Introspection poem criticism

I don't know where to start,
I said it all in my mind with a tune
I'm tryna spit it out, but I'm stuck in these fumes
"My character's rigged" I'll write on my tomb

I had so much to say, but can't write it down
I'm writing this behind a copy, breaking bounds
In the middle of the night I woke up to look around
I guess I tried to see if I finally woke up
But at the foot of same old trick, myself I found

It's been a while since I've written down what I felt
It's been a while since I've dared to break poetry's rules
But in its shadow I knelt and of it I dreamt
Now the meadows dry as hell,
and (there's)' a sign on my head that says "fool"

Now I miss the days I hated on myself
Cause atleast I got the work done,
Now I'm so arrogant I can't tell what I meant
Results and energy going down, and thoughts? Distant

When this play ends I'll come to your court
I don't know if the doors will open, or stay closed
I'll put my head down, fall to the ground, my last hope
I'll apologise from the bottom of my heart and
I'll ask you to bless everyone on the path
And I'll have travelled all this far,
Just to ask you "did I loose" or
Was this your plan from the start?

Now I'm signing off, thirtieth of July 'twenty four,
My parents made it this far just for me to be called a fool
Mums on the phone talking about "depression" and goals
Now about, how tables turned and they're on opposite poles

A great deal of thought was put into the writing of this poem. You have really put your sense of fragility out for the public to see. The way that you are crippled by a mental block at the start of writing this indicates to me that you are uncertain as to whether this is something you really want to do or not. Perhaps there were concerns that were stopping you from writing what you truly felt? It certainly felt that way to me. Was there some self-doubt involved in your writing process? It would appear that way from the way certain passages were written. Basically, this is you at your most open and vulnerable state that allows the reader to get to know the side of you that is hidden away from society.

@Holt Thank you! Yeah, I was writing this behind a notebook that is usually left open around the house which is what was stopping me from truly writing what I wanted to write since in my head, I was contemplating the possible outcomes of, "if" someone accidentally read it. And there was definitely some amount of self-doubt involved but while I was writing it, I didn't just want it to be about self-doubt.