The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter

there is a scholarship oppurtinity to study abroad and in order to applay i must send a motivation letter. Im an undergraduate student and i will be holding my BSc degree on the next February. This is the first time i have to write one and i have read some examples, hints and tips on how to write the perfect letter.

This is my letter, i would like to get some opinions about how good is it, how can it be improved or any mistakes i have done. The scholarship providers did not mention any instructions on how to write the letter.

Subject: Motivation letter for the XYZ

Dear Sir/ Madam,

The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary, invaluable and indescribable, it is very special in an amusing way. I can't imagine how did Albert Einstein, Nicola Tesla and other great scientists feel when they accomplished what every person is being influenced by these days.

Since I was a kid I had the demand of exploring different horizons and prevailing new discoveries, I believe that achieving a dream requires a goal to work hard for and a path to reach your desired destination. The path I have chosen is communications engineering, due to its direct impact on every individual life, no matter of his age, gender, language, or personal interests.

I will be holding the Bachelor of Science in communications engineering on February 2015, I could not be able to obtain this degree without a scholarship I got and I know the type of pressure by this kind of commitment.

Being able to obtain my Masters degree in XYZ is a great advantage because of the diversity of cultures, in addition to the remarkable historical values making XYZ a unique leading nation around the world. This scholarship I perceive as an extraordinary opportunity to interact with students and scholars from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds coming from the entire world. This type of networking is very important for integration of different ideas and perspectives pertaining to diverse global issues.

At the end I would like to point out that I am determined to make the most out of the scholarship program. Since it is provided by the XYZ, the leading agency of funding, development and management of research in XYZ, this scholarship is the best way to utilize my full potentials. Moreover I feel that this opportunity is a great way to improve and develop the life standards of our countries, beside that, being enrolled in such program will bring me closer to fulfilling my career goals.

I am grateful for considering my application and I look forward to a favorable reply.

Sincerely,
Tariq Mahmoud.

The scholarship letter is very weak in content. You should always mention the name of the scholarship and how you embody its mission and objectives. It is important that you also appeal to the scholarship committee by telling them why you feel you deserve to be a recipient of their scholarship. Mentioning what your plans are for the future or where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years and how the scholarship can help you achieve that will also be a nice touch. More importantly, you need to mention how you will help to promote the scholarship itself after graduation or during your studies. Any exceptional achievements that you have reached in the past that can relate to the course you want to study and the scholarship will also be a valuable piece of information for the scholarship committee to consider.

Thank you for your great help.

Your previous notes helped me alot, i would like to know about this SOP letter.

Subject: Motivation letter for the 2215 - Graduate Scholarship Program for International Students
Dear Sir/ Madam,
"That's good, but I want a better result next time". That's what my beloved mother used to tell me whenever I get the result of an exam, even if it was a full mark. I was a kid and being the top student of my class for eleven years in a row didn't seem to help me grasp what she was trying to teach me, the last year of my basic education was like any other, until some day when the social councilor of my school came to our class and told us about a competition in our district related to educational issues. The competition criteria was based on researches done by students trying to find an efficient solution for any educational problem, my research was about low academic performance, I studied its causes and the best ways to achieve better academic results. All of my work paid off when I won the first place among many other students.

My grandparents had to leave Palestine in 1948 and came to Jordan and lived here with nothing at all, we lost everything. Ever since that day we as a family believe that education is the most important asset and quality of a man and one should attempt his best to acquire it. As the first born child in my family, my family always encouraged me to become a doctor, but I had no interest in that field, I've always wanted to become an engineer, and I did. I'm currently one semester away from holding my BSc degree in telecommunications engineering, I've chosen this major due to its direct impact on every living person, in the present world communication plays key role in all the development activities from economy to all relations in national and international activities, it's a divers field of engineering and the work ranges from basic circuits design to strategic mass development.

My freshman year in college was the best; I achieved a high GPA (3.75/4), made new good relationships and enjoyed every aspect of my studies. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep my GPA as good as it was, it's currently (3.1/4) and I admit it, I didn't like the compulsory courses I had to take due to the university rules and I had no interest in courses not related to my field of studies. And since I've passed every course of them I just didn't care. Nowadays, I'm paying the price of it, I'm working harder than ever to achieve better results and raise my performance as they say "better late than never". The graduation project I've chosen is related to Sound Source Localization, I'm building a prototype of a camera which is steered automatically by two motors based on the direction of arrival of sound obtained by an array of microphones. It's a challenging field of research yet an interesting one, I am seriously considering specializing in this field and further my research in it, and I am confident of contributing significantly to this field so that I can become one of the major contributors to it. The ability of localizing more than one sound source at the same time and reducing the complexity of computations in order to make real-time applications related to communications, security and many other fields is only possible if I continue my research through Masters Degree and a few years later by a PhD degree.

