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The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay.


JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Jun 11, 2016   #1
Hello Essay Forum Team members, friends, and readers,

I am opening a college fund on GoFundMe.com, so I can use the money towards tuition expenses. The following essay is a draft, and it's a bit long. I don't want to cut anything without getting some feedback. Please help me with this essay. I would really appreciate it.

Thank you!

Start:

Hi, my name is Juan Sebastian Rubio. Recently, I graduated from Broward College (BC) with an Associate's Degree. With hard work, dedication, and the help of mentors and professors, I made it to the top of the rock: Graduation. My passion for math, science, and physics, led me to choose Aerospace Engineering as my study.

My mother gave birth to my siblings and I in Bogotá, Colombia. I attended Taller Infantil Quiroga, a small school where my love for both learning and math began. In third grade, I always finished my multiplication assignments first; I got in trouble many times because I got bored of doing nothing. This happened so often, that my teacher, Rosse Mery, placed me with the fifth graders to study. By the end of fourth grade in the year 2000, my mother left for the United States. Her earnings weren't enough to provide for us. She moved with her brother, a citizen of the U.S., and started cleaning homes right away. What earned in one day cleaning homes, she earned in Colombia in a month. She decided our future would be better in the U.S.

In 2002, my sister and I flew to the U.S. to be with mom once again. I began middle school right away and joined Esol classes. By the end of 8th grade, I was taking classes with English-speaking students; I mastered the language easily. When I turned 14, I helped my mom cleaning health offices in Boynton Beach, FL. I had to change out trash bags in the whole building, while mom vacuumed the carpets. I didn't mind working though; it gave me the freedom to buy my own things. That same year in 2005 (9th grade), I got a job at the mall as a sales clerk, pretending to be a 16-year-old. I loved working, interacting with people, and making money. In my senior year, I dual-enrolled. While I learned Algebra II in high school, I drove to college that same day to learn College Algebra. I was the few of the seniors taking college credits. In 2009, I graduated and won two scholarships, but due to my immigration status, I couldn't continue onto college or accept any aid. My mother did not have the resources to put me through college, so my dream of going to college died. I cried in my room when she told me the news. I was hopeless.

Between 2009 and 2013, I worked determinedly to make ends meet. At one point, I worked as a server, a property manager, and as a hotel clerk. I lived on my own, bought a car, and lived a comfortable life. People often asked me, "When are you starting college?" I didn't know what to respond, as my immigration status was unknown, so I told people, "Soon!" I held onto that dream, which helped me get through hard times, including depression. But in 2013, my life changed. I received my permanent resident card in the mail. The next week, I applied to Broward College without hesitation; they accepted. I took the placement test and placed high on my math and writing skills, allowing me to start regular classes. I continued what I had placed on hold back in 2009.

Last month, I walked across a stage to receive my diploma. I wore my aerospace decorated graduation cap with the words, "Limitless Dreamer," written on it. I stood up with the few students who had highest honors and attained a 3.95 GPA. Though, what matters the most was starting the study group, "The Calculus Team." Since Calculus I, I noticed two classmates besides me struggling with tests, and so, I offered my help. The group was born. The team grew from two people to seven total, all minorities. We helped each other through the toughest of subjects and studied together every night after class, studying on Sundays too. We were strong-minded. This support group helped us get high grades. My role in the group was of a mentor and a tutor. I led the team by gathering the meetings. Still, I discovered something in myself: I had the talent to get people to believe in their dreams. My friends noticed how hard I worked and followed my example. By graduation, I had convinced three students to apply to the best universities in Florida; they got accepted. This is by far my biggest and proud accomplishment.

My thirst for learning ignited my ability to dream, to where I now dream of the impossible. I aspire of being an astronaut someday. First, I have to go through a rigorous Aerospace Engineering program, and Georgia Institute of Technology has opened their doors for me in an acceptance letter. This university is where I will fulfill my dreams and where I get to mentor and inspire students and minorities.

That young boy in Bogotá does no differ from me today. He lives inside of me; he loves and appreciates. That boy is a dreamer. Will you help him get to Georgia Tech?

Because I am an out-of-state student, the costs are similar to a private college's tuition. I cannot afford tuition. If you would like to help, please click the "donate" link below. Any donation you can make, will be appreciated. I am determined for success, and I will not disappoint.

Thank you

End.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 14, 2016   #2
Hi Juan,

Minor edits would be helpful I think:
- Her earnings weren'twere not enough to provide.. (avoid using contractions, this makes your essay/letter less formal)
- ...and joined EsolESOL classes. (mind the capitalization)
- In my senior year, I dual-enrolledenrolled in two places at the same time . (dual-enrolled cannot be considered as a verb, and therefore this is considered as a sentence fragment)

- I couldn'tcould not continue onto college... (another contraction problem)
- Any donation you can make will be appreciated. (comma is unnecessary)

As usual, your writing is always very informative to the reader. I think that 888 words were adequately covered all the information needed to the people who would like to read and donate their money for your tuition fees. If you still in doubt, perhaps you can reduce the amount of words by combining the first and the second paragraph because I think that it has the same information about your family condition and your personal background. I have also read on GoFundme.com about your fundraising profile. It is a huge amount of money indeed. I hope you can reach your goal.

Good Luck mate :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 15, 2016   #3
Hi Juan, indeed without a fund, a healthy fund, you will not be able to proceed and push your limits. Thanks to the help of websites such as GoFundMe.com.

As hard as it is to secure a scholarship fund, it's almost as hard to get the attention of GoFunders in the website, I believe if the funders are able to feel you and believe in your genuine purpose they will not hesitate to fund you.

Overall, the essay is fairly written, quiet long, however, it served its purpose. The essay also showcased where you came from and your eagerness to pursue learning and be good at it. More than the diploma, to better yourself should be your main goal and eventually share your knowledge to others.

However, I have a few suggestions for your final paragraph.

- BecauseAs ( avoid starting your sentence with the word "because" )
- college's tuition.
- I cannot afford tuition.- this is a very negative connotation to express your current situation and it does not help your plight to get funded.

- If you would like toAny help is much appreciated , please click the "donate" link below.
- Any donation you can make, will be appreciated.
- I am determinedgeared for success, and
- I will not disappointmake use of the funds for greater welfare .

There you have it Juan, I will sure wait and pray that you will be able to publish your plight in the GoFundMe.com website and I hope you get funded.
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Jun 15, 2016   #4
Thank you guys for the feedback. The comments and corrections are great! Many thanks!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 16, 2016   #5
We are always happy to help Juan! Just make sure that when you do launch your GoFundMe.com link, you couple it with prayers, the genuine desire to attain academic excellence and more importantly, to better develop and hone yourself towards greater welfare.

Now, just a few reminders as you go along;

- review the language rules, subject verb agreement, those tenses the right form of the words, singular and plural forms and the minor details such us spacing and punctuation marks

- proof reading is also a good habit to form when you want to get a first hand criticism of your work, this way you will develop a third person to critique your work within yourself

- manage the length of the essays you write, sometimes, long essays does not mean they're worth a read

Finally, make sure that you are able to provide the answer and the purpose of your essay, this is the key to a successful article.

Keep writing and I hope to review more of your work soon.


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