Hello everyone! I am applying for KGSP Scholarship for Graduate Degree and I need to write a letter of self-introduction. I have never tried writing one and I am not good in writing so it bothers me a lot. Please help me improve my essay. Thank you in advance!
The instruction was to write about:
1) Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
2) Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
3) Your motivations for applying for this program and
4) Reason for study in Korea
And here's my essay...
"Once you stop learning, you start dying."
This famous statement has become my guiding principle in life. Since young, my parents have instilled in me the value of education that is why I always find joy in learning new things. From elementary to high school, I have always been among the top ten percent of students. I graduated cum laude (converted GPA, 4.5/5.0) from Central Mindanao University, one of the most prestigious universities in the Philippines. The knowledge, skills and experiences I have acquired in the past have strengthened my point of view. I have become a strong and optimistic person despite the uncertainties in life.
I was 15 when I entered college. As far as I can remember, I studied Agriculture because of my personal experiences growing up in a middle class family. Our financial struggles have urged me to secure a degree and a well-paying job. During those challenging times, our small farm has greatly helped us secure food and additional income for the family. Also, both my parents were graduates of agriculture. My father was an agricultural technologist while my mother was a rural extensionist. I was a witness of how important agriculture is to people.
Living away from home was a big challenge and it made me become more responsible and independent. Struggles of balancing academic and extracurricular activities helped me develop good time management habits. During my third year, I took the lead in organizing social, cultural and community service events in the university town. I was also a member of an extension club where I volunteered doing community services like free vaccination to animals. Through these involvements, I have developed good leadership skills and learned to mingle with a variety of people. I spent my internship months at the University Projects where I was able to put into practice my knowledge in poultry, swine, and small and large ruminants. During those times, I was able to participate in the daily activities in the farm, diagnose and treat diseases of animals, assist veterinarians during surgeries and attend to the needs of the animals. My thesis months were the most challenging. Aside from lack of financial resources, my patience was tested when procurement of experimental materials got delayed. Fortunately, I have started coordinating in advance because I have anticipated things might not come out in favor of the scheduled date. But still I was thankful because I was able to collaborate with Philippine Carabao Center at CMU, a government agency recognized for its conservation and propagation of water buffalos as important source of milk and meat. In the end, my proactive mind and hard work have paved the way for me to graduate with honor.
Months after graduation, I passed the licensure exam. I decided to work at a government office and landed as an extensionist at ______. I teach Swine Nutrition and Artificial Insemination to farmers, businessmen and fellow extensionists. I also develop plans for a sustainable agriculture and provide technical consultations. At the same time, I am also the center's manager for trainings and assessments on Animal Production (Swine) NC II. Also, I am working with the Bureau of Agriculture & Fisheries Standards on the creation of the Good Animal Husbandry Practices for Swine Production. I have attended countless trainings, seminars and conventions related to agriculture that equipped me the knowledge which I am sharing to our clients. All of these have become invaluable work experiences to me and it helped me develop a strong work ethic and sense of commitment. I feel very fortunate and proud that through my job, I am able to help produce food and enhance the quality of life of livestock producers because for me, the essence of life is being able to contribute to the society you are living in. During this three-year period of working with diverse personalities and powers, I have acquired good communication skills and adaptability in a foreign environment. However, the same experiences have made me realize that there is so much more to learn because not all that I have learned can explain some real life scenarios. The more answers I have given, the more questions I have left unanswered. Which is why I decided to pursue a master's education.
I believe studying abroad will provide more opportunity to enhance my talent and explore much diverse ideas, and to appreciate life from a different perspective. I have chosen South Korea because it is one of the strongest biotechnology nation globally, leading Asia Pacific in research and development industry. Also, Korean government supports the acquisition of core technologies and development of biotechnology infrastructure. Seoul National University has also left me a strong impression as the leading research university of the country. I have read that their developments have played important roles in the advancement of the nation. With state-of-the-art facilities and highly skilled professors, I am certain that SNU's Agricultural Biotechnology Program will quench my thirst for further education and equip me the skills necessary to help more people.I think your essay is good but I cannot determine whether you are writing a goal of study or self-introduction with the hope of obtaining a scholarship. If you are doing the latter, you should first write about yourself, your educational background and work experiences. Then, you may elaborate your proposal as a subject of research and as to how it is related to the development you are aiming when going back to your country
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Florina, you need to revise this essay to be more prompt responsive. Remember that you will not get a chance at a formal physical interview so you need to get across as much pertinent information as you can to the reviewer through this letter of introduction. That means, you must balance the way you present your information in the manner required by the prompts. You can start editing the essay by removing the famous quote and summary of your academic "achievements" at the start of the essay. Those will be better discussed later on in the appropriate prompt within the letter.
I have found that your essay does not fully develop your personal background. Instead of using that "famous quote" in the essay, explain instead how your parents and your relationship with your siblings influenced your point of view about life. What life lessons did your parents teach you that you feel will guide you for the rest of your life? Do you have any hopes, dreams, and aspirations for yourself and your family?
As for your education and work experience in relation to the program, try to concentrate on presenting only the events that led to your graduating "With Honors". Try not to discuss too many details of your life experience in college. That is not the information the reviewer wants to read about. What he needs to know is how you excelled as a college student. So the statement you made at the beginning about the value of an education comes in at this point. More importantly, you should explain why you believe that the KGSP program can specifically support your desire for a masters degree in this particular course. You will need to do research regarding the agricultural aspect of the program in order to properly respond to this question.
The reviewer already knows that you are financially challenged so there is no need to keep repeating that information throughout the essay. One thing the reviewers dislike very much is the often repeated information in a presentation because it comes across as the student playing the "pity card" too much. Tone it down. Say it once then do not repeat it again.
It would be better for the essay if you can separate your motivation for applying to this program from your reason for studying in Korea. Since those are 2 separate prompts, you should also discuss the topics separately. Develop the explanation fully because single sentences do not really qualify as justifications for motivation to apply for this program. By the way, don't say "studying abroad" because that is a generic term. You have to discuss your motivation for applying to the program. Don't confuse that with the reason you want to study in Korea. Those are 2 different topics for discussion.
These guidelines should help you develop a better focused response to the prompt that will not bore the reviewer with too much unrelated information. Even though you have 2 pages to complete this essay, you should make sure that it is 2 pages of accurate information that truly introduces you, in the required manner, to the reviewer.
