Hi guys~ I am going to apply KGSP 2017 for undergraduate study. This is my personal statement for the scholarship. Well, English is not my mother tongue so I need you guys' help to correct my grammar mistakes. It would be very helpful if you guys give me some suggestions and comments. Thanks!!!
I was raised in a middle class family and I was the second child in my family. My father worked as a factory worker while my mother is a housewife and my elder brother is now pursuing diploma in Tunku Abdul Rahman University College. Throughout my childhood, my father is the person who had influenced me the most. He always told me about the importance of education and how can education change a person's life. Hence, I was educated to become a highly motivated, enthusiastic and hardworking individual. I attended public school for both my primary and secondary education which were SJK(C) Pandan and SMK Taman Daya respectively. With my hardworking, I tend to gain consistent 'A' grades throughout my schooling experience including UPSR, PMR and SPM (Malaysian Certificates of Education) examinations. With these excellent results, I was always awarded the Best Student Award in my school. Now, I am studying the final semester for pre-university course in SMK Taman Daya and will be graduated at this coming November.
I am not a bookworm although I always work hard to maintain a good academic standing. In fact, I am constantly engaged in many extracurricular activities to enhance my personal development. I have a hero complex when I was young because of The Powerpuff Girls. Hence I joined our school's Taekwondo Club and hoping me could be a hero to help others. Of course I did not become a hero at the end of the day but I end up with building strong disciplines in myself and strengthen my physical and mental powers. I am currently a black belt (1st dan) holder. I managed to get a bronze medal in Sparring Competition (Women's 55-60kg) and gold medal for Poomsae Competition (Category Taeguk 8) within 5 years of training. Besides, I also registered as a member of Malaysia Civil Defence Force (JPAM) to learn first aid techniques. I and my teammates are selected to represent our school to compete in JPAM competition and we won a 2nd place in Women Rescue category. That was a great experience for us and I wish that I could use the skills acquired to help others when there is in an emergency.
My interest in science dates back to my childhood years. When I was little, my father bought me my first encyclopedia and read for me everyday when he came from work. The book taught me why the sky is blue, why the sun shines, why the birds can fly and the knowledge about the nature. That was the first time I was exposed to science. The desire to know more about the nature has motivated me to step into the broad world of science. I chose to become a science stream student for my secondary education and my ambition was to become a chemical engineer. Malaysia is a country which has a heavy reliance on oil exports, as the oil and fossil fuels are running out, I wish to contribute to the field of alternative energy industry to reduce our nation's heavy reliance on oil and fossil fuels.
For me, KGSP is not only a financial assistance to receive higher education in South Korea, it also will be a bridge which links between me and the cutting edge technology of this country. Korea is well-known with their high education standard especially in science and technology field as the country has invested heavily in education, science and technology since 1970s. Studying in the environment with high quality of research facilities, advanced theories and technologies will definitely prepare me to become a highly competitive professional in the future. Korean universities such as KAIST, Seoul National University has been actively conducted researches on chemical engineering in various field since many years ago. I feel so excited to become a part of them who will be the first person to develop and try out a new technology if I was given the opportunity to study in Korean Universities with this scholarship. Besides, KGSP also provide an opportunity for me to expand my perspective and develop my global vision through exchanging knowledge and culture with people from different nations. Not only Korean people, KGSP also provide a chance for me to build invaluable relationships with peers from around the world since there are so many country were invited in this program. Through immersing in the interesting Korean culture, learning Korean language and their manners, I believe that the 5 years life in Korea will enhance my personal development such as master a new language, develop communication skills, become truly independent and improve my problem-solving skills. I hope to bring back the advanced technology and knowledge from South Korea to develop my country and hopefully Malaysia can develop a knowledge-based economy like what South Korea had done one day. These are the reasons which deeply motivated me to apply KGSP scholarship and hopefully I am able to grab this once in a lifetime opportunity to reach my future goals.
These are the parts I have written, I haven't done the part of significant event yet. Did I addressed the prompt required properly? I wish my essay was convincing. Your help is very much appreciated!!! Thanks in advanced!
Hi MsPark,
I would only comment on your content as follows:
1) I think there is linking problem between different paragraphs that broke your essay into 4 separate parts. The first paragraph is about your general background, the 2nd one is about the extracurricular activities that you have done, the 3rd one is about your interest in science, and the last one is about the benefit of KGSP to you. I believe that rearranging them in order (by timing from your early age until now for e.g., your choice) would make it better.
2) My father worked as a factory worker while my mother is a housewife and my elder brother is ...
-> You have mentioned also your mom and brother in the first paragraph, but later on you did not explain anything about them. If you do not mean to discuss further on those two, i suggest to only mention your father - a factory worker & a breadwinner of the family of 4, who inspired you the most to pursue your current career path.
3) I was educated to become a highly motivated, enthusiastic and hardworking individual
-> You have used quite a lot of passive voices in your statement, some of them should be switch into active one in order to represent your confidence and sharp, I believe.
4) You keep listing information that (i guess) would already be included in your curriculum vitae. For e.g. i believe it is more important to discuss more of the process that change the old you rather than listing the medals or your school name.
5) I think it is better to avoid vague words like "various", "some" because it makes me feel like you do not deeply understand the topic that you are discussing. If you want to mention anything, i suggest to name it directly.
I hope this helps.
Ann
