I always believe in the power of networking. My answer on Chevening "Networking" Essay Question

Dear friends,
Here I present my essay on Chevening Networking Question. Please help me to review the content. Any comments will be very helpful.

I always believe in the power of networking. Even more so, in this modern era. Therefore, from my first year in University in 2010, I have already participated in ICE Monthly Technical Meeting, in order to build my network with international engineers around the world. They all came from America, Europe, Australia, even New Zealand. In every meeting, there will be 50 or more engineers gather. From the event, I get the chance to build relationship with them. I consistently went to the meetings for more than 2 years, and then we got the chance to start a student chapter, that is, ICE Student Chapter in 2013. It was the first ICE Student Chapter in Indonesia, and I got the chance to join their regular committee meetings. We started our plan on introducing ICE to Binus Civil Engineering students, and we also brought Binus Students the opportunity to share their internship report, final projects, etc. This program helped Binus students to introduce themselves and get the chance to work at multinational companies.

Study is more than just a degree. Instead, building relationship and network is one of the most important thing in study. So, I always participated in Student Body Organization ever since I started my college period. In 2013, I got the chance to be the Vice President of our Civil Engineering Student Body. And so I have the network to both my university and international engineers. By taking advantage of my networking, it became possible for us to held international events, with great speakers from around the world, thus, building a broader network.

In 2014, right after graduating, I got the chance to work in Bridge Engineering field, with strong connections to some national construction companies such as Wika, Waskita, and HK (Hutama Karya). Working together with several giant construction companies in Indonesia became the core power of my networking to both Indonesia senior and young engineers. Through several projects, I learned about Indonesia's Bridge Engineering state-of-the-art construction technologies, along with the challenges.

Becoming a part of Chevening community, I believe that global connections to future leaders and influencers is a huge advantage, which will be essential for my personal networking and career development. By having friends who shares the same ambition, I can learn from them and share my experience, to enrich and develop my leadership and networking skills.

I am committed to devote my time to maintain my networking in Chevening, thus building a stronger relationship. One way to do it is by attending events. I would also interact through social media such as LinkedIn, Facebook, etc. And I will also conduct trainings, seminars, workshops, and will invite some of Chevening fellows to share our knowledge and experience to Indonesia young people. Besides of maintaining relationship, this will bring global knowledge and insight to Indonesia.

Thank you very much.

Eng, I applaud you for properly referencing the method by which a college student can effectively create a network that can be impressive to a reviewer and also, present the fact that he has been building his professional network all along. Your work with ICE and the network that you created shows that you are still capable of maintaining and using those networks you created in college. Regardless of the amateur status of that network at the time, by the time you graduate, you had moved on to the more professional version of ICE, which is the important part of that story.

However, you seem to have dropped the ball when you spoke of your work experience after graduation. Since you worked with this company over several projects, why were you unable to present an equally impressive mode of network development as a part of your professional career development? That paragraph in particular leaves the reviewer wanting to know more and hoping to read about the advances or improvements you have made in terms of your network and your networking skills. Any chance we can look forward to such an improvement in the next draft?

@Eng Phin

I have read @Holt 's review and I have agreed with him, as well

my supplementation is that
1. in your second paragraph, your first and second sentences seemed going around the bush and waste word counts
2. You repeat the words "I got a chance too much" You can use its synonyms like opportunity, occasion, circumstance, moment and prospect.
3. So, I always participated in Student Body ----> So, I have always participated in Student Body
4. By having friendswho shares the same ambition---> By having friends who share the same ambition
5. I can learn from them and share my experience---> better---> we can learn together and share our experiences
6. I am committed to devote my time to maintain my networking in Chevening---> I am committed to devote my opportunity to maintain my networking with Chevening

7. to share our knowledge and experience to Indonesia young people ----> ... and experience to Indonesian adolescences/youth/teenagers