Re-admission from suspension essay; circumstances, procedures (University of Houston)

I am reapplying to U of H after being placed in academic suspension, I would love some feedback about my essay. Any suggestion on how to improve it would be appreciated.Thank you

PROMPT:
Describe the circumstances that led to your suspension.
Describe the procedures you intend to implement to improve your academic standing. In addition,
please discuss your interest in your choice of major and your background that led to this interest.

To Whom It May Concern,
I was a full-time student pursuing a degree in Mechanical Engineering Technology when I was placed under academic suspension after the spring 2012 semester. It has been almost four years since I last attended University of Houston and I have made plenty of changes around my life in order to be able to be ready to attend this school once again.

When I first started attending University of Houston, I was still living with my parents, working full time as an intern and I was still taking classes at Lone Star College. I started working as an intern because I knew I wanted to pursue a mechanical engineering career, and that would give me a head start once I completed my degree. However, it was not going to be a paid internship, so I still depended on my parents in order to pay for school, gas, and other necessities.

My parents agreed to help pay for all my needs as long as I attended school full-time, took care of my younger brother as well as doing the house chores. After school and work were over, I had to take care of my ten year-old little brother. As much as I tried to balance school and work, I was starting to fail in school. The relationship between my parent and I started to deteriorate quickly, with constant fight when I wasn't able to keep up with my responsibilities at home.

As I talked to my coworkers about careers and school, they recommended I change my major t Mechanical Engineering Technology, claiming that it was more hand-on and practical. After my first semester there, I decided to take my co-workers advice and change my major. My second semester was going better, I was able to understand what I was being taught easier, but I was still under a lot of stress at home, and still not able to study as much I wanted and needed. I started to have some health problems as well, with all the stress I was going through.

That's when I decided I needed to move out of my parent's house. I was told there was a drafter position open at the company, and I decided to apply for it. A few weeks after I was hired as a drafter, I moved out. I knew for my next semester I would only be taking a class or two, just enough were I would be comfortable, and I knew I would have time to study. Unfortunately, it was too late by then, and I was placed under academic suspension following that semester.

After my suspension, I went back to Lone Star College to acquire my Associates degree first; I could focus on learning studying and time management techniques so that when I went back to U of H, I would pass all my classes with good grades. I took a class or two every semester, making sure I had time to study and rest as well. On May 2015 I received my Mechanical Engineering Technology Associates degree as well as an Excellence in Engineering Design Award. On the years I attended Lone Star College, I was able to raise my GPA, from under 2.0 to above 3.0.

My parents are both engineers, and growing up, they told me that their careers required analyzing problems and designing a method or device to be able to help fix that problem. I knew since I was young that that was what I wanted to do. As a designer, I assist the engineers and I get to work with them closely. I've worked drawing and designing assemblies for different aspects of the oil industries for over 3 years. I've always been interested in pursuing a career as a Mechanical Engineer.

My husband and I have been saving money for me to be able to go back to U of H. If I am allowed to return to U of H, I will take a break from work and focus entirely on school. I will only take a class or two my first semester there since I know how hard classes are. I know I have all I need in order to finally become an Engineer; I have all the tools and the support I need this time in order to not fail. I wish greatly that you can give me the opportunity to prove not only to you and my family, but to myself, that I am ready to finish achieving my degree in Mechanical Engineering Technology.

Sandra, I find your readmission letter to be quite scattered at this point. You need to reconcile the reasons for your academic suspension based upon your failure to perform academically, with your problems at home, and then, present the fact that you got married at some point during your suspension. That way the reviewer will not suddenly be hit by the information of your being already married at the end of the essay.

You will need to explain why you were attending two colleges simultaneously in the letter. This is a unique situation that could have contributed greatly, more than the problems that you had with your parents, in your failure to keep up with your UH class requirements. You also need to develop a stronger background for your interest in Mechanical Engineering aside from the fact that it was recommended for a reason by your co-workers. I did not really see a keen interest nor a good background on your part, aside from your parents being engineers themselves, that would lead me, as the reviewer, to believe that I should give you a second chance to attend my university under this major.

You should try to shorten the part about the problem that you had with your parents because it just feels like it takes too much space in the letter. Try to summarize it in relation to the fact that you were attending Lone Star College at the same time. The essay just feels like it rambles on longer than it should because of your fact presentation. I believe that you should start over and use an outline to help you better sort out the topics you want to discuss and better connect your responses to the prompt. The lack of focus and a coherent discussion of the reasons and facts behind your suspension really affects the overall impact of the letter. Right now, it doesn't have much of an impact nor does it entice the reviewer to look at your case again for possible readmission.

Thank you for your feedback!
My co-workers recommended that I switch from Mechanical Engineering to Mechanical Engineering Technology. I should probably specify that somewhere in the essay.

I will work on rewriting my essay again.

Thanks again!

Is this better?

To Whom It May Concern,
I was a full-time student pursuing a degree in Mechanical Engineering Technology when I was placed under academic suspension after the spring 2012 semester. It has been almost four years since I last attended University of Houston and I have made plenty of changes around my life in order to be able to be ready to attend this school once again.

