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Posts by phanhblue2007
Name: Phuong Anh
Joined: Jun 16, 2016
Last Post: Jun 18, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  
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From: viet nam
School: cnn high school

Displayed posts: 4
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phanhblue2007   
Jun 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / [Toefl] School with low-budget should cut P.E classes or art and music courses? [4]

Hi. Please give me some advice on my essay :) Thanks in advance!

When schools do not have enough funding or teachers, some people think physical education classes should be cut, while others believe that courses in art and music should be eliminated first. Which do you think is preferable, and why?

While some people argue that schools with a lack of funding or teachers should eliminate physical education classes from their curriculum, others believe that courses in art and music should be excluded first. As far as I am concerned, the second group's point is preferable for these following reasons.

To begin with, an individual can acquire a great deal of knowledge about art and music from our everyday life, since they play an essential role in our society. In other words, one do not necessarily need art and music courses in order to grasp the basic knowledge of them. On the other hand, physical education and sports need teachers, coaches and equipment which can only be found in schools. For instance, if kids were to practice exercises or play sports on their own, they could seriously get hurt. However, in a physical education class, they can be corrected and thus avoid injury. Indeed, eliminating physical education classes would not be a reasonable option concerning young students' welfare.

What's more, physical education and sports bring about a plenty of important life lessons for youngsters. It teaches them teamwork and how to achieve a certain goal, which could come in handy in their future. Moreover, it boosts one's self-esteem. For instance, if you can achieve something in sports or a fitness goal, then you naturally have the confidence that you could achieve any goals you set. Clearly, this is a very rewarding and exciting process.

Last but not least, through sports students could go to prestigious colleges, as there are more scholarships available to athletes than to artists. Two acquaintances of mine, for instance, got themselves scholarships to college through participating in school's Olympic sports team . As we can see, cutting physical education classes is bound to result in the loss of opportunities to attend colleges, which could be many students' desire.

Essentially, there are some good reasons why schools with low budget should keep physical education classes instead of art and music courses. As mentioned,P.E equips students with extremely important life lessons and for some individuals, it plays a major role in earning a scholarship to college. Besides, without physical education classes, students' welfare cannot be guaranteed. It would be a mistake to exclude such a vital subject from school's curriculum.
phanhblue2007   
Jun 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The internet should be more tightly controlled by governments. Do you agree or disagree? [5]

Hi. I think that your essay is pretty well-structured and contains a wide range of vocabulary. So I just noticed some minor mistakes :)
Personally, I think that "not only... but also" is not a very appropriate option in this context, since this structure usually have 2 clauses which complement each other, not contradict .

"wastes time" [time consuming ]
Children can connect to these websites and can see the information which is not good
Try something that conveys the meaning better than "good". Perhaps " which is bound to have a negative effect on their minds"

Your conclusion is not very well-written. It's a little short and doesn't summarize the whole idea of your essay
Hope this will help youu :)
phanhblue2007   
Jun 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children should be encouraged to study a foreign language from elementary schools already [4]

Hi ahmad_zuli. I think that you should focus more on your grammar, as I did notice quite a few grammar mistakes in your essay and they are bound to negatively affect your score.

Here are my suggestions, hope you'll find it helpful
Many people thinking about to learn aforeign language for the children beginnning from earliest grades is necessity
Many people believe that learning a foreign language from an early stage of life is extremely essential. I strongly advise that you eliminate "the" in "the children" because children in this context are undetermined, it's general

Personally, I agree with the idea that stars to learn foreign language for children is as well as early teaching
I dont quite understand your idea in this sentence.
Becouse I more lakely to believe study language needing habit too.
You should remove this sentence. Maybe replace it with: I strongly agree with the idea and this essay will explore the reasons to support my statement.

On the one hand, I completely agree teaching foreign language to the children as early as begun is easier to get it
On the one hand, I completely agree with those who claim that an early stage of life is the best period for acquiring some knowledge of a foreign language.

:) Good luck
phanhblue2007   
Jun 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Should students take out student loans to avoid working while studying. [3]

Please give me some advice on my essay :) Thanks in advance!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should take out student loans to avoid working while studying. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Some people argue that students ought to take out student loans to afford study fees instead of working. After all, this would help them concentrate on their study and therefore enhance their academic achievements. Be that as it may, I believe that part-time jobs can actually teach students a lot of important things outside campus, whereas taking out a loan can add extra burdens on their futures.

To start with, however convenient it is for students to continue their education without interruptions with the help of student loan, taking out a loan can be quite a burden in the future as it requires students to find a job right after graduation in order to pay it. This is a very challenging task for many recent graduates who are prone to lack the required experience. Moreover, paying loan back means paying extra taxes, which in total might strongly increase the real amount of the loan. Therefore, even for students who are capable of finding a job immediately, it would take a long time to pay off all the debts.

On the other hand, students who work while they are in college are much more successful in managing their time. Since they have to balance the amount of time between working and studying, they tend to follow a strict schedule which allows them to invest each minute of their spare time studying, rather than wasting it. On the contrary, non-working students are more likely to indulge themselves in time-consuming activities or hobbies in their free time, which are bound to have a negative effect on their results. A friend of mine, for instance, spends most of his free time watching films or sleeping. Consequently, despite not having a part-time job, he is nearly at bottom of the class every semester. Indeed, in this situation, not working while studying doesn't seem to positively affect students' study results.

Last but not least, having a part-time job before graduation teaches students a lot of necessary skills for their future. It cements students' background experience, makes them more confident and independent. In addition, it enhances students' skills of marketing themselves in order to get hired. All this expertise cannot be learned if a student don't look for a job early in his life.

In conclusion, I strongly encourage students to have a job while studying, in order to avoid any burdens loan might cause them in the future and to gain useful skills and experience.