Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback on many essays in this thread. Your previous feedback has helped me greatly in building my own. I have now prepared a motivation letter for my application to TU Berlin University for Master Degree Program and would greatly appreciate it if you could evaluate it for me. I hope you have the time to review it and let me know if it is ready to be submitted.
MOTIVATION LETTER FOR CONSUMER SCIENCE MASTER PROGRAM
My passion for entrepreneurship was first ignited during my time as a Business Development Staff at ISIC Indonesia during my third year of university when I worked with restaurant owners to assist in the development of local F&B businesses. I remember visiting one of my clients and receiving words of encouragement from her - that my solutions worked very well for her business and that I would excel in this field - that small yet significant interaction then blossomed to become my passion for supporting SMEs growth in Indonesia. Upon graduation, I secured a role as Management Trainee at Kawan Lama Group - one of Indonesia's largest retail businesses. In the 7 months I was there, I received in-field experiences for B2B sales and marketing. However, in mid 2018, I wanted to be more in touch with small business founders and saw the potential in Indonesia's digital commerce, thus marking my pivot to Shopee. I wanted to be more hands-on and directly involved in the growth of SMEs in Indonesia.
Subsequently, I secured a position as a Relationship Manager, where I had the privilege of closely managing various entrepreneurs, including brand owners, importers, and big distributors, by providing consultation and strategies to help them scale up in the digital economic sector. One of my most rewarding experiences was managing Happyfit, a local sports brand that specialized in selling yoga equipment. I worked closely with the founder to understand their challenges and helped them develop a clear strategy to increase their sales and reach a larger customer base through digital platforms. It was an incredible feeling to see the business grow and achieve their goals, from selling only a few hundred pieces per month to becoming one of the biggest local sports brands in Indonesia. This experience not only helped me grow as a professional, but also gave me the opportunity to be promoted to a new role as Home Industry SMEs Project Leader, where I was responsible for improving the performance of a massive number of sellers.
Now, in my 5th year, I am leading a dedicated program aimed at growing a total of 15,000 home industries in remote areas. My focus is on educating these businesses on how to use the Shopee application, as well as operations and marketing, to help them expand in the digital sector. Through this project, I have discovered that many sellers in remote areas possess a basic understanding of online business, but lack the advanced business strategies and innovation necessary to grow significantly and adapt to current economic situations. I believe that the modules available at IMES TU Berlin, such as Strategic Management and Innovation Management, would provide me with the necessary knowledge and skills to address this challenge. These modules would equip me with the tools to analyze and understand the market, identify opportunities for growth, and develop and implement effective strategies for business expansion. Furthermore, the emphasis on innovation in these modules would enable me to bring new and creative solutions to the table, which would be crucial in helping these small businesses stay competitive in today's rapidly changing marketplace.
In conclusion, my passion for entrepreneurship and supporting SME growth has been a driving force throughout my career. The experiences I have gained working with small business owners, as well as my dedication to improving my skills, have prepared me for the next step in my career. I am confident that the modules available at IMES TU Berlin, such as Strategic Management and Innovation Management, will provide me with the knowledge and skills necessary to address the challenges faced by small home industries in remote areas and support their growth and success. I am eager to continue my journey of supporting SMEs and am excited about the opportunity to continue my education at IMES TU Berlin.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,881 4564
Thank you for your kind words. I hope I can help you with this post of yours as well. Here I go.
Reverse the presentation to identify your professional motivating factors first. This will require you to change the presentation format of the 3rd paragraph to make it the opener instead. That should be the hook of the essay because it contains your future plans after completing your studies.
The 4th paragraph is a redundancy in terms of content. You even mentioned the same module twice. Consider deleting this paragraph and presenting a 3 paragraph motivational letter instead. It will remove the redundancy.
If you wish to, you may instead close with a 4th paragraph that explains your motivation to study overseas rather than in your home country. What would you say was the compelling educational difference between the two countries? That will cover the academic motivation. You have only represented the career motivation so far.
Do not forget to reference the motivating factor that led you to choose Berlin and Germany as your study location as well. The strongest conclusion is usually the one that shows a strong social development reason for the choices made.