ellabella 1 / 1 May 30, 2009 #1I have writen 2 senses poems and i need help editing them. could somebody pick which one they like the best and help me to edit it to make it betterthe example my teacher gave me is:BirthdaysBirthdays are red, yellow, and orangethey sound like children laughingthey taste like sugary frostingBirthdays smell like melting wax and blown out candlesthey look like balloons and smilesBirthdays make people feel special insidethe ones i wrote have no titles yet but i still need help.Summer is yellowIt sounds like children splashing in waterIt tastes like melting icecreamSummer smells like salt waterit looks like families having funSummer makes you feel happythe other one i wrote is about winterWinter is white and blueit sounds like teeth chatteringit tastes like hot chocolateWinter smells like Burning woodit looks like families getting closerWinter makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986 May 30, 2009 #2I personally prefer the summer poem. I like all of your metaphors, although "families having fun" is a bit vague. Try to come up with something more specific, such as families engaging in a particularly summery activity.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491 May 30, 2009 #3You might also revise your similes to make sure they all serve the unifying point in the last line. For instance, "teeth chattering" and "burning wood," while perfectly acceptable standalone sense imagery, do not particularly lead to feeling "warm and fuzzy inside." Your summer poem works better in this regard than the winter one, though I really like the notion of winter as a season that makes you feel warm inwardly, despite the outer cold.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986 May 30, 2009 #4Good point about the discordant imagery ... that's what was bothering me about the winter poem, now that I think about it.
OP ellabella 1 / 1 Jun 1, 2009 #5thanks so much ill try to make them better. you guys really saved me because i couldnt figure out what was wrong and now i know :) thanks a bunch