"Me, my career and my goals" essay - International Scholarship

Hello good soul :)
this is my task : "Submit a 400 word (maximum) essay including background, educational and career goals, outstanding achievements, employment history, and any pertinent information such as extracurricular activities, awards that would assist the committee in the selection process."

I am still not good in English and I am don't know what the essay should really include. Please take a look on the essay :). I really appreciate any kind of help - grammar, ideas, etc.

Also, my essay is about 630 words, so I need to cut it down to 400.

I was born in the capital city of Austria, Vienna, to a wonderful family. My parents with us, seven children, have hopefully not only many problems but also a lot of fun. My father works as a director of NGO and my mother as a nurse, while we, children, study universities, secondary schools, or elementary Schools.

During my first years in the Elementary School with extended language teaching I got excited about English. I liked the way our teacher provided us songs, and games in English, but mainly I remember how my father took serious concern about supervising how we understand this language. The point that he did not really care about any other classes made me work hard. I needed to live a decade more to understand how important was his approach. My excitement about helping people and nursing lead me to choose attend Secondary Church School for Nurses. After four years I gladly finished it with a diploma.

There is one important reality I did not mention yet. I love Abalone. My father thinks that Abalone is a great game that gives you the basic ideas about world and that is why he taught his whole family how to play it. I started to play when I was about five years old and I still do. Even though my father never meant any of us to play Abalone on such a high level, we were improving a lot and currently we are one of the best in our country. In 2008 I was the European Champion and a year before a Vice- World Champion. Beside Abalone I love sport. I like tennis, ping-pong, ice-hockey and I used to play basketball for about ten year. Our team won few medals, however these achievements cannot be seriously compared to the ones in Abalone.

During my free time, I like volunteering. I help the Charity of Prague their collections and projects. In 2009 I and my friends decided to work as volunteers during FIS World Championship that was held in our country. We enjoyed helping with these event and we were amazed by the cultural differences. We have understood that world events do unite world. Unsurprisingly, two years after, we decided to volunteer again but this time for the European Winter Olympic Festival.

I was not sure if I should start a University in Health Department, choose another Department, or be an Abalone professional player. Despite many hours of considering and calculating my possible paths, I decided to take a year of and work as a hotel receptionist with having the opportunity to travel and play tournaments. Nevertheless, after a few moths in my new job I got an amazing offer from U.S. University - studying their XX University and playing Abalone for their University Team. This time I just understood how great it is to understand another language and how many opportunities it opens. This is my second semester at UXX and I am very satisfied. I also enjoy being part of Catholic Campus Ministry and I am happy do not have to be always alone to worship our God.

I chose communications as my career, because in my opinion, having the tool of right communication is useful and beneficial. If I want to make any change in today's social problems first I need to do is the give the information or the specific solution in the type of language people can understand. Wrong interpretation causes unnecessary troubles and I do not want to be just aware of it, I want prevent it. I know, I want to continue playing Abalone and finish my baccalaureate degree. However the future is still cloudy. Maybe I will join my father's NGO and start my own projects, or I will continue playing Abalone, or maybe something completely different. All I want to is to grasp as many information as possible and be ready to face my future.

Here are my suggestion for you to cut down the word count;

I was born in the capital city of Austria, Vienna, to a wonderful familycome from a wonderful fun loving Austrian family with seven children.My parents with us, seven children, have hopefully not only many problems but also a lot of fun. My father works asis a director of an NGO and my mother asis a nurse., while we, children, study universities, secondary schools, or elementary Schools.And my sibblings are students from the elemantary to tertiary levels education.

During my first years in the Elementary School with extended language teachingI remember howgot excited I was about learning English, the English poems, songs and games, in the Elementary school . I liked the way our teacher provided us songs, and games in English , but mainly I remember how my father took serious concern about supervising how we understand this languagemonitoring our progress with English unlike his approach to any other subject . . The point that he did not really care about any other classes made me work hard.I needed to live a decade more to understand how important was his approach.Then mM y excitement aboutpassion for helping and caring for people and nursing lead meled me to choose attend Secondary Church School for Nurses. After four years I gladly finished it with a diploma.where I completed my Nursing Diploma.

There is one important reality I did not mention yet.Besides my acadamic interests, I love Abalone. My father thinks thatviews Abalone isas a great game that gives you the basic ideasteaches the fundamentals of theabout world and that is why he taught his whole family how to play it . I started to play when I was about five years old and I still dohave been playing Abalone since I was five . Even though my father who taught us how to play Abalone never meant any of us to play Abalone on such a high levelexpected that we would reach such heights,we were improving a lot and currently we aretoday our family is one of the best in our country. In 2008 I was the European Champion and a year before a Vice- World Champion. Beside Abalone I love sports such asI like tennis , ping-pongtable-tennis , ice-hockey and I used to played basketball for about ten years . Our team won few medals, however these achievements cannot be seriously compared towith the ones in Abalone.

I was born in the capital city of Austria, Vienna, to a wonderful family of 9 people:M my parents andwith us, seven children. We have hopefully not only many problems but also a lot of fun. My father works as a director of a Non Goverment Organization ( NGO) and my mother as a nurse, while we, children, study universities, secondary schools, or elementary Schools .

During my first years in the Elementary School with extended language teaching I got excited about English. I liked the way our teacher provided us songs, and games in English,.bB ut mainly I remember how my father took serious concern about supervising how we understoodunderstand this language., thatThe point that he did not really care about any other classes made me work hard. I needed to live a decade more to understand how important was his approach was . My excitement about helping people and nursing leadled me to choose attend Secondary Church School for Nurses. After four years I gladly finished it with a diploma.

There is one important reality I did not mention yet. I love Abalone. My father thinks that Abalone is a great game that gives you the basic ideas about world and that is why he taught hisour whole family how to play it. I started to play when I was about five years old and I still do. Even though my father never meant any of us to play Abalone on such a high level, we were improving a lot and currently we are one of the best players in our country. In 2008 I was the European Champion in 2008 and a year before a Vice- World Champion in 2007 . Beside Abalone I love sport. I like tennis, ping-pong, ice-hockey and I used to play basketball for about ten years . Our team won a few medals, however these achievements cannot be so seriouslyascompared to the ones in Abalone.

During my free time, I like volunteering. I help the Charity of Prague their collections and projects. In 2009 I and my friends and I decided to work as volunteers during FIS no abbreviation World Championship that was held in our country. We enjoyed helping with these events and we were amazed by the cultural differences.

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Hi there,
I am running out of time so I could only correct some of the spelling and grammar mistake. In my view, it is more important that you should restructure your essay to describe your career path, goals and hobbies, that are relevant to the objectives of the scholarship. Your essay should answer the questions:

1. who are you? what is your career goal your ambitions?
2. to what extend the scholarship will attribute you to achieve your career goal and ambitions?
3. Why should they give you the scholarship?
4. What will you can create the impact if you receive the scholarship/
...
I don't know exactly what the scholarship for, but something like those questions should be address. you should not write on what you are not clear about.

Hope it helps

Thanks for your correction! It helped me to remake it :)
Tomorrow I am going to submit it so hope it will work!