'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay

hi again.. this time need help for the scholarship essay..
here are the points i need to refer to while writing the essay. and it has to be just of 300 words not more than that.

1. reasons for applying at BU and how will it help u in the future.
2. your existing academic record and where u achieved an exemplary standard in your studies.
3. proven level of english proficiency.
4. professional experience to date and your career aspirations.
5. how would u bring an exciting and valuable global perspective to your course at BU.
6. Outstanding achievements in the face of adversity and personal achievements.
7. what motivates you?
8. service to community or charitable work.
9. your intentions upon returning your home country.

don't know how to start..and finding it hard to connect the above points.. for no 1 and 2 i've written the following..

BU has one of the most advance educations in the world. BU's NCCA has the tie-ups with leading companies in the games industry, including Codemasters, Lionhead Studios and Rare. The University's major partners in the film industry include Framestore CFC and Dreamworks. Hence BU's program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.

My academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School. As a culmination of my efforts, I qualified for admission into the prestigious Maharashtra Institute of Technology affiliated to Pune University, India. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Pune University's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.

I have got all my academic knowledge from English medium institutes. English has been a part of my studies since I began learning. I have also given the IELTS test where I got a good result.

The technology motivates me to gain more knowledge so that I could utilize my skills to the growth of digital industry in my country. I wish to see Nepal following the latest technologies.

I have served as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. My work involved organizing various events like spelling contest, quiz contest and other co-curricular activities. I have also taught English to kindergarten children.

these are the paragraphs for no. 3, 7, 8 and 9. these are written in very simple language. I'll be writing for no.4, 5 and 6 as well.

I have worked as an assistant animator at Savant Associates, Nepal for three months. I was basically a volunteer practicing the 3Dsmax tool for which I had taken a course. My goal is to work as a designer for game companies or animation films.

As I belong to a different country, my creative qualities would reflect my background. (Plz elaborate this for no. 5)

My greatest achievement has to be the success of my project '3D Modeling (Gaming) in Symbian Platform. The project won many awards and was very appreciated.

Plz check all these paragraphs and help me in connecting them making the essay as short as possible. Thanks...

'BU has one of the most advanced educations in the world. BU's NCCA has the tie-ups with leading companies in the games industry, including Codemasters, Lionhead Studios and Rare. The University's major partners in the film industry include Framestore CFC and Dreamworks. Hence BU's program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.'

^In my opinion, well phrased and well written. However, whilst pleasing to BU, you are applying for a scholarship and the first two sentences does show some superficiality. How is BU one of the most advanced? What allows you to consider BU's education to be more 'advanced' than any other University in your area? Also, if it is only 'one of the most', why are you not considering the most 'advanced education'.

'My academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School. As a culmination of my efforts, I qualified for admission into the prestigious Maharashtra Institute of Technology affiliated to Pune University, India. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Pune University's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.'

^a comprehensive exposure.
Once again, how is Maharashtra Ins of Tech prestigious? In what regard? If I was to go by the typical, 'O it is so selective and very academic, and therefore has a great name and therefore offers a great education and a great job later on' approach, I would say that IIT is the prestigious University of India and completely disregard your statement of Maha..In Tec of being prestigious. It is best to just remove the word. It results in too many complications.

-So what if it is affiliated with Pune University.
-You did not talk about how you 'achieved an exemplary standard in your studies.'

'I have got all my academic knowledge from English medium institutes. English has been a part of my studies since I began learning. I have also given the IELTS test where I got a good result.

^Remove the first sentence.
-Secondly, what is a 'good result.' To some, 50 percent is an acceptable score. To those who are more focused on academics, nothing short of 95 percent may be acceptable...

4. professional experience to date and your career aspirations.
5. how would u bring an exciting and valuable global perspective to your course at BU.
6. Outstanding achievements in the face of adversity and personal achievements.
7. what motivates you?
8. service to community or charitable work.
9. your intentions upon returning your home country.

The technology motivates me to gain more knowledge so that I could utilize my skills to the growth of digital industry in my country. I wish to see Nepal following the latest technologies.

^Is this for point 9. You could have at least informed us or structured it properly so that we can understand your chronology. If it for point 4, then it does not address the topic.

I have served as a volunteerin Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. My work involved organizing various events like spelling contest, quiz contest and other co-curricular activities. I have also taught English to kindergarten children.

