I am applying for financial aid in order to continue my studies and get a Master degree.

Please!!! I need a help with my essay!!!

Why I need a financial aid?

I am applying for financial aid in order to continue my studies and get a Master degree.
I graduated from my undergraduate institution with positive marks. During my study I have shown myself as a diligent and motivated student, and responsible and determined person. I studied at the university for 4 years and I was in a budget group. This factor allowed me to focus only on my studies without thinking about earning money on my tuition. During my studies I had an experience of working as an English teacher at public schools and tutoring as a private teacher. My work as an English tutor gave me money for my expenses. According to law I should work as a teacher in public school for 2 years, because of my studying in a budget group. So, I got a job at public school, starting in September.

My family is a single-parent family- my mother is widowed, and I have one younger brother, who is going to graduate school next year. Additionally, due to some circumstances I am a single parent too. I have a little daughter and I try to earn on my daughter expenses on my own and not to burden my family.

It was at the end of my first year at the university when my father advised me to transfer from my university to the American University of Central Asia. We gathered the information about some nuances of transferring, when my family found out that my father had an impaired kidney function. My mother was a house-wife, so after my father's death I had no opportunity and even no wish to apply to anywhere. But three years passed fast and I am determined to get a quality education as we planned together with my father. Despite the university tuition is quite expensive, my family is ready to pay for a part of it.

Receiving financial aid will ease me the payment of tuition. It will also motivate me and give the opportunity to concentrate on my studies.
Thank you for considering my application.

Best regards,
Kanyshai Kasymova

Kanyshai, while your essay contains a desperate tone to it, there is a lack of proper representation of the reasons why you deserve the scholarship other than financial difficulties in your family. In order to improve your chances of getting the scholarship, you should just summarize the personal information and focus instead on offering academic and professional reasons you deserve the scholarship. For example, I believe that what you mean by being in the "budget group" is that you were a government scholar during your college years. Right? Please explain what the "budget group" is or better yet, just say that you were a government scholar so that the reviewer will not need to waste time figuring out how your college educational system works. Talk about your GPA and how you managed to maintain it during that time. Then discuss your professional career after and explain how your plans to study ties directly with your career plans and self-improvement. Highlight the fact that your experience as a previous scholar assures this scholarship foundation that you will be able to meet the demands of the scholarship and enhance their image through your continued action as a professional after you complete your masters degree. That way, when you discuss why you need financial aid, in the summarized form, you need to focus equally on your professional and personal reasons for requiring the aid. Since you mention that your family is willing to pay for part of it, mention how much they can contribute because the scholarship will not be a 100% grant. The foundation needs to know if your parents can match the donation they will be making towards your education.

Kanyshai, generally speaking, your essay is already very persuasive. I think it would be better if you take the following items into consideration,

1. demonstrate a strong movtivation to your field of study. Give one or two examples.
2. tell admission officer that you can make a unique or speical contribution to the faculty's research outcome or show you have a strong interest in their research direction. One good way to achieve this is to read through the faculty published papers and their research topics.

I honestly think that you should explain a bit further the situation that your family is currently experiencing. Your response is a bit "on the surface" and does not offer much reason behind why you need more financial resource. You need to explain with details the situation so that the financial aid advisers can better assist your specific needs.