Dear friends, please help me with this letter.
"I am interested in applying for MSc in Human Resource Management Program for autumn 2014. This program is a solid step towards my future career as a professional in Human Resource Management. And I think that my educational and practical background will help me to do that better.
At the end of 2012, I graduated from Syrian Virtual University, Syria and hold a Bachelors degree in Information Technology. In the four years undergraduate program I studied various materials relating to diverse aspects of business such as marketing, accounting and financial, leadership and management and e-commercial. Actually, my attention in human resource management began clearly when I joined to SKILLS (superior knowledge by intensive labour learning schemes) program.
SKILLS is an initiative launched by the Syrian Enterprise & Business Centre (SEBC) and the European Training Foundation (ETF) in cooperation and support of the EU Delegation in Damascus. Fortunately, I was one of the eighty students who have been carefully selected to join this venture during 2011. During six months of intensive courses and practical training at the hands of experts in business, I have become eligible with creative skills in general management, human resource management, customer care, quality management and more. As a result, my graduation project was the best one and I got the best grade in the behavior and participation.
In practice, I worked for two years for the directorate of finance of Ar-raqqa, Syria. Lately, I am working as a reservation handler for a travel agency in Beirut, Lebanon. Through my work, I had earned a real experience and developed extra skills in communication and dealing with people. Indeed, Neuro Linguistic Programming Diploma obtained in 2011 helped me a lot to understand people better. All of this increased my passion for this area and drove me to look for an opportunity to study human resource management in more specialized academic way.
I believe that a postgraduate study will be a milestone in my career along with invaluable experiences that will allow me to become a successful, creative professional and assist me in accomplishing my goals. My decision to pursue graduate in the United Kingdom is underscored by my desire to be a part of the graduate program at your institution which perfectly matches with the field of my interest. By working under the guidance of distinguished faculty, I shall certainly be able to exploit my potential to the fullest.
I would therefore, feel obliged to be able to secure admission in your prestigious university with full financial assistance and pursue my M.S. program. I am sure that I will match all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards at your university."
You do a great job showcasing your accomplishments. Your essay also has a good flow as well. It doesn't feel choppy and I didn't come across anything that took me out of the experience of reading your essay. Great work. As far as improvements, I think a major element that is missing is why you are motivated to attend the university or why you have selected this particular field of study. I see your accomplishments, but I don't see how they have inspired you. What is it exactly about Human Resource Management that excites you? What are the goals that you wish to accomplish through studying Human Resource Management? I also think you should mention what interests you about the university you are applying for. What makes their program special? Why are you applying to this particular university? I hope this feedback serves you well. Best of luck.