs and daily usage like cooking or drinking. Furthermore, the water which has been used becomes waste water, and it is supplied to Wastewater Treatment Plant. This water will be recycled and flowed back to the home, whilst the excess treated water is sent to river.

In addition, the falling rainwater is also collected in Rainwater Tank which is located around the house. This is different from the previous, the water does not pass the purification process, so it can only be used for watering the local environment. Eventually, the storm water due to rain will soak into the ground and return to the river automatically.

nida26

Mar 22, 2016

Writing Feedback / The figure of four different features were mostly interested in 2003 and 2013 [4]

Hi, Nela
You have a great essay. Let me give suggestion for your essay.
Please correct me, if I am wrong.

Your introduction :
The figure of four different features which were [...] gaining the enormous alteration of the proportion.

I try to paraphrase your introduction for your consideration. Here is mine :
A comparison of different features which were mostly interested in 2003 and 2013 is presented in two pie charts.Overall, it can be seen that the favourite features were film/ music and travel in both years.However, books and clothes were the least popular features.

First body: You could explain about film/ music and travel
Second body : You could explain the other two features, books and clothes

Beside that, the number of words in your essay is 147 words. Actually, you should increase the total of words in this essay at least 150 words for Writing Task 1.

Thank you
Regard - Nida :)

nida26

Mar 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / Negative Effect of Fast Food Domination [5]

Hello Mr. Yonathan. You have a great essay. Let me give suggestion for your essay
Please correct me, if I am wrong

I try to paraphrase your introduction for your consideration. Here is my suggestion :

~~Global fast foods have replaced traditional diets ...~~

Over time, global fast foods have become popular for a plenty of people in several countries (HOOK). As such, it has replaced traditional diets and it have brought a plenty of negative effects on both families and communities. However, I extremely believe that this developing will be vey detrimental to inhabitant's lives.

Thank you :)

nida26

Mar 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Children Get More Pressure in This Era [2]

Hello Inastia. Your writing is good. I want to check your writing. Please correct me, if I have mistakes

Your Introduction:
In this modern era, competition among children ...

In my opinion, you have missed the coherence of your introduction between your first sentence and second sentence.
Here is my suggestion for your introduction:

In this modern era, the society has high expectations and hopes for their children. The society will give more emphasis for the young generation to fulfill their desires. However, I strongly believe that today's children get more stress than in several decades ago.

Thank you

nida26

Mar 14, 2016

Writing Feedback / People do not have to bother to cook complex meals because of their unhealthy fast foods [3]

In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

These days, eating fast foods are becoming popular for the inhabitants in several countries. Some people believe that the existence of fast food will simplify to do housework, particularly for cooking. However, I strongly agree that consuming fast foods regularly will cause several problems on both families and societies.

The presence of fast food is a solution and good choice for the inhabitants who have a lot of bustle for working and doing their activities. This is because they will have better time without struggling to cook complex homemade food. For example, house wife does not need to prepare lunch for husband and children in the early morning due to the food can be bought later that day everywhere. This means that these fast foods can save time and effort for the people in their life, especially to cook some meals.

However, I extremely believe that fast foods have some drawbacks for families and societies. Firstly, the consumption of fast food is related with health problems. Fast food has low nutrition and unhealthy ingredients, like it has high levels of sugar and calories. It can cause obesity, diabetes, heart disease and even cancers. In addition, the fast food can affect the relation with family, they do not share the common experience of same food or taste anymore, because they order the different menus. Moreover, international fast food can replace the local cuisine, which is the identity of region. It can damage the cultural values of the nation.

To sum up, although the people do not have to bother to cook complex meals because of their fast foods, I firmly agree that fast foods have several issues which have negative effects for people's life.