The Scientific and Technological Research Council of Turkey (TÜBİTAK) has more than 2,500 researchers working at 15 different subordinate institutes and research centers being responsible for developing science, technology and innovation (STI) policies, supporting and conducting research and development activities. TUBITAK has represented Turkey in nearly all international science and technology cooperation activities. I am keenly interested in being a part of this leading agency, and the 2215 - Graduate Scholarship Program for International Students is the golden opportunity to strengthen and enrich myself that I've waited my whole life in order to achieve my long-term goal which is to put my footprints in the field of communications engineering through contributions of original ideas and translating those ideas to end applications and products. In this endeavor, I want to make what my mother always tried to teach me become true; contribute significantly to the human society by using knowledge to serve the greater good and make people lives easier.

I am grateful for considering my application and I look forward to a favorable reply.

Sincerely,
Tariq Mahmoud.

Tariq, the essay is way too long for an admissions officer to read. You spend too much time discussing your mother and grandparents at the start. That is a major turn off for the officer reading your essay. You should keep it short yet highly informative. 2 pages, double spaced at the most. Let me see if I can get you started off here. I would probably start the essay this way:

I have been fascinated by the world of science and technology as far back as I can remember... (Now tell a story about your first experience that can relate to the opening I made for you)

Move on to your academic accomplishments from there. Skip discussing your GPA and instead discuss your graduation project and how you have an ambition to have a science program eventually use it in the future. End it by mentioning that you need help in achieving that dream by attending the best academic institutions.

Now, close the essay by mentioning the opportunity you have to attend the graduate program. Mention what interests you about the program and what you feel you have to contribute to the betterment of its mission and objectives.


-Instead say, I have a strong desire to...

That will be end sentence of the essay. I hope my suggestions help you out :-) I look forward to reading the new version if you decide to write a new one.

i thought that it was some kind of a long essay and i will try to make it less longer. Its less than 2 pages, single spaced and with 1 inch margin.

i've made the " i have a strong desire ..." the last sentence but can modify this letter as you suggested instead of writting a new one? writting was never one of strongest abilities and im really busy these days and the due date is getting sooner.

Of course you can use the modifications I provided for you. It would certainly be easier than writing a new one. Follow the paper format that was provided to you in the essay instructions. Go ahead and revise it using the guide I gave you. We can work on cleaning it up some more once you have done that. To clarify, I don't want you to mention your GPA at all in the essay because your grades are not impressive and could negatively impact the impression of the admissions officer and instantly make him decide that you are not qualified for the program. I am just looking out for your welfare :-) We need to present you in the best possible way as a motivated student. I am looking forward to reading the new version.

there was not format or instructions for this letter, its one page exactly, single spaced and about 1 inch margin. chech this version please. Provide me of any grammatical mistakes (if any)

Subject: Motivation letter for the 2215 - Graduate Scholarship Program for International Students
Dear Sir/ Madam,
The fact that when any individual gains knowledge in a particular subject, his awareness of the unknown about that topic becomes greater, I have been fascinated by the world of science and technology as far back as I can remember, the ability of the human mind to create new technological and scientific inventions in order to improve the standards of the life we know answers the questions about the higher purpose of our minds.

I believe that education is the most important asset and quality of a man and one should attempt his best to acquire it. As the top student of my class for eleven years in a row, my family always encouraged me to become a doctor, but I had no interest in that field. I'm currently one semester away from holding my BSc degree in telecommunications engineering, this major has a direct impact on every living person, in the present world, communication plays key role in all the development activities from economy to all relations in national and international activities, it's a divers field of engineering and the work ranges from basic circuits design to strategic mass development.

As a senior student, I've chosen a challenging field of research yet an interesting one for my graduation thesis; it's related to Sound Source Localization. I'm building a prototype of a camera which is steered automatically by two motors based on the direction of arrival of sound obtained by an array of microphones. I am seriously considering specializing in this field and further my research in it, and I am confident of contributing significantly to this field so that I can become one of the major contributors to it. The ability of localizing more than one sound source at the same time and reducing the complexity of computations in order to make real-time applications related to communications, security and many other fields is only possible if I continue my research through a Master Degree and a few years later by a PhD degree at one of the best Turkish academic institutions.

The Scientific and Technological Research Council of Turkey (TÜBİTAK) has more than 2,500 researchers working at 15 different subordinate institutes and research centers being responsible for developing science, technology and innovation. TUBITAK has represented Turkey in nearly all international science and technology cooperation activities. I am keenly interested in being a part of this leading agency, especially in one of the advanced countries. The 2215 - Graduate Scholarship Program for International Students is the golden opportunity to strengthen and enrich myself that I've waited my whole life in order to achieve my long-term goal which is to put my footprints in the field of communications engineering through contributions of original ideas and translating those ideas to end applications and products. In this endeavor, I have a strong desire to contribute significantly to the human society by using knowledge to serve the greater good and make people lives easier.

Sincerely,

Tariq Mahmoud

Here we go Tariq :-)


- greater. I...
- This is a statement of fact followed by a new sentence


- ... remember. The ...
- This is another statement of fact and should be individual sentences.


every living person today since communication plays a key...


- communication plays a key role... development of activities ranging from economic to international relations. It's a diverse field of ... work that ranges from basic circuit design...


- ... I have chosen a challenging yet interesting field of research...


