AAS - answering the question about a challenge and change implementation. Scholarship essay

I have an essay that needs all your comments and inputs and feedback plss. Let me know what you guys think pls.

The question is :

How have you contributed to solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform?

Be specific and include:
-what aspect/s of your leadership knowledge, skills and practice you consider to be well established and effective;
-which people or organisations you worked with to solve the problem;
-and what creative methods were used.):

My answer:
As a Human Resource Officer, I was tasked to work on an annual best staff award for Ministries and State Owned Enterprise under the Office of the President. This is to be presented during Christmas/New Years Eve Celebration at the State House. The problem is that for 5 consecutive years, we've been using the same certificate template and wordings. So, I come up with an idea of creating a new template that will not only be a piece of congratulatory paper, but also as a form of motivating the staffs to maintain their outstanding performances. But, before the template can be used, it has be approved first by the Best Staff Committee, Secretary for the Ministry of Public Service (MPS) and finally Secretary to Cabinet, which is quite a challenge for me. The new template was complete which I proudly produce myself using Microsoft word office and so I presented it first at a committee meeting consisting of 1 representatives from each Ministry and SOE. I presented the certificate with enthusiasm and extreme confident to the committee. I even compared the old template and the new one. At the end of the meeting, I managed to convinced the committee that it is about time we changed the template into a more modern and new template along with its wordings. The committee commented positively and totally agree on the new wording inserted into the new template "Employee of the Year", as well as the whole new design of the certificate. Furthermore, I set up an appointment with Secretary MPS while working very closely with Assistant Secretary to MPS. I presented the new template to Secretary and even allow time for him to make comments and inputs, if he has any. Mr Secretary has minor comments but these can be considered next year and so he suggests that I now seek Secretary to Cabinets final approval. Finally, again I managed to convince Secretary to Cabinet and she totally supports the new template in which she signed off all the certificates that were to be used at the State House.

The actual problem solving skill that is required in this essay is more complicated than what you presented. You need to show a leadership accomplishment far more complicated than a simple template problem. In fact, the reviewer will not even consider the approval of a template a leadership problem. Expect to lose out on the scholarship if you use this response because it will not hold up to the competition. Your competitors will be of highly qualified competencies and leadership roles in their own offices. They will have experiences in relation to true problem solving requirements in their offices. Situations that will require them to come out of their comfort zone to find a solution to the problem. They will be facing real obstacles at the office that could spell the success or failure of a project or undertaking. Situations that could say, cause a business to go bankrupt, result in the failure of a merger, or force the cancellation of a project. Events that would truly impact their careers if they fail to resolve a situation or complication. Your essay does not do any of that.

I strongly urge you to write a new essay. Based on the information I provided above, I am sure you can remember a time when you were truly challenged at your office and forced to show your leadership skills. Think of a time when you impressed your superiors with a your problem solving skills in a real dire situation. That is how you should approach the response to the essay. Look at the prompt again, the discussion requirements are not really reflected in your response. It just won't work when compared to the other applicants responses to the prompt.

@She1194
AAS has prioritize some field for scholarships and focus mostly on national issues, public issues rather than personal issues. I think the challenge you have presented here is one aspect only which you could use as example to support your problem solving skills, presentation skills. It is more of one personl problem only. I want you to bring up more important issue that i think you are quite well-known and include above challenges as example or supporting point.