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Posts by UvyL26
Name: Aulia veiny
Joined: May 16, 2016
Last Post: May 31, 2016
Threads: 5
Posts: 8  

From: Indonesia
School: ITS

Displayed posts: 13
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UvyL26   
May 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / It has recently been announced that a new movie theater may be built in your neighborhood. [3]

This is my comment:

slightly improvement:
- can be caused (cause) terrific
- Theater is a public place which can be caused terrific and turbulent around the surrounding environmental ( terrific and turbulent? I am not clear with this sentence )

These activities and places comfort the living of the people around (I can't find a verb in this sentence)

The cost of our house increases more than 5 times (simple present) and we sold our house more expensive than compare the 2 years ago (simple past).(imbalance sentence)

Good luck for the next writing!
UvyL26   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / World has changed speedily from manual era to digital era because of computers [3]

Hi everyone. Please give me feedback, thank you

Question: Computers should never have been invented
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?


World has changed speedily from manual era to digital era. Most of people across the globe use computer in daily activities because computers make work easier. However, in this era, private zone is very difficult to find because hacker can access imperative data freely, although security of imperative data is strict. It is why there is a view about computers should have never been discovered. Nevertheless, I contrast with this view. I argue that, computers can make huge change in the world, particularly it will make work efficient.

To begin with, computers have made humans think about everything can be solved simply. Before computer was found, all administration matters were written by hand in the manual book or the papers. It was hard way to recall past data, someone must search one by one to find the data which was wanted and it spent more time. On the other hand, the computer make work more efficient. The past data can be recalled with computer search engine by less than 1 minute. Nowadays, all instance use computer to help their administration matters. Taking hospital as example, the administration staff of hospital writes personal identity of patient in computer. This way makes easy the doctor to know the record of patient. The bank and some public services also use computer to make queue-system.

Secondly, computer make the world to be instant. Sending data can be delivered by computer with email system in short time. Moreover, reducing cost and efficiency of time are direct effect from computer.


In conclusion, I cannot imagine if the computers has never been invented. Maybe, all instance like hospital, bank spent more time only in administration matters. Even though, the service is more important than spending more time in administration matters. The computer has changed the world, it has introduced to the world about the simple ways of work, and make everything to be instant.
UvyL26   
May 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Why Taking Part-time Job for Teenager are Beneficials? [3]

Hi @Pepzna12

I think that the writing will be better if you put the full question in your tread for example both views+your opinion or to what extant do yo agree? or causes and solution. It will make me understand whether your writing has answered the task or not.

but it is okay, I try to give some comments for this writing:
1. I am not sure between teenage-children and young adult . Its seem similar but is not clear. Teenager means a young person between 13 and 19 years old (cambridge dict) and adult means a person or animal that has grown to full size and strength (cambridge dict).

2. avoid 'things' to use in your writing task ------ an start providing things for ..... 'things' means referring to, the reader does not know.
3. It will be better if your conclusion mention about the effect if parents give support to teenage-children to take job.

Good luck!
UvyL26   
May 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Number of students staying in the UK who gained TEFL and Cambridge UCLES CELTA training qualificati [3]

Hi everyone, please feel free to give me feedback.

TASK 1- TABLE-the number of students gaining English language teacher training qualification

The table gives information about the sum of students staying in the UK who gained TEFL and Cambridge UCLES CELTA training qualification in two periods, between 2007/2008 and 2008/2009 and the table focus in percentage of male. Overall, it can be seen that total proportion of male students who have training qualifications decrease slightly.

As closer looked at the table, both of male who have qualified with TEFL certificate was remained similar percentage below 30% whereas the other certificate was below 20% in two periods. TEFL was also the biggest proportion by around a half more than Cambridge UCLES CELTA & other degrees.