- direction of sound arrival


- Don't tell them facts they already know about their own university.


- in becoming a part..
- Do not be obvious that you want to leave the country. Even if it is to gain better knowledge. Such a sentence could make the TUBITAK reviewer uncomfortable and insulted because it seems like you do not have enough confidence in the world class quality of their institution.


- my whole life for to achieve...



See if the corrections I did helps your essay to flow better as I believe it does :-)

" especially in one of the most advanced countries"
I meant Turkey by this sentence to show that I'm interested in studying abroad there, i guess that i should have written it as

especially in one of the most advanced countries like Turkey. Is it ok like this or i should remove it completely?

long-term goal which is to put my footprints . Is there any thing wrong in this sentence?

I made the corrections as you told me. on a scale from 0 to 10, how much do you rate the letter?

- I believe that you should drop that portion of the sentence. It is confusing.


- Sorry about that. I was supposed to highlight that part in blue because it is an insertion that I made in order to complete the thought and fix the flow of the paragraph.

I did notice that you made corrections based upon my suggestions. Now, about the grade. I thought that this was supposed to be a motivational letter? Why do you need it graded? Just the same, let me see if I can give it an appropriate rating. Keep in mind that I am not familiar with the grading rubic that will be used to judge the quality and content of the paper. So I am going to give it a conservative grade of 8. I based the grade on the coherence of the essay, grammar and punctuation usage, and the ability of the writer to develop an essay from a first person point of view. I hope my rating helps you out :-)

I dont need it graded, i just thought that it would be helpfull to mention my first year high GPA and i removed that part after your advice.

This is how it looks like now:

Subject: Motivation letter for the 2215 - Graduate Scholarship Program for International Students
Dear Sir/ Madam,
The fact that when any individual gains knowledge in a particular subject, his awareness of the unknown about that topic becomes greater. I have been fascinated by the world of science and technology as far back as I can remember. The ability of the human mind to create new technological and scientific inventions in order to improve the standards of the life we know answers the questions about the higher purpose of our minds.

I believe that education is the most important asset and quality of a man and one should attempt his best to acquire it. As the top student of my class for eleven years in a row, my family always encouraged me to become a doctor, but I had no interest in that field. I'm currently one semester away from holding my BSc degree in telecommunications engineering, this major has a direct impact on every living person today since communication plays a key role in all the development of activities ranging from economic to international relations. It's a diverse field of engineering and the work ranges from basic circuits design to strategic mass development.

As a senior student, I have chosen a challenging yet interesting field of research for my graduation thesis; it's related to Sound Source Localization. I'm building a prototype of a camera which is steered automatically by two motors based on the direction of sound arrival obtained by an array of microphones. I am seriously considering specializing in this field and further my research in it, and I am confident of contributing significantly to this field so that I can become one of the major contributors to it. The ability of localizing more than one sound source at the same time and reducing the complexity of computations in order to make real-time applications related to communications, security and many other fields is only possible if I continue my research through a Master Degree and a few years later by a PhD degree at one of the best Turkish academic institutions.

TUBITAK has represented Turkey in nearly all international science and technology cooperation activities. I am keenly interested in becoming a part of this leading agency. The 2215 - Graduate Scholarship Program for International Students is the golden opportunity to strengthen and enrich myself that I have waited my whole life for to achieve my long-term goal which is to put my footprints in the field of communications engineering through contributions of original ideas and translating those ideas to end applications and products. I have a strong desire to contribute significantly to the human society by using knowledge to serve the greater good and make people lives easier.

Sincerely,

Tariq Mahmoud

I appreciate your great help, i would not have done that without it
Thank you.

- This sentence is too long.I also think there is a better way of saying this. Let me try to edit it for you: ... specializing in this field and doing further research in it. I am confident of contributing,,, I can become one of the leading experts in this field.


- Upon further review, I believe that the sentence lacks some punch. Try to add some information about why you are interested in working at the agency in the future. That should help give the paragraph more focus.


- I believe you could better say this sentence this way: my long term goal of becoming a noted innovator in the field of.. .


- by contributing original ideas...

Sorry about the additional edits. This is how you build a competent essay. You review, edit, and change the content a number of times until you are personally confident that the paper is the best it can be :-) I hope you don't get irritated at having to do extra work ;-)

I am keenly interested in becoming a part of this leading agency; this position can provide a good opportunity toward establishing an independent research career

Is it better this way ?
I'm not irritated at having to do extra work at all, I'm glade actually because this will help me improving my writting abilities.

I hope that you are not irritated doing all that editing for me.

- ... part of this agency. I believe that working in a position within the agency walls will provide me with ...
- Just a slight correction there. I would also suggest that rather just delivering that simple statement, you try to enhance it with your visions of how you will be able to develop and independent research career there. Are there any notable persons there that you look forward to working with? Tell who they are and why you look forward to crossing paths with them. What legacy do you hope to leave with the agency when you move on to your independent career? You need to let them know that you intend to creating a lasting impression at the agency should they eventually allow you to work there.


- This then becomes your closing statement.

See if these changes work better in your opinion :-)