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Posts by rodiwo
Name: Rudolf Wiebe
Joined: Jul 26, 2016
Last Post: Aug 4, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
Likes: 2
From: Germany

Displayed posts: 9
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rodiwo   
Aug 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / This essay will give an answer on why we are in need of music (historical vs cosmopolitan) [6]

Hi Minh.
When you make corrections, make sure they are correct. Otherwise they don't make sense.
1. Yes, I was struggling to find a synonym for "traditional" and couldn't find a perfect one.
2. Every country is also a state.
3. I think relevant is a good synonym for important.
4. Majority is both singular and plural. So the majority likes is correct.
5. An essay is supposed to be very formal. So the use of persons instead of people makes sense to me.
6. Musicians make music.
rodiwo   
Aug 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / This essay will give an answer on why we are in need of music (historical vs cosmopolitan) [6]

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Nowadays, the kinds of music differs a lot worldwide. This essay will give an answer on why we are in need of music, and whether the historical, longstanding music of a state is more relevant than the cosmopolitan music that is played everywhere these days.

We need music, because it makes us feel good and is healthy. The majority of people likes music because it provides them the necessary emotion that corresponds with their own. For example, If persons want to have a party they will choose positive, uplifting tunes with a fast beat to strengthen their already existing sentiment. Furthermore, music affects our health positively as it helps us to stay sound and avoid diseases.For instance, a study from Loyala University in Chicago found that retired orchestra musicians are less likely to develop dementia, because of the favourable impact making music had on their brains.

Traditional music is not more important than international music, because we live in a globalised world, and this has an influence on every part of our lives nowadays. Ancestral music is often restricted to certain simple intruments with a limited tonal range, and the variety of rhythm patterns and composition techniques is noticeably reduced. For example, Thailand's traditional music is performed on four - strings lutes respectively three - strings zithers, but it lost its predominate position in the 1930s to jazz music, which mirrors the huge impact this new music had on the world.

In conclusion, music is of great help in terms of staying healthy and balanced. But it does not necessarily has to be traditional music, because modern music plays a more important role in times of globalisation. Although the quality of the music we can hear everywhere worldwide is many times not good, musicians nowadays have a wide selection to fuel their creativity.
rodiwo   
Aug 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / If we use cell phones in the right way, they will become the most efficient tool in this modern life [3]

Hello. First of all, I really enjoyed reading you essay. I think you have a good basis in terms of writing, but you lack structure and clarity.

For example, the introduction is just about paraphrasing the task and outlining your essay.
I agree with the other comments that your conclusion isn't that strong, although it's not bad.
In my opinion, this would be a good structure for the two supporting paragraphs:
Statement/thesis - explanation - result - example

Hope this helps, and keep on writing.
rodiwo   
Jul 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening ,and what [8]

Wow.Thank you,justivy03,I highly appreciate your judgement since you are such a skilled and experienced writer.Yes,it is my first essay in English.In the last 3 months I mainly focussed on the listening and reading parts,because you are there immediately able to evaluate your current level.In both I score constantly at least a 7.Now I am turning the focus on writing and speaking.I still have 5 months left to prepare myself,and I am in the fortunate position to spend up to 3 hours daily on learning English.I happily notice that my learning is effective and that my knowledge of the English language steadily grows.

Thank you again for encouraging me to keep on writing essays and for strengthening the love for the English language which I already feel.
rodiwo   
Jul 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening ,and what [8]

Hello everyone.
I am Rudi(rodiwo)from Germany currently living and working in Vietnam.
I post this essay because I want to be able to work as an English teacher in emerging countries in the future.
Therefore,I am aiming for a band score 7 at my IELTS exam at the end of this year.
I produced this essay by looking up many words in regards of meaning and spelling ,and I didn't care about the used/spent time.

Because I mainly focus on preparing myself for the test right now.
I think this is approximately the level I can reach in a few months.
I will,of course,balance out my receiving and contribution.
Thank you guys for making this here possible.

rodiwo   
Jul 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening ,and what [8]

measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

Nowadays,a lot of people who are sent to jail or have to endure other judical sanctions for the first time get on with their criminal activities after dismounting their penalty.In this essay I will try to find possible reasons for such a devastating situation and offer solutions about what can be done to reverse this adverse development.

How is it possible that perpetrators are not learning from their mistakes when this is the intended aim of a sentence?I am sure that when they receive their punishment they feel both angry and frustrated and blame society for this.Furthermore,they feel like outcasts which lost their status quo in normal life.If they go to jail they also encounter other criminals with which they then will develop friendships.This would create a vicious circle that builds the foundation for all subsequent misbehaviour.

What can be done to cope with this issue?I am pretty sure that society plays a key role in the solution of this problem.And by society I mean every single one of us.We should neither degrade,belittle or despise them nor bear or show condescension for them.For instance,if a first time offender is released and applies for work,the potencial employer should not exclude the possibility of hiring such a person and concede him or her the equal opportunities respectively chances,as every other applicant,to get the job.Furthermore,judges should be more lenient towards first offenders,especially when they are relatively young.

In conclusion,when it comes to prevent perpetrators of a crime from conducting a second one we as a society should make all possible efforts in order to support and reintegrate these people.In a strong,healthy and prosperous community everyone is needed.Therefore,we must try everything that is possible to stop first offenders from repeating a crime.
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