Interestingly, out of the total of 8165 male students, only 17.3% of them have qualified with Cambridge UCLES CELTA & other degrees in 2007/2008 and 12.1% in 2008/2009. What was more, the percentage of male student with Cambridge UCLES CELTA & other degrees qualification dropped gradually over the second period (2008/2009). It was drop of around 5%.




UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / This diagram illustrates how a gas cooled nuclear reactor work to produce the steam [5]

Hi Mei, this is my feedback:

... how a gas cooled nuclear reactor works to produce the steam. Overall, it is clearly seen( maybe you can write it can be seen, clearly is not make sense for me) that the prominent feature ...

... vessel which has four graphite moderators and uranium fuel elemen insides. b aron control rods is used to channelize ...
i n addition, there are 2 type(s ) of gas dust to bring the hot and cold gas.
This(The)('the' is for specific object. So, you can use it) part of process changed (changes)(if you use present to describe the diagram, please be continue to use it ) the cool gas temperature and it ...

t he heat from hot gas is transferred to turbo alternator.

From the picture, we also can understand ...
t he hot gas always produced by ...

Mei, your writing is better than before. But, there are some reviews: 1. passive and active sentence. You sometimes use passive for active sentence and visa versa. 2. There are many capital errors in your sentence. 3 you use adverb between 'is' and verb

Good luck Mei
UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The chart below gives information about science qualifications held by people [3]

Hi Mr. Mao, it is my feedback

- there are some grammatical errors in your writing practice, but @patricioo, @Novi have been corrected. So, my focus not in grammatical view.

-You have 3 paragraph in your writing, but I am not clear in third paragraph. Why you separate third with second paragraph? I think, two paragraphs are similar type and do not separate them.

- I suggest you to conclude the bar chart in third paragraph, maybe you tell about unique trend.
example: you can use proportion of bachelor's degree as a unique percentage because it have a dramatic number than the others.

be enjoy for your writing exercise next
UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1: two main parts in the steam production: nuclear reactor and the heat exchanger. DIAGRAM [3]

I need some feedback from you all. thankyou

Question: The diagram below shows the production of steam using a gas cooled nuclear reactor.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The diagram illustrates that the steam process is produces by using a gas cooled nuclear reactor. It is noticeable that there were two mains part in this process such as nuclear reactor and heat exchanger.

As closer looked at the diagrams, the cooling gas goes to reactor through gas blower. The reactor which is entered cooling gas is the pressure vessel and it has many features such as uranium fuel elements, graphite moderations. In the pressure vessel, cooling gas is changed to hot gas and goes to heat exchanger and supplies gas in hot temperature. After that, hot gas goes to vessel again as cooling gas. Gas in the process has circulation continually.

The second part is heat exchanger. In this part, water is changed to be stream and the steam can generate the reactor for industrial machine. The water enter to heat exchanger reactor through water circulation. In the heat exchanger, hot gas makes the water changing to stream.

As can be seen, this is a continuous cycle that keeps the reactor from heat gas circulation and making the water changes to steam.




UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 1- The imprisonment percentage comparison between man and woman [5]

Hi novi, I'm glad to learn IELTS together with you

Overall, your writing idea is good but not complete. I have some suggestion for you.
In your paragraphs, you just mention about public drinking for the details
maybe you can use some classification to describe another reasons of persons arrested

e.g at between 10 % and 20% - for 3 reasons such as breach of other, assaults, theft, other reason
and be careful with using 'by' and 'in' for your sentence -........for example: by in the.........

I hope you enjoy for the next writing practice
UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1- The chart below gives information about the most common sports played in New Zealand [3]

Hi,pak Mao. welcome to the essay forum. I hope you enjoy to post your writing practice.

I want to focus in grammatical view and meaning view in the first paragraph

-The given bar graph illustrates information about the number of sports played in New Zealand by girls and boy with different sports in 2012. As is observed from the graph , both of them describe that their participatory in sports is almost same (similar). However, the preference of their sports is different.

for the fist sentence in paragraph 1, the sentence will be better if you write: - the bar graph illustrates or the bar chart gives information about.... I am not clear, if you put 'given in there, and illustrates information is double meaning.