^Just say 'volunteered at Nepals...'
-make the 'contest' in plural form.

these are the paragraphs for no. 3, 7, 8 and 9. these are written in very simple language. I'll be writing for no.4, 5 and 6 as well.'
^Ah so now you mention it.

Do you have to reply in choronological order? In that case, which one is which?
Why dont you number them, so that it is easier for us to see how well on track you are.

'As I belong to a different country, my creative qualities would reflect my background. (Plz elaborate this for no. 5)'
^No. Why dont you come up with something and then ask for some input.
We can not write something for you, because we do not know what you intend to say.
Why dont you finish up first?

Since you've only got 300 words, the first thing to do (as you've begun to do) is to state simply and clearly the answer to each question.

Next, look at all the questions and ask yourself for which of them do you have things to say that will make you a more attractive candidate. Have you done especially exemplary volunteer work? Do you have an especially altruistic plan for what you will do with your degree? Whatever it might be, go back and say more about that question or those questions.

The key is to answer some of the questions as briefly as possible, so that you will have more words to sing your own praises in the areas of your greatest strength.

Once you've got them all written, post the whole draft here, in order, so that we can see and critique it. Don't worry about running over the word count at first, as we will certainly be able to find ways to make your answers more concise and bring you in under the limit.

"Nice essay, good luck" (that's your comment on other student's thread). Next time all moderators and contributors will write such 'comment' on your threads too...

i found the essay nice that's why i wrote that comment. I couldn't critique it cause i don't know how. sorry if i did a mistake...

Students who are uncertain writers themselves sometimes have difficulty feeling competent to critique others' work. They may feel hesitant to point out mistakes if they are not confident in their own abilities. That may be true for you. One thing that you can do for an essay that you like, instead of finding and fixing errors or coming up with criticisms, is to ask yourself: What would make this essay even better? A stronger conclusion? A more interesting introduction? More examples?

You can also ask yourself: What do I think about the topic of the essay? Then, if you have ideas that aren't in the essay, you can share those.

simone you read my mind... i felt the same cause i myself am a poor writer and when i went thru other people's essays i found all of them nice and well written. anyways thanks for your advice.

I've tried to write my essay plz have a look..

I am a science student with a flair for the arts. I am a woman with technical aptitude and an interest in animation. In retrospect I see that my academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Maharashtra Institute of Technology's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.

My interest in animation blossomed after the success of my project '3D modeling (gaming) in Symbian Platform'. This has been my most substantial accomplishment. Animation industry has changed our lives. It is one industry that has been growing rapidly since centuries.

My decision to pursue graduate study in the UK is underscored by my desire to be a part of the graduate program at your institution. BU offers the flexibility needed for such a vast and rapidly changing field. The research facilities and the faculty at the university are par excellent. Hence BU's program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.

Nepal is a developing country with a potential in the digital technology business. To serve the needs of this developing industry and to lead the country towards technology, my desire to get a graduate education becomes of utmost importance. I wish to fulfill my aspirations when I return after getting the experience from there.

My experiences include serving as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. I have been an English teacher as well. And I've practiced 3Dsmax tool being an assistant animator for three months. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world. These experiences have given me a broader perspective to and a good understanding of life and a goal to aim for.

I look forward to shaping my career in the halls of BU which will give me a leading edge to work effectively in diverse teams and situations.

I didn't write anything for no.3 and what do u think i should write for no. 5 and 7??

Then ask yourself "Why do I like this essay? What makes it so appealing?" A critique doesn't have to focus on what is wrong with an essay. Sometimes it can point out what is right, too. This is also a good learning exercise for you, because by identifying techniques that other writers use to make their work good, you will be able to draw on those techniques in your own essays.

"I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School." That's really very funny. If you couldn't handle the pressure there without fainting, I don't know if university is the place for you. Revise the part in red to say what you really mean.

"This has been my most substantial accomplishment." In that case you should probably tell the reader a bit more about it.

"My experiences include serving as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. I have been an English teacher as well. And I've practiced 3Dsmax tool being an assistant animator for three months. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world." Can you tie all of these in to your academic goals in some way, beyond the "broad perspective" angle?

Mentioning teaching English addresses #3. Your discussion of Nepalese culture and your own passion for travel begins to address #5. Don't skip #7; it is very important, and only you can answer it.


