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"Why career in a health-related field" - Perseverance. Endurance. Diligence. Tylonel



ericao2010 12 / 32  
May 19, 2011   #1
Hello! I am applying for a health related scholarship and I need help seeing if I answered the question fully. Thanks

Describe which experiences or persons have contributed to your plans to pursue a career in a health-related field.

Perseverance. Endurance. Diligence. These are only a few traits that can depict who I have become. And the person that I have been molded into today was made only through my life experiences. Raised by a foreign single mother and being the oldest of three siblings, I know what it is like to go through life with not having enough financial resources. I also know how it feels to not have anyone else but your family to look upon because everybody else has shunned you. However, the trials I faced did not define the person I was meant to be.

So instead of giving up, I fought for a better future. Though my mom cannot fully provide for my siblings and me financially, she has never let that barrier obstruct me from obtaining an excellent education. She always wants the best for my siblings and me, stressing to us that where you are now does not have to be where you are in the future; what you do now is what determines your future. Since she did not receive the full educational opportunities that my siblings and I now have, she made sure that we went to school and will eventually go to college, whether we could afford it or not. This sort of mentality is what made me pursue a comfortable life that I could one day attain. My mom made me see that the sky is my limit; I can do anything I want if I just set my mind to it.

Ultimately, my mother is why I am chasing my dream to become a pediatrician. My decision to be a doctor so that I can help people may sound cliché, but honestly it is something I truly have my heart set upon to do. I have always dreamt of opening up my own clinic in my home country, Nigeria, to help all people who cannot afford medical treatment. I was born and raised in Dallas, but my heart and soul rests in my Nigerian culture. Giving back to Nigeria means so much to me because I know the difficulties and barriers to obtaining access to hospitals there. It is something I feel like I owe not only to my mother, but to my heritage.

Langston Hughes once said "hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." I have refused to let go of my aspirations because I know that if I can believe it than I can achieve it and this scholarship will give me the funds I need to complete my journey to success. To see my mom truly happy for once in her life and to know that I influenced that is worth it all. I am not fighting merely for a better life, but I am fighting for my mother's happiness.

zailn 6 / 16  
May 21, 2011   #2
Perhaps because I share a similar family background with yours, I am touched as I read your essay, and I love the ending.

I honestly think that you have written a great essay, great in both the content and the grammar. In the 2nd paragraph though, I guess you could make some amends on the tenses, because it gets quite confusing to see the tenses jump to present and future and past so often.

Another thing is, I see that it's your mom and the financial situation that is shaping you into a diligent person, but I don't see the direct connection between "the influence your mom has on you" and "wishing to be a doctor". I rather see the connection between "poor access to hospital in nigeria" to "wishing to be a doctor".

I guess you are trying to talk about "experiences", but at first glance I thought you were talking about "person" - your mom. So in response to the question, I guess you could make a clearer indication on what aspect you are talking about like in the beginning...?

Nevertheless this is a really great essay. I hope you can get the scholarship!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
May 21, 2011   #3
... to go through life without having...

Keep it in the first person plural form:
... stressing to us that where we are now does not have to be where we are in the future; what we do now...

My mom made me see that the sky is my limit; I can do anything I want if I just set my mind to it. This part has to be revised. It is a big cliche! 2 cliches, actually.

My decision to be a doctor so that I can help people may sound cliché---Yes it does. You can say it in a better way. You can help people as a cop, but that is not your calling. You want to help people in a particular way. You want to help with those very deep experiences of illness and recovery. So... dig deep, and express your unique truth!

I have always dreamt of opening up my own clinic in my home country, Nigeria, to help all people who cannot afford medical treatment. I was born and raised in Dallas, but my heart and soul rests in my Nigerian culture. ---oh, very good. This is the good stuff right here. But back it up with knowledge. Discuss your philosophy of medicine and some books or articles you have read in a proactive effort to learn.

Langston Hughes once said, "Hold fast to...

:-) Nice! I'm excited for you.


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