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Scholarship essay on academic objectives and how they'd be relevant for my long term goal. 100 words

lobodobo 2 / 4 1  
Nov 27, 2020   #1
The full question is-

Describe your academic objectives and indicate how these are appropriate to your long-range goals.

Please include specifically how a Bachelor's degree from the University of Toronto will contribute to your achieving your longer-range goals.

My answer is-
"I plan on pursuing Computer Science from the University of Toronto. My long-term goal is to create cyber-security systems because it is inevitable that the world is going to indulge more and more into the internet and technology as a whole and virtual security will keep becoming ever more important. Academically, I am determined to broaden my knowledge about computers and that is my primary goal but, proof of knowledge is vital too, and a degree at the University of Toronto is a perfect blend of world-class programs and the well deserved world-class recognition."

I'm not sure if this is good enough. Any points on how I could improve this would be appreciated.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,311 3348  
Nov 27, 2020   #2
It is not good enough. You have to create a more informative statement response so that you can deliver the required information as required by the prompt. Your academic objectives are non existent. A reference to broadening your knowledge as your primary goal does not create an impression, only a general statement that all the other applicants will be using. A clear academic goal has to do with your passion to achieve your target career. Your academic objective should indicate:

Sentence 1: Your academic objective ( what is your career goal?) and what subjects the university teaches which will help you achieve that goal
Sentence 2: Why you believe the major you chose at the university is exactly the course you have to take to achieve your ambition. (training, subjects, internships, etc.)

Sentence 3: What makes the university different from the others in your country or in Canada? Why do you believe this university offers the best course curriculum in relation to your academic goals?

These sentence placements and guide questions are only meant as a reference point. These are the information the statement needs to present. You may use more sentences if needed, but the presentation should only be a coherent and cohesive statement composed of a single paragraph.
OP lobodobo 2 / 4 1  
Nov 27, 2020   #3
Thanks for replying! Ok, so from what I've understood, you're saying that my essay was too general correct? Can I send another draft here?

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