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Study Plan for Canadian study permit - application letter to the Visa Officer


Hi friends, I am applying for my first study permit in Canada scholarships. I need to write a clear study plan for my application. Could anyone please help me to correct my essay or some ideas to write it better? Thank you all very much. I appreciate any helps from you.

Here is my study plan:
Dear Visa Officer
 
I am the applicant Vu Khanh Linh. At present, I am currently a student at Hult International Business School in San Francisco Campus majoring International Business Administration. During more than 2 years at Hult, I was awarded with 10% tuition fee scholarship for each year. After spending few years studying in United Kingdom and United States, I started searching for a university in another country that could provide me with other prospects business environments and my search ended at Capilano University - Canada - the country of peace and rapid development. In July, I received the offer of Capilano University for Business Administration Program with a successful transfer of 60 credits from my previous studies at Hult International Business School, and now I am writing to apply for a student permit to finish my bachelor degree in your esteemed country.

Since early stage of life, I already had a chance to develop and challenge my leadership skill. From primary to high school, I always had been president of student council and had received Kim Dong award for my leadership skill in Hai Phong, Vietnam. Being a team leader and managing many school events had helped me to grow and enhance my leadership skill as well as communication and time management ability.
Over past 5 years, studying in London (UK) and San Francisco (US), I have grown my strong passion for marketing and international business. During my time at school, learning new theoretical concepts as well as practical case studies has given me great knowledge of business and marketing. I have also done lots of jobs concerning marketing research of students and applied for some research topics for students. Particularly interested in marketing, I always try to find any opportunity to apply my theoretical skill, and test my creative side. I was a member of film and media club at school, and one of the most achievement projects we have done is creating the marketing video for Hult campus in San Francisco. I also helped to organize the International Culture Day for all Vietnamese students in school. These experiences have been extremely rewarding and productive. Through planning marketing project, running events combined with great knowledge from classes, I have learned to utilize my knowledge, skill and promote my innovative idea. I believe Capilano is my best destination for me to explore the different business concepts as well as different business environments, which could enhance and expand my knowledge about international business prospective.
  
I appreciate my parents, who gave me best education all the while. From primary school, secondary school to high school, I studied at top schools in my hometown. And I also have had a chance to study abroad in countries that have great education systems. It not only provided me with favorable education environment and excellent teaching faculty but also enabled me to know lots of knowledgeable and promising classmates. I have many classmates studying abroad in various countries of the world, encouraged by whom, as well as driven by my intensive thirst for pursuing more knowledge and sensing distinctive cultures and prospect business partners, I long for studying abroad. My motherland Vietnam boasts a long history of 4,000 years; but it still needs lots of improvements and innovation in term of business operation. As a major of Business Administration, I understand deeply what needed to be done for Vietnam's businesses to keep up with the fast race of international competitors, and I have got affection towards the mainland of our country.
In the 21st century, Vietnam is in face of infinite opportunities and challenges; definitely, business will play a significant role in the future development of the society. How to make cosmetic organizations keep pace with the international development and how to absorb advanced technology experience in western countries and combine it with the domestic status quo to work out proper guideline and principles suitable for quality business have become problems calling for great attentions and urgent solutions.
Now that I notice the large developing space, I earnestly hope to further study the program of Business Administration offered by Capilano University in your renowned country, which will be not only a kind of extension of my major study but also a perfect way for me to develop a brand new angle based on the original area. Should I bring in advanced experience of business administration abroad to our country and devote myself to the construction of Vietnam, I suppose, it will be of great value and meaning in my lifetime.
  
Now I submit my application with full confidence in the hope of getting a study permit. Many thanks for your kind consideration!

Hi Linh, here's my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- I am the applicant Vu Khanh Linh. (No need to re-introduce yourself inside the essay. I am sure that VISA officer has his/her own data about you in the separated sheet/application form.)
- After spending few years studying in the United Kingdom and the United States, I started searching for a university in another country that could provide me with other prospects business environments prospects and eventually, my search ended I have finally found at Capilano University in Canada, the country of peace and rapid development.
- In July, I received the an unconditional offer of from Capilano University for to study Business Administration Program with a successful transfer of 60 credits from my previous studies at Hult International Business School, and now I am writing to apply for a student permit....

2nd paragraph:
- Since early stage of my life, I already had a.....
- From primary to high school, I always had been selected as a president of student council and had received Kim Dong award for my leadership skill in Hai Phong, Vietnam.

3rd paragraph:
- Over the past 5 years, studying in London (UK) and San Francisco (US), I have grown enhance my strong passion for marketing and international business.

4th paragraph:
- And Moreover, I also have had a chance to study abroad in countries... (avoid using "and" in the beginning of the sentence. This makes your essay looks less formal)

As you can see Linh, you can continue proofreading and revising your essay by considering my feedback above. Good luck in doing that :)
Aug 6, 2016   #4
Hi Sandy Vu! Welcome to Essay Forum! I think you have a great start to your essay. I really like how formal and academic your essay is. You seem to have a good command of the language and, while there are errors, all of your sentences are easy to understand.

I'd suggest that you talk more about your goals. I think adding in more information about what your educational/ career goals are and how the school can help you achieve them will be really beneficial for your essay. When I think of a study plan, I think of goals and a plan to achieve them.

I am the applicant Vu Khanh Linh. agree with Mochtar here, although many other writers here on EF start their essay in the same way. It just feels awkward to me.

At present, I am currently a student at Hult International Business School in San Francisco Campus

During more than 2 years at Hult, I was awarded with 10% tuition fee scholarship for each year. This sentence is kind of awkward. Try something like: " During each year of studying at Hult, I have been awarded with a scholarship of ten percent of the tuition fee.

that could provide me with other prospects business environments what does "prospects business environments" mean?

and my search ended at Capilano University - Canada - the country of peace and rapid development. Mochtar makes a good edit here

Since From the early stages of my life,

I have already had a chance begun to developing and challenging my leadership skills. Though I'm not sure if challenging is appropriate here. It just feels awkward.

Each year from primary to high school, I have always had been elected president of the student council and had have received the Kim Dong award for my leadership skills in Hai Phong, Vietnam.

Being a team leader and managing many school events had has helped me to grow and enhance my leadership skill as well as my communication and time management abilities.

At this point in the essay, you have mentioned leadership skills a few times. However, you have never explained what those skills are or given an example of how you use those skills. Simply saying you have leadership skills is not strong enough to show the visa officers that you actually do have those skills. Try telling a story or explaining a situation in which you successfully used the skills you mention

Unfortunately, I have to go now, as something has come up. I plan to come back later and finish giving you all my edits and feedback. Take care!
  Closed ✓


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