Dear Mr/Ms. Holt,
I hope you have time to read my second essay.
Please kindly review and give me feedback for the Australia Awards.
Thank you in advance.
How will the proposed study contribute to your career?
Because of the military government, Myanmar Education system has been criticized for its low budget, low-quality management, non-updated curriculum and discriminated opportunity to get a quality education. I did not know exactly this heartbreaking fact of how education system ruins thousands of students emotionally and technically until I became a teacher. When I was teaching my students, most of the students have no interest in their subjects and some do not even know what their passion is and are unaware of the power of education. I even had a student who wanted to commit suicide because of depression in her academic learning. After happening that accident in my school, I realize that our education system can neither provide a useful academic knowledge nor give a confidence, energy and hope to the students. I decided to broaden my knowledge and get higher degree so that I can save thousands of students' lives and dreams. The Master of Education - Leadership & Management curriculum will help me to change students' negative mindset and can make them dream big about the future. I also met a mother who drop out her son from school explaining with tears she did this because her son cannot get good grading. Using Psychological and techniques I learnt from the proposed course, I can also provide collaborative consultation to such parents who donot know how to raise their children to get the education of their children. I hope doing this can decrease the rate of drop-out students. As I will also use the methods and leadership skill that I learnt from the course to change the government's ineffective learning style in classroom by using curriculum which encourage on creativity, play, question and internet. . This course will allow me to support my students making them realize who they really are and who they want to be in life. As I also have a close contact with my students, I get to understand the discrimination they face by their teachers and by their students. I believe I can share many parents and teachers about child psychology and child right after graduating from this scholarship. Taking my master degree would not only benefit myself but also many teachers, students and parents across the country. A small plant can provide only a small shelter and small amount of fruits. I decided to be a great tree in which thousands of birds can rest, eat and have shelter.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,519 3442
It is too wordy. You have a limited set of characters with which to respond so you need to be clearer in your presentation of information. The most relevant response that you can present, in its totality, without having to use any other part of your current draft is:
Using Psychological ... parents across the country.
That particular section of your writing totally sums up how the study will contribute to your career. Fix your timeline reference though. Use future tenses as these events are yet to happen. Do not use any of the earlier and later parts of the essay. Just use this one section to represent a thorough and complete response. You do not need to spend time creating a scenario for the before and after studies aspect. Just present a response to the expected accomplishments you will be able to apply to your profession as a teacher after you complete the course.