I need input on the answer to question number one Australia Awards Scholarship, and my answer exceeded by 379 words, which part do you think I should delete? Thank you so much.
Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
The number of data breach cases in Indonesia is three times more than in Australia. According to the Office of the Australian Information Commissioner (OAIC), there were 262 cases of data breach, where Indonesia has 945 cases of data breach. It happens because Indonesia does not yet have primary legislation on personal data protection. In contrast, Australia already has clear and detailed regulations and procedures regarding personal data protection such as Australian Privacy Principle Guidelines, Freedom of Information Act and OAIC.
According to Allianz Risk Barometer, cyber incidents is the most critical business risk. Therefore, I am motivated to work in sub directorate of governance personal data protection in the Indonesian Ministry of Communication and Information Technology to create appropriate and detailed policies in Indonesia by studying Master of Cyber Security.
Macquarie University is my first preference to study Master of Information Technology in Cyber Security. It offers unique units of study Australia and Cyber Intelligence to understand Australia cyber principles and the role of cyber intelligence. Other than that, it also offers Cyber Security, Governance Frameworks and Ethics to have an ethical and legal responsibility to safeguard personal data. Moreover, it offers industry-based project, has many lecturers who research personal data protection, has the Global Leadership Program and located in Sydney, where Sydney is Australia's leading high tech precincts.
My second preference is to do Master of Cyber Security Management Specialisation at the University of Adelaide. It also offers industry-based project and exciting unit of study Policies and Procedures in Organisational Cyber Security that provides knowledge and skills to research policies and procedures as they develop and tailor them to specific industry needs. However, this program lacks technical knowledge about personal data protection, and lecturer research is centred on machine learning.
In conclusion, cybersecurity is always in the spotlight, and it is best to learn how to create personal data protection regulations and policies in Australia. By studying Master of Cyber Security at the Macquarie University or the University of Adelaide will enhance my knowledge and connect me with professional networks to help me reduce data breach cases in Indonesia.
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The problem with your response is that you wrote an essay instead of a statement. You gave too much attention to the background instead of directly responding to the questions provided. You could shorten the essay is you change your approach to a direct response statement instead.
You should eliminate your opening and closing statements. Those are not necessary in the course of the reviewer's reading just offer the required information immediately to remain within the word count. For both universities, you are just explaining the course coverage to the reviewer instead of connecting the course you have chosen at the university with a specific problematic area of cybersecurity in Indonesia. Connect the studies to the problem. That explains why you chose the course, and why you chose the university. You could say:
I chose University X because it offers the course XXX. This course will help me understand how the problem of XXXX occurs within the cybersecurity field. I will learn about XXXXXX which directly relates to the weakness of Indonesian cybersecurity due the frequency of data hacking in Indonesian banks. Of particular interest to me are the courses in XXXXXX which will help me build upon my existing training and skills in XXXXXXXX
Plain and simple direct response. That is a basic template that you can use to develop your own response statement. Just make sure you include the data I offered in the sample.