I'd like to see you flesh this out. Tell us more about each of these experiences and, as Sean says, then tie this into your goals as well as what you will bring to BU.

Thank you for your suggestions. as u mentioned i tried to improve the essay, please have a look.

I am a science student with a flair for the arts. I am a woman with technical aptitude and an interest in animation. In retrospect I see that my academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. After finishing school I went to pursue my career in Computer Engineering. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Maharashtra Institute of Technology's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.

...

"It won awards like most innovative project, second on open software category and best project on mobile application category." A pity it only won awards like most innovative project, because it would have been so much better if it has actually won the award for most innovative project.


I'd eliminate this sentence altogether. You don't really need it, and without context, it detracts from rather than adds to the impressiveness of what you are describing.

"My experiences include teaching English to the primary level children."

"And I have been a volunteer at Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage since six months." Do they even have adult orphanages? If not, you can eliminate the word "child." And has the organization really only be an orphanage for six months, as you claim, or is that that was how long you volunteered there?

"The research facilities and the faculty at the university are par excellent"

Thanks... yes my project actually won awards in these categories. maybe i couldn't put them in words properly.. the word limit is 300 and its more.. and plz help me with the line inside the bracket..i think it needs to be included..

"And I have been a volunteer for the past six months at Nepal Children's Organization, an orphanage since the last six months. "

"It won awards for being the most innovative project, second onone of the best open-source software categoryprograms, and the best programawardfor a mobile application category "

"(here i wanted to mention that i could share my creativity as i belong to a different back ground.. but couldn't put it into proper words)" Well, what is your background, and how does it make you creative?

Thanks Sean.. i won't add that sentence at all.. i guess i've mentioned the points they wanted me to refer.. now the thing is how to make it a 300 word essay...

I am a science student with a flair for the arts. I am a woman with technical aptitude and an interest in animation. In retrospect I see that my academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far. After finishing school I went to pursue my career in Computer Engineering. In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth of Maharashtra Institute of Technology's syllabi content that has given me a comprehension exposure and a strong conceptual understanding of computer science.

My interest in animation blossomed after the success of my project '3D modeling (gaming) in Symbian Platform'. It won awards for being the most innovative project, one of the best open source software programs and the best program for a mobile application. It was also presented in Gaming Developer's Conference (GDC) 2007 held at San Francisco.

My experiences include teaching English to primary level children. I have had a course in 3Dsmax tool which I enjoyed. I have also worked as an assistant animator at Savant Associates for three months. And I have been a volunteer for the past six months at Nepal Children's Organization, an orphanage. Besides these, I love playing sports and have been a part of most of the extra curricular activities since school. These experiences have given me a broader perspective to and a good understanding of life and a goal to aim for.

Animation industry has changed our lives. It is one industry that has been growing rapidly since centuries.
Moreover, Nepal is a developing country with a potential in the digital technology business. To serve the needs of this developing industry and to lead the country towards technology, my desire to get a graduate education becomes of utmost importance. To give back the society more than what receive(d) is more or less what I have in mind. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world. I believe my strong point is the courage to face challenges added to my stress on quality, in all my actions and to work in group situations.

My motivation for graduate study comes from my thirst for knowledge; desire to contribute to the society and fulfilling my objective. The research facilities and the faculty at the university are excellent. I believe BU will give me a leading edge to work effectively in diverse teams and situations. Hence BU's program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.

First, congratulations: This is so much stronger than when you began. The details make all the difference!

Now, as you say, it's just a matter of cutting it down to size, which we can do by eliminating excess words and phrases.

For example...

In retrospect I see that my academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far.

In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth ofThe Maharashtra Institute of Technology's syllabi content that hasgave me a comprehensi exposure and a strong practical and conceptual understanding of computer science.

Besides these, I love playing sports and have been a part of manyof theextra-curricular activities since school .

That includes sentences that have nothing to do with you, or that state generic information that isn't particularly interesting.

"Animation industry has changed our lives. It is one industry that has been growing rapidly since centuries. Moreover, Nepal is a developing country with a potential in the digital technology business"

Thank you so much both of you... well even after taking these lines out, hardly 20 words were eliminated...the essay still has 380 words.. can the first two sentences be merged to make a single line as "I am a woman with technical aptitude with a flair for the arts."? except for this can't see anything that can be reduced..

also what about eliminating this line??
"To give back the society more than what receive(d) is more or less what I have in mind."

