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Believing in dreams to accomplish great things

Parahat111 1 / 1  
Dec 24, 2016   #1
Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? (*) answer in 400-600 words

Believing in dreams

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, would not quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Well, no matter how difficult situation is, I claim myself as a second mouse who is always driven to find a path to success. And every single day I push myself to work hard and smart in everything I do, from academics to sports. I attempt to stay ambitious and hungry person to learn, to discover the world beyond obstacles. And right now I am facing amazing opportunity, UGRAD, a path to see the world beyond my own culture, tradition and meanwhile to be face of my own culture, customes in another part of the world.

One may wonder why I should be chosen instead of another person applying for this program. I am not going to tell you that I should be chosen since I am the best student in the world or for another pompous reason: that would only be a debatable, shallow answer. My answer will be simple, and yet meaningful. As you know, I decided to apply for this program to go to the USA that is far away from home and in a country where mostly everything is different; culture, language, people. Someone may say it is a great challenge but isn't the challenge that creates great journeys? Thus, I have always been quite a curious guy to learn more about people, their lifestyles, cultures, and traditions. Surely American culture, tradition, and diversity, history has been interesting and exciting for me since my childhood. Tell I will forget, show me I may remember but involve me I will understand. Only by living and being part of it, I will truly get an idea of American culture, learn their traditions and customs. Moreover as the USA is the biggest melting pot nation I would be surrounded with people from all around the world and that would encourage me to understand great deal of diversity. Studying and living in such diverse community will amplify my outlook dramatically, will broaden my thinking ability, and will encourage me to think globally.

For the past 3 years, Malaysia has been my second home. Living in different environment and culture has taught me a lot about myself ; what I am made of, deep ability within me to do anything I put in my mind and that I can adapt and fit in anywhere in this world. Being outgoing person who is welcome to meet new people and discover new things became my second nature and I firmly believe that attitude would make my US journey really productive. On another hand coming to the USA, I would not only bring my own culture, traditions with me but I would also be ambassador of another three unique cultures: Malay, Hindu, and Chinese. Teaching my own culture, cooking Turkmen tasty national dishes and meanwhile sharing beautiful Malay, Hindu and Chinese culture would promote mutual understanding between people of the United States of America and other countries. Personally I believe that would be the biggest contribution I can make as an exchange student to pass some experience, knowledge that cannot be bought and taught in the classrooms.

Furthermore another great part of my life that keeps me enthusiastic and ambitious is basketball game. Through years of playing this game, it has made me really flexible person to fit in any situation to get along with anyone and encouraged me to be leader. For sure this type of mindset of me will make fit in any type of environment in the USA and encourage me to get the best of it. Furthermore to play the game that I die for in the nation where sports are highly competitive and loved would make a dream, a goal of backyard baller come true and open up new opportunities.

To accomplish great thing we must not only act but also dream, not only dream but also believe. I believe I will get this life changing opportunity and truly feel myself as the second mouse who churned that cream into butter.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,333 3358  
Dec 24, 2016   #2
Parahat, excellent work on indicating how you will be an asset to the program by showing the kind of exchange student that you can be. One who will willingly learn from his host country because you are offering up your own cultural qualities in an exchange program that asks you to be a teacher as well as a student when it comes to cultural, academic, and social exchanges during your participation in the program. That said, there are still a number of changes that you should apply to the essay so that it will be more original in content. You have a few portions in it that are direct plagiarisms of other American stories and sayings.

Those additions just make the essay excessively long without really offering a clear relevance to the essay requirement of the program. So, in an effort to help you save on word count and keep the reviewer interested in what you are saying, I suggest that you retain only paragraphs 2, 3 and 5 for the essay, deleting all other paragraphs.

You don't really need to create the literary introduction because you need to get to the point sooner rather than later with the busy reviewer. Basketball doesn't really figure into the contributions that you can make to the program either so it would be best to remove that reference in the essay. Just focus on the exchange student mindset in reference to your performance within the program.

I believe that this shortened but more relevant and informative essay will be the best version that you can submit to the reviewer without having to change too much of the original content that you wrote. I am asking you to retain only the relevant paragraphs that can turn into a new essay, without you having to place additional information into the essay. It is more than informative enough based upon my suggested revision.

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