Hello EssayForum team,
The following is an essay for a small scholarship. This is just a draft. Can you please advise me and let me know if I have answered every question? I feel like the essay is all over the place, but then again, that is my own insecurity. Can I improve the essay by organizing it better? What do you think?
I appreciate any help you provide.
Describe your educational career and life goals. Explain your plan for achieving these goals. Include your degree/major, why you selected it, and how this degree/major will help you achieve your goals.
On May 12, 2016, I walked across a stage at the Fort Lauderdale convention center to receive my Associate's Degree diploma from Broward College. After two and a half years of hard work and dedication, I made it to the top of the rock: Graduation. Having focused on math, science, and physics, I chose to continue my education and pursue a career as an Aerospace Engineer, with the goal of advancing my studies to the graduate and Ph.D. level in the same area. My main goals in life are to live a passionate life of learning, advance in life professionally, and inspire the youth to pursue their dreams and careers by continuing their education.
My plan for achieving these goals is to transfer to Georgia Institute of Technology in the fall of 2016 to begin my upper level studies in Aerospace Engineering. It is a rigorous program and in one of the toughest universities in the country, but the education at this school is of the highest quality and world-renowned. In order to achieve my life goals, I need to do my best while at the school: participate in clubs and secure leadership roles, attain good grades, form close relationships with professors, and work in internships and apply to do research work at the school. By taking advantage of the university's resources, I will be able to achieve my goals and professionally advance in life. Also, the school has many opportunities to travel countrywide and meet with potential students, a good way to find any potential students that would contribute to the community and the world at large.
I chose Aerospace Engineering for several reasons. Since I was a child until now, I have always enjoyed flight. I still feel like a kid when boarding an airplane. Not only do I sit there in awe, but also I analyze the structure, the wing, the rivets, the sign that says, "Do not step here" on the wing, and the small hole in the window. In these moments of awe is when I wonder how this big structure was built, and I ask myself, "Can I design something like this?" My mind starts moving and thinking of ways to improve flight, and it is what led me to look beyond the airplanes to rockets and spaceships for interplanetary travel. The space race took us to the moon and beyond, and in this day in age, the world is trying to reach planets beyond low Earth orbit. My goal as an engineer is to contribute to research and further propulsion technology, to the point that space travel will almost be like riding a car. Many industries, including SpaceX, want to reach Mars by next ten years, and it is my plan to be a part of such a team. I believe that as we learn and grow and increase our knowledge of technology, we will make it viable to live in other planets. With my passion and curiosity and ability to lead, I know I will leave a footprint by working alongside a team to advance this technology.
Attaining this degree will change my life professionally; it will help me keep my mind and brain active from life-long learning. But the most important reason why I want to pursue this career is to lift out youth. With the upsurge of technology and the growth of the sedentary lifestyle of children, I want to change things around and encourage kids to turn from using their cellphones and gadgets, to actually building and designing gadgets. If we help a generation to become creators instead of consumers, we will change the world completely for the better. From what I learned at Broward College, success is about helping others, it is not just about me.
Hi, I believe that your essay is beautifully written. Very nice job. From what I can see you have included everything asked which is great and my only correction is minor. I feel as though the end didn't grab me. Maybe draw up a stronger sentence to really make a statement at the end of your essay?! Other than that, and even with that, you should be very proud! Good luck!
Hi Juan. I learned many things from your scholarship essay. I thought that people are unable to put their creativity in writing a scholarship essay, but seeing this essay changes my perspective about what makes a personal statement or motivational letter looks interesting. I love the way you tell your story, your motivation, and of course your future goals. On top of that, the ideas in your essay are well-organized too. Maybe simplifying several ideas will not hurt anyway.
Good luck, wishing for the best results :D