Hello everybody, I just want some help with these three scholarship essays below for FSU. I just want to improve them and I admit that they were hastily written, so grammar mistakes and so forth are probably present. I also want to bring attention to the content of the essays; I feel like they're not "good" enough, but maybe you guys think otherwise. I don't know if my Vires or Artes essays are up to par, persay... At the same time, I don't really know what to do to them. So yeah, give me all the constructive criticism you guys can dish out :P Thanks!
Prompt:
Select a torch and submit a short essay (250 words maximum) on the qualities that torch represents and how it is a part of something you personally value.
Here are the names of the three torches and their ideals:
Vires, which stands for physical, moral, and intellectual Strength;
Artes, which symbolizes knowledge, the appreciation of beauty, and Skill; and
Mores, which represents custom, tradition, and Character.
A panel of judges will select one essay winner for each torch. You may write an essay for more than one torch.
*Note: For the second (Artes) essay, the allusion to Prometheus is relevant because the 3 FSU torches represent the fire he gave to man (he stole it from Zeus like a boss in order to make man to be of a higher order than animals).
Vires
Vires, which represents strength of all forms, provides humankind its characteristic tenacity. Its spirit pushes us to persevere against all adversity in order to achieve our potentials. I, for example, have felt the power of Vires as a martial artist.
Practicing martial arts bestowed upon me physical strength. To me, perseverance against physical limits is indicative of physical strength. I have trained with kickboxing state champions, and have been beaten up by them, but I am not dissuaded. No matter the bruises or micro-fractures in my shins I have continued on. Clearly, my martial arts training has developed my physical strength.
Furthermore, practicing martial arts has developed my moral strength. My teachers have always advocated, as cliché as it sounds, that the strong must protect the weak. I have implemented this teaching in my life by volunteering to help the mentally handicapped and raising money for water wells in Africa. Thus martial arts training has developed my moral strength.
Finally, practicing martial arts instilled in me the mental discipline required for intellectual strength. I have achieved academic success in rigorous IB and AP courses and nearly aced the ACT through sheer hard work. I have also never suffered from the infamous "senioritis." Therefore, practicing martial arts has fostered my intellectual strength.
Vires has always aided me in the past and so I will continue to embody its spirit as a proud Seminole. The spirit of Vires, however, is inherent to all of us and will guide us through life's hardships.
Artes
As Aristotle once astutely observed, "All men, by nature, desire knowledge." The pursuit for knowledge has enthralled humankind throughout all of recorded history. Artes represents this thirst for knowledge. It engenders deep-seated curiosity that has permitted us to understand the most ostensibly unknowable of concepts. Without the spirit that Artes embodies, progress would surely cease. This fact, in of itself, makes Artes a beautiful virtue. Interestingly, however, the spirit of Artes can awaken our intellectual curiosity quite unexpectedly.
I once performed an experiment to determine the molar volume of a gas at standard conditions. As I analyzed the data, I serendipitously noticed that the ideal gas law more accurately led to the molar volume of a gas than standard stoichiometrical calculus does. I was initially baffled, but I was extremely interested as to why this puzzling phenomenon occurred. I reviewed the relevant concepts, but could not find any mention of this phenomenon. As I intently pondered over the subject, I realized that the ideal gas equation accounts for more relevant variables than does Stoichiometry! I felt profound pride as I stumbled upon this subtle discovery.
While this discovery is admittedly small (and I am sure chemists already knew of this phenomenon), the thrill of solving the puzzle enkindled an intellectual curiosity inside of me. As Artes symbolizes one of the most important qualities Prometheus bestowed upon man-the curious mind, I cannot help but to aspire to uphold its ideals at Florida State University as both a student and assistant researcher.
Mores
The Fall of Saigon was a terrible blow to many Southern Vietnamese, such as my parents. My parents were lucky enough, however, to escape the newly Communist Vietnam. My father, however, had to leave most of their respective families behind.
Fortunately, my father's parents were able to move over here a few years ago. The partially re-united family rejoiced in the conclusion to the painful and prolonged separation of kin. My grandparents, however, suffered contemplating how their son, my father, had to grow up without their guidance. Likewise, my father wistfully expressed sorrow at growing up with an empty void where his parents should have been.
We decided to make the most of what time we had left. We constantly had family outings and helped each other in household chores. My grandparents even moved into a house across the street so that that we could spend even more time together. Vietnamese traditions became even more prevalent in my home as my parents attempted to make my grandparents feel at home.
I, however, realized that I needed to go see the world for myself in order to grow as an individual. I decided to attend a college almost 300 miles away from home, against my family's wishes, in order to develop as an individual.
Despite my choice to leave my family, I still believe in maintaining family customs and tradition. I will discover myself here at Florida State University, but I won't forget to make surprise visits home.