The first semester I attended University of Houston, I still living with my parents, working full-time as intern. I started working as an intern because I knew that that would give me a head start and extra experience once I completed my degree. However, since it was an un-paid internship, I needed my parent's economical help in order to pay for school, gas, and other necessities. Since there were some classes that I still needed to take that were offered at Lone Star College, and they were less costly, I was taking classes at both schools at the same time. The relationship between my family members was always very unstable and there were always confrontations and a lot of stress in the house. Having to work full time, attend school full time and take care of my younger brother, I had very little time left for my school work. I knew I wasn't ready to take as many classes at school, the classes weren't hard, I was able to understand and keep up with the teachers, but since I was constantly missing homework assignments, my grades dropped fast. The spring semester of 2012, I left Lone Star College and started attending only University of Houston. I knew I needed to take fewer classes or leave my internship in order to have more time to do school assignments. Unfortunately, taking fewer classes was not an option I had at the moment, since it was a requirement my parents gave me in order to pay for school. I was also promised a position as a drafter sometime before the summer, so leaving work was not an option for me either.

After being hired as a drafter, I moved out of my parents' house. I was ready to start attending next semester more carefully. I knew what I had to do in order to raise my GPA, take fewer classes, even if it takes more years to finish my degree. My supervisor knew about my school plans and knew school was my priority too. They were willing to work with my schedule if it was necessary. Unfortunately, I was placed under academic suspension that semester.

I took my suspension as an opportunity to go back to Lone Star and work on my studying and time management skills that I would need if I was granted the opportunity to go back to school again. I took a class or two a semester at first, I started with the number of classes I felt comfortable with. And as my studying skills improved, I took more classes. I got married a few months later, and with the help and support of my husband, I was finally able to obtain my Associates degree in May 2015. My GPA was above 3.0 when I graduated, and I received an Excellence in Engineering Design Award as well.

I know I am now ready to re-apply to University of Houston. My husband and I have been working very hard this past year to save money in order for me to go back to University of Houston. If I am granted the honor to go back, I will take a break from school and focus entirely in school. I will follow the same procedure I did in Lone Star; take a class or two each semester. I wish greatly that you can give me the opportunity to prove not only to you and my family, but to myself, that I am ready to finish achieving my degree in Mechanical Engineering Technology. I know this is the career for me, ever since I was young, I was passionate about how stuff work and how to fix it if it was broken. Problem-solving is why I love and was always good in math. As a designer, I assist the engineers and I get to work with them closely. I've worked drawing and designing assemblies for different aspects of the oil industries for over 3 years. I am constantly creating ways to make the different tools we use more effective. I've always been interested in pursuing a career as a Mechanical Engineer. I wish you could please grant me the opportunity to finish my degree.

The most problematic part of your letter is the way that you are unable to create a fluid and understandable structure for the events that led to your academic suspension and how you have better prepared for it at this point. I am going to show you a sample of how you should develop this letter. If you want to, use this version for the early to late part of the letter, adding only the last pieces of information after the ellipses (...) at the end.

To Whom It May Concern;

I was placed on Academic Suspension in 2012 after my grades slipped to below the required 2.0 GPA. This was caused by certain elements in my life which I feel were out of my control. I am hoping to be able to appeal that decision and to be allowed to attend the upcoming semester with the help of this letter. As a first semester full time student who was being fully financially supported by my parents, their desire to help me with my tuition fees came with the price of being a full time student who helped out around the house. Being young and naive, I had the wrong belief as to my time management skills at the time, which resulted in my suspension.

My problems began when I decided to work full time as an unpaid intern while attending both University of Houston and Lone Star College, as well as keeping my home chores duties agreement with my parents. I worked full time because I felt that I needed the experience to help me get ahead technically while attending school and I attended Lone Star at the same time because the other classes that I needed to qualify as a full time student and continue the support of my parents were cheaper there. Admittedly, I had far too much on my plate. Yet, I believed I could pull it off without a hitch.

With very little time for actual homework, study, and project completion, my grades slipped fast. Even after I moved out of my parents house, I could not perform better academically because the promise of being a drafter at my unpaid internship enticed me to remain at work, along with attending both schools. Even with my supervisor being willing to work around my schedules, I had already reached the point of no return with my grades and the suspension was handed down before I had a chance to enact any changes in my academic life.

Seeing the suspension as an opportunity rather than a setback, I continued to study at Lone Star in order to improve my chances of readmission to UH. I enrolled in 2 classes a semester the next couple of years, increasing my class load in order to ensure that I would be better prepared to return to UH and also, to train myself for better time management. I am so much better at time management now that even after I married, my grades did not slip and my study skills have shown continuous improvement. I graduated with an above 3.0 GPA and received an Excellence in Engineering Design Award as well.

Now I am ready to go back to college full time. My husband and I have agreed that in order to achieve my dream, I will need to quit working and become a full time student. He understands my academic needs and is willing to help me accomplish it. We have prepared financially for this objective and do not see any reason why I cannot afford to attend school without working at this point. However, in order to avoid any potential setbacks, I plan to ease myself back into college the same way I did at Lone Star. Taking a class or two per semester until I reach a full course load.

Thus, I am reapplying to the University of Houston as a Mechanical Engineering Technology major. I was passionate about how stuff work and how to fix it if it was broken...

Thank you so much!
I was having such a hard time with this...personal essays were never my thing.