As is observed from the graph,.... maybe you can put it in next paragraph, but for overview you can use overall, or it is noticeable that,........

'their' in their participatory in sports is not make sense, you should be clear for the meaning. the possible sentence: Overall, both of sexes ..................................................

You must have clear meaning in overview. I am not clear with your sentence: both of them describe that their participatory in sports is almost same. However, the preference of their sports is different. . Same in what? after that you wrote However,.........................different.

In my opinion, it is contrast sentence.

I wish my feedback be a new value for you. Good luck pak Mao
UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1- BAR CHART- the percentage of students who passed their exam, by subject and gender [5]

Hi everybody, please give me a feedback and possible correction

Question: The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

The bar chart gives information about the percentage of boys and girls who succeed from their high school competency exam with 7 different subjects between 2010 and 2011. It is noticeable that, both of sexes have been more succeed in 4 subjects such as computer science, mathematics, foreign languages, geography, than 3 others.

As closer looked at the bar chart, computer science is the subject which is the highest number of passing exam for boys at 56%, while girls have a lower percentage number than boys at only one fifth of male. Over more than two fifths, mathematic and foreign languages can be passed to both of boys and girls. In contrast, refers to the chart, both of genders have low proportion number of passing in history, although the lowest percentage can be seen in chemistry at 14,1 % for boys and the second one in geography at 20,1% for girls. Interestingly, girls more success than boys in six subjects such as physics, chemistry, mathematics, history, foreign languages, computer science, whereas boys more success only in geography.
UvyL26   
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Comparison of Montly Expenditures in Australia between 1991 and 2001 [4]

Hi Febriani, I try to give some mark for some grammatical errors in your sentences.

the second paragraph,
-it can be seen than apart from clothing and transport, the cost of rest commodities were higher in 2001 rather than in 1991. maybe you can use that after it can be seen that....

let's me try to write the possible sentence:it can be seen that the cost of clothing and transport rest commodities was higher in 2001 rather than in 1991

Nevertheless, the spending for clothing and transport in 2001 were lesser than (less than) in 1991. You must be sure with comparative and superlative. The comparative of little is less, and the superlative of little is least. So, you can reduce 'er' in lesser.

I am not clear with the idea in this sentence :The first declined with $10 from $30 to $20 while the latter had a $25 reduction from $70 to $45 over the same period (1991-2001).

I try to reread this sentence "the expenditure of cloth gradually declined over the period to finish at $20 in 2001. Moreover, the expenditure of transport also decrease at 45% in 2001

I hope you have more time for writing practice and I wish you be better in the next writing practice.
Good luck Febriani,
UvyL26   
May 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 1- PIE and BAR CHARTS - proportion of male and female arrested in five years ending 1994 (%) [3]

Hi everyone, I'm uvy and I try to upload my writing in TASK 1. I need feedback from you all . Thank you

Question: The pie chart shows the percentage of persons arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest *[/b][/b]

The pie chart compares about the proportion of persons arrested between male and female in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart gives information about the most reasons for arrest. It is noticeable that the greatest proportion of persons arrested was in males during 5 years and it can also be seen that drinking was the majority reasons of persons arrested.

As per pie chart, total males were arrested three times more than females, at 32%. Whereas, proportion of females arrested was at one first of the all total. There were seven reasons about why females and males was arrested and the reasons can be found from data on bar chart.

Public drinking was the most popular reason why people arrested, not only in males but also in females. Base on the reason, female proportion was higher (over 35%) than male proportion (over 32%). Drink driving was the second most popular reason of arrest for males, it was a quarter. While, Assault was the second most popular reason of females arrested it was around 18%.The arrest proportion for another reasons like Breach of order, Assault, theft was below 20% for all gender.




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