Scholarship application essay - demonstrating outstanding ability to lead

I remember the first night. They were kicking out the dinner crowd. It was almost midnight and I had a belly full of fried-egg and rice, stale donuts and weak coffee. I smiled nicely at a short boy, maybe 17, on the outskirts of a small crowd. He invited me to a dark corner. While smoking he discovered I had not planned where to sleep that night. His friend had one more night in a Surrey basement suite, and I was welcome to join them. I was 15, a year too young for shelters, so I accepted.

We arrived and it was tiny. A six-by-six living area/kitchen, a bathroom, and a small bedroom. The short boy was quiet, browsing a magazine. The one with the suite was an extrovert. He'd been on the street for two years before renting this suite with his girlfriend two months before. The third, tall, cooked bacon. I sat nervously among the laughing boys for an hour before the tall one insisted on sleeping. He was enrolled in an adult program and had to visit his school early the next afternoon. The extrovert showed me how to lock the bedroom door before lying down in the living area with the other boys.

I have a strange faith in human potential, and am unable to ignore the injustices which limit that potential in many Canadians. The culture of my school reminds me of the centre where I met those boys two years before. The students support each other in their daily struggle to remain on par with the rest of the world, but they rarely discuss their circumstances.

It took eight-months of talking everyday - addressing issues one-by-one, insisting fellow students and teachers make credible arguments - before I felt I had accomplished anything. I discussed things most often with one of my schools youth workers, and anyone who passed by during those conversations. Eventually she chose to start a weekly discussion group, and I helped her round up students. We found eight willing to participate.

The discussion turned to poverty. A student commented on the "negative energy of hobos'" that kept them from improving their lives. The room was silent. I asked him if he had considered any forces other than personal intent which might contribute to poverty. He said no. The girl beside me spoke. She's a single mother of two who just got fired. She will not receive welfare for a month, and has no money for groceries. Other students began to speak.

INSTRUCTIONS:
300-500 word essay, detailing one most important activity to date and how that will help me make a difference in the university and the world.

The essay should demonstrate my "character and ability as an outstanding leader." (either leading directly or by example)

The scholarship is awarded primarily based on this essay, and it is a major entrance scholarship at my university of choice.

I need to work on the last paragraph still. I'm entering into a coordinated arts program, and I think part of my essays focus is going to be on my boldness and my relentless inability to shut my mouth when I probably should, because usually something ought to be said. In the program I think I can be a leader through my demonstrated understanding of interpersonal relations, and that I will encourage a more vivid student culture within that program (A "social or relations leader") by openly and intelligently debating issues that I feel strongly about and have personally effected me.

I (obviously) was on and off the street for awhile. I've always been poor and have not had many opportunities for typical leadership (student council, sports teams, major projects) but I've never "known my place," and I think that is my strength as a leader. I want to go and study Social Psychology, and try to improve public policy to make our nation more fair.

The main things I need help with are:
- any suggestions as to where I can cut down words
- alternative ways of wording the sections in bold
- the transition in the 3rd paragraph: I was on and off the street for a year before going back to school. I had been at the school 8 months before that discussion. I had been trying to get people talking every day I went to school in that period.

- does this essay make any sense to you?
- paragraph 3 just sucks.
- does this stand out and get your attention?
- how can I improve the language and style
- is this totally off subject?
- should I trash the first half?

This essay is in its earliest stage (I started working on it yesterday) and I need lots of suggestions. I really need this scholarship and I think I've got a chance, as long as I can work out this essay. I have a difficult time answering the question.

I will probably be posting the last paragraph early next week, but any suggestions are welcome.

Most important is getting the word count down. I believe I have 421 words so far. I need to really focus the essay on how this transfers to university because I think that's what they really care about.

I remember the first night. They were kicking out the dinner crowd. It was almost midnight and I had a belly full of fried-egg's and rice, stale donuts and weak coffee. I smiled nicely at a short boy, maybe 17 ,"who looked about 17", on the outskirts of a small crowd. He invited me to a dark corner. While smoking he discovered I had not planned where to sleep that night. His friend had one more night in a Surrey basement suite, and I was welcome to join them. I was 15, a year too young for shelters, so I accepted.

We arrived and it was tiny. A six-by-six living area/kitchen, a bathroom, and a small bedroom. The short boy was quiet, browsing a magazine. The one with the suite was an extrovert. He'd been on the street for two years before renting this suite with his girlfriend two months before. The third, tall, cooked bacon. I sat nervously among the laughing boys for an hour before the tall one insisted on sleeping. He was enrolled in an adult program and had to visit his school early the next afternoon. The extrovert showed me how to lock the bedroom door before lying down in the living area with the other boys.

I have a strange faith in human potential, and am unable to ignore the injustices which limit that potential in many Canadians. The culture of my school reminds me of the centre "center" where I met those boys two years before. The students support each other in their daily struggles to remain on par with the rest of the world, but they rarely discuss their circumstances.

It took eight-months of talking everyday -(do you really need this? probably better if you use a comma.) addressing issues one-by-one, insisting fellow students and teachers make credible arguments - (same here) before I felt I had accomplished anything. I discussed things mostlyoften with one of my schools youth workers, and anyone who passed by during those conversations. Eventually she chose to start a weekly discussion group, and I helped her round up students. We found eight willing to participate.

The discussion turned to poverty. A student commented on the "negative energy of hobos'" that kept them from improving their lives. The room was silent. I asked him if he had considered any forces other than personal intent which might contribute to poverty. He said no. The girl beside me then spoke. She'sShe talked about being a single mother of two who just got fired She will and about not receiveing welfare for a month,thus not having any money for groceries. Afterwards, Other students began to speak.

what is your main idea? start by givng a main idea in the beggining an reiterating it in the end. use topic paragraphs at the beggining of each paragraph. the content of the essay is good. A little more detail in the beggining would help. i found myself rereading to find out who the boys are, make it more descriptive.

After the 3rd paragraph explain what happened to the boys and how that experienced got you to where you are now. because you went from a past and personal experience, to what you are doing now, it made for a bad transition. in doing so, you get a better transition. keep wordage simple, dont confuse the reader. like my technical writing teacher tells me "people arent stupid, using big words dont make you seem smarter than you are" the scholarship people will understand

GOOD LUCK! ;)

No, don't trash the first part! But get rid of that weak first sentence. Then, start by telling:

(WHO?) started kicking out the dinner crowd.

and further down:

I spent eight months of talking everyday addressing issues one-by-one and insisting that fellow students and teachers make credible arguments. - before I felt I had accomplished anything.

The girl beside me spoke. She explained that she was the single mother of two who just been fired. She would not receive welfare for a month and had no money for groceries.

This story is compelling. The way to improve it is to take some time to let the reader know -- near the beginning -- what this is all about. You can start with the story, but pause somewhere near the beginning to tell the reader what the central meaning of the essay is. That way, the story will support the theme. The theme is like the moral of the story.

I had been at the school eight months before that discussion. I had been trying to get people talking about such-and-such every day. I went to school in that period .