My answer to - How did you select your planned program and institution

Hi,
I try to answer the question in my Scholarship Application. The question is "How did you choose your proposed course and institution".
Please give me your opinion & review.
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most innovative university

In 2012, Indonesian government had decided to develop computer-oriented Health Management Information System (HMIS) in order to provide an evidence-based data collection. This idea had been supported by Health Information Systems (SIK) Roadmap 2011-2014 and Government Regulation Number 46 Year 2014 in which mentioned the importance of ICT to improve the HMIS and to reach the successful eHealth system. As mentioned on the Indonesian SIK roadmap, the system must be synchronized from Local until National Governance. I believe the nearest challenge for the next 5 years is developing rigid foundation of computerized IS and merges it with the existing IS. Hence, I assume that we need many competent practitioners to be the successor of this program.

To be a qualified practitioner, I need a course which address important issues in IS implementation for Health sector and must also expound relevant solutions to tackle any possible problems which probably arise therefrom. Moreover, I also have to learn how to deploy strategic decision in this field.

The University of Melbourne is my first institution priority because it is the most renowned university in Australia and Ranked #33 in the world making a clear statement about its global recognition which is very beneficial for students that seeking global experience. I have read the syllabus about my proposed field and I have analyzed courses that are offered on the website. I deduce this institution very promising for me because the offered courses explore thoroughly about skills and knowledge that I need. IS Strategy and Governance is the example of courses that I'm sure will support my desire of study. On my second preference is the University of Sidney because I believe this institution has great education & research quality which is proven with its predicate as #1 in Australia for Asia's most innovative universities. More importantly, this institution also offers course about implementation of IS in health sector.

Bagu, aside from the government requirement that you discussed in great detail, you must also present information regarding your own occupation and how it relates to the government program. For example, you can explain that your current position in the hospital or agency where you work requires that all employees in related fields to the government program must undergo additional training and education in order to prepare for the system migration. That would make an excellent explanation as to how and why you chose the course. The government program becomes the basis the basis of your decision to choose to study this course.

While your reasons for opting for the University of Melbourne are detailed and related to your course, you should remove the reference to the world ranking because that is not one of the prime factors to choose a university. The same goes for your second choice university which by the way, should be discussed as a separate paragraph and discussed with regards to the difference it has, course and syllabus wise from the University of Melbourne. Your current discussion for the second university is too simple, lacking in content, and makes it sound like you don't really consider attending that university as a real option would you not get into your first choice university.

@Holt
There are some points I'd like to discuss here:
1. This essay is limited 2000 chars, so if I want to add another information then I need to remove another else. In your opinion, which part of information that you think are less-important and can be replaced by the information about my current occupation?

2. Certainly I'm quite confused about my second preference. I know the university of Sidney is great, but I think Melbourne is better somehow. I can't exactly answer the question of why is Melbourne better in your opinion? I mean how to answer it without making any negatives impression to the reader?

In order to work within the 2000 character limit, you will just need to summarize the government policy that relates to the reason why you chose to enroll in this masters class. The way you have it presented now is too vivid and inclusive of all information related to it. The only information that you have to mention is the name of the policy, that it is a national policy, that you work somewhere that requires you to comply with it, and that you need to get additional training in order to do your job properly. You can probably do that in about 1000 characters. Leaving you with 1000 to discuss the university choices.

About the university choices. There is always a difference between the teachings of the universities. You do not need to say anything negative about your first choice in order to make your second choice look good. You just have to tell the reviewer what elements of the second university attracted you to opt for it as your second university choice. You can keep the positive description of the first university that way. There is no need to say anything negative. You can say something positive about both schools. That is all you need to do. Don't do a university comparison. That is why I asked you to discuss each in a separate paragraph. It is when you do a university comparison that you end up saying something negative about one or the other university.