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poem on war


ZZsleepyZZ 1 / 1  
Apr 14, 2010   #1
hi! little help here? please!? a thousand thanks!
i have to write a poem on war, i was trying to depict the horror of war, so its a bit depressing
this is what i got is it any good and can i fix it a bit. (no title yet though)

With the night passed a sorrowful blackness.
The greens and reds, the browns and amber-tinted,
The troughs and hills, the rivers and streams,
Had changed to shadows in one night.

In the distant landscape set purling upon roads' feet,
Out stretching and retiring the cold and fogs on the earth.
Resting and trembling, the army begins to awaken
At hostile noises, growing from campfires.

Reluctantly, low eyes passed to see,
Across which revealed low hills of corpses.
Were it banks of liquid mud could eyes cast,
Become gleams of eagerness, once more?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 16, 2010   #2
a thousand thanks!

I want 1,250 thanks, or the deal's off!

amber-tinted what?
The greens and reds, the browns and amber-tinted, amber tint
I would change it to amber tint.

Resting and trembling, the army begins to awaken
At To hostile noises, (growing from campfires--what does this part mean?).

What do you mean by "low eyes"...?
Reluctantly, low eyes passed to see
Across which revealed low hills of corpses.

I don't understand this part either:
Were it banks of liquid mud could eyes cast,
Become gleams of eagerness, once more?

I can tell you have a great sense of rhythm for poetry... all you have to do is work on making the reader experience what you want him to experience. That requires simplification, reduction... say only what you can say in a way that will be unerstood how you want it to be understood.

If you try to capture concepts that require more explanation than you are going to give, it gets ambiguous... and ambiguit does have its place in poetry, but only if it is deliberate. I advise you to simplify your ideas so that the reader can understand exactly what you mean... not always, ut just a little right now as an exercise.

:-)


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