"It was also presented in Gaming Developer's Conference (GDC) 2007 held at San Francisco."
I have mentioned this line in my sop too so can this be eliminated as well?? but its my plus point too...

I know that my suggestions alone removed more than 20 words, and Sean suggested another cut. I meant my suggestions as examples. What you need to do is look at what I did there and then apply the same principle of cutting unneeded words and phrases to every single sentence. There may be some whole sentences you can cut, but most of your reductions will come from paring sentences down rather than cutting them altogether.

For example:
"I want to give back the society more than I have received is more or less what I have in mind ."

Me too. I certainly didn't go through and cut everything that you could get rid of -- that's your job. I just wanted to give you an example of the sort of thing to look for when searching for things to cut.

Thanks again.. I've tried to shorten the essay but eliminated some sentences fully. i guess those sentences were not that necessary to be included. but still 13 words remain extra.. plz suggest sth..

"I have had a course in 3Dsmax tool which I enjoyed." = 'I took an enjoyable course in 3dsmax"

"I also love playing sports and have been a part of many extra curricular activities since school. These experiences have given me a broader perspective to, a good understanding of life and a goal to aim for." = "I also love playing sports and have participated in many extracurricular activities that have given me a broader perspective on life."

Don't know how to thank you guys...yeah..my word count is 298 now..without the spaces..what do u think about the essay now...is it fine? i hope my essay follows the reference points they had asked to follow and thank you very very much...

I am a woman with technical aptitude and a flair for the arts. After finishing school I went to pursue my career in Computer Engineering. The Maharashtra Institute of Technology gave me a strong practical and conceptual understanding of computer science. My interest in animation blossomed after the success of my project '3D modeling in Symbian Platform'. It won awards for being the most innovative project, one of the best open source software programs and the best program for a mobile application. It was also presented in Gaming Developer's Conference at San Francisco.

My experiences include teaching English to primary level children. I took an enjoyable course in 3Dsmax tool. I have also worked as an assistant animator at Savant Associates for three months. And I have been a volunteer for the past six months at Nepal Children's Organization, an orphanage. I also love playing sports and have been a part of many extra curricular activities. These experiences have given me a broader perspective on life.

Nepal is a developing country with a potential in the digital technology business. To serve the needs of this developing industry, my desire to get a graduate education becomes of utmost importance. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world. I believe my strong point is the courage to face challenges added to my stress on quality and to work in group situations.

My motivation for graduate study comes from my thirst for knowledge; desire to contribute to the society and fulfilling my objective. The research facilities and the faculty at the university are excellent. BU's program would be a great environment to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.

This is much stronger than when you began. We do get a sense of your personality as well as your skills. Your skills appear strong and you also can contribute to the diversity the school seeks.

It was also presented at the Gaming Developer's Conference at San Francisco.

Thanks a ton..
I want to change the second line.. could you suggest something..with the same meaning... also i want to add a word after "Maharashtra Institute of Technology" ,Pune or India.. which would be better.. the country's name or the city's name?

I am a woman with technical aptitude and a flair for the arts. After finishing school I went to pursue my career in Computer Engineering. The Maharashtra Institute of Technology gave me a strong practical and conceptual understanding of computer science. My interest in animation blossomed after the success of my project '3D modeling in Symbian Platform'. It won awards for being the most innovative project, one of the best open source software programs and the best program for a mobile application. It was also presented at the Gaming Developer's Conference at San Francisco.

I don't think you need to add anything. I assume that the full details of any school you attended are listed elsewhere in your application materials.


After finishing school, I went to pursueda career in Computer Engineering.

i guess my essay is ready now...
once again...thanks a lot... i'm sending the essay today.. hope i get the scholarship...

Good luck! Let us know how it turns out. Even if you don't get this particular scholarship, you've learned more about writing while crafting this essay. That will help you in the future, no matter what.

Yes, you put in a lot of work polishing this essay, and it shows. Good luck, and let us know if you get the scholarship or not.

thank you very much simone and sean... i really appreciate your help.. yes i've learnt a lot.. and definitely i'll let u guys know if i got the scholarship..thanks again..