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Bullying/ threatening/ comrades; GATES Scholarship; Unfairly treated


cityhunter 1 / -  
Jan 6, 2013   #1
Hi everyone, I am applying for the Gates scholarship and I'd like some feedbacks/edits on that essay. Any kind of help is appreciated. thanks.

Several months after I migrated to the United States from Benin, during the summer of 2010, I was put in summer school. It was my ESL teacher's decision; she believed the interaction I would have with other students would drastically improve my reading, writing, and people skills. I was reluctant of going, mainly because summer school was the hub for poorly behaving kids who thought fighting and bullying was a sign of ultimate supremacy. Weeks later, I started behaving like them. Don't get me wrong, I knew exactly what I was doing. Having been observing them, I came to the conclusion that behaving like them would allow me to blend in, diminishing my chances of being bullied. I reckon the incident happening in a hot day towards the end of summer school. One kid from my class named Gilbert, who also belonged to my original school, had a former altercation with a kid in the hallways, whose name I don't recall. It was never settled, and I recalled one saying to the other "See me after school, real rap. I would sock you". Being foreign to that type of language, I asked my best friend what he meant. He explained me most of the kids used slang to communicate with each other, and the only thing I had to take from their exchange was that they're settling their differences in a fist fight. I was so muddled back then to why they had to result in animalistic ways to resolve their problem. It was not until years later that I truly understood what my best friend meant. Towards the end of the school day, Gilbert and the other kid decided to leave early and fight behind the school, where there weren't any cameras. We were about a dozen leaving; among us my best friend, the other kid's twin, and other people from my classroom. There, Gilbert and the other kid dropped their book bags and came close to each other. The rest of them formed a circle around the fighters, keeping one from fleeing. It was horrifying for me to be standing there and watch, never in my life have I seen a human being throw a punch at his comrade in an attempt to hurt him. The other kid was dominating the fight, and made Gilbert bleed. It was then that I could not stand being an innocent bystander, so I jumped in the fight to try to separate them. I was then struck in the face by a kid named Joseph, who did not want the fight to end. Following this, my best friend came to my rescue, threatening Joseph that he would knock him out if he touched me again. Due to my attempt of helping Gilbert, there was an opening in the man-made cage, helping him flee from the fight. I felt proud of myself for causing the fight to end, but I was very bitter because I had never been hit in the face by any of my comrades. I believed the situation was unfair because Gilbert was not given a chance to flee from the fight, even after he started bleeding. In my attempt of rescuing him, I knew I would make a difference. I was hoping to influence my comrades in having a change of heart, and even though it did not happen, I am happy I helped a friend in times of need.
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 13, 2015   #2
Several months after I migrated to the United States from Benin, during the summer ofin 2010, I was put in summer school

I was reluctant of goingto go , mainly because summer school was the hub for poorly behavinged kids who thought fighting and bullying was a sign of ultimate supremacy.

I reckon the incident happeninged onin a hot day towards the end of summer school.

One kidof my classmates, ]from my class named Gilbert, who also belonged to my original school , had a nformer altercation with anothe classmatewith a kid in the hallways, whose name I don't recall .

This is an interesting essay. I have a few suggesations. First, do not use kid. It is slang and inappropriate for a college entrance essay. Second, I would not refer to your classmates as comrades. Comrads are like brothers, people who know each other well, and a lot of you are obviously not close.


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