"I am very close with my family" - Scholarship Essay

This is the prompt I was given and the essay is written below it.
The scholarship essay helps scholarship providers get to know you a little better. Answer the following questions to help get you started.
-Tell us about who you are; your family, your interests
-What er your long range goals, where do you see yourself in about 10 to 20 years?
-How has your education so far prepared you for reaching your next goal?
-How are you different from others in your class and what sets you apart?
-What life experiences have you had that helped shape you?

Personal Essay
My name is Britney Prince and I am a senior at San Jacinto High School. My G.P.A. is a 4.26 and I am ranked number four out of the three hundred and ninety-seven students in my class. I like helping others so I have 264 hours of community service. Some things you might want to know about me are: I am very close with my family, I participate in extra-curricular activities, and I will not let anything stop me in pursuing my goals and dreams.

I am very family-oriented because my family means everything to me. At home, I live with my dad Craig, my mom Lisa, my older sister Candice, my twin sister Briana, and my younger brother Craig II. My dad works hard to provide for his family. It hurts me to see him work so much and to see how tired he is when he gets home everyday. One of my goals is to retire him so he doesn't have to work that hard. My mother is a stay at home mom. She stayed home and taught us respect and almost everything we know. My older sister Candice goes to MSJC and she works part-time. My twin sister Briana is similar to me in many ways. Such as our determination and willingness. My brother Craig is a sixth grader at North Mountain Middle School and he is very smart. Something that I like about my family is that they support me in everything I do.

I like participating in extra-curricular activities because it's a way of getting involved in school. The I participate in are: National Honor Society (3 years), CSF ( 3 years), and ASB in which I was Class President for three years and now hold the position of ASB President. Lastly, I love sports. My favorite sports are basketball and track. I have been on varsity teams since my freshmen year. Without sports and my other extra curricular activities, I do not know how I would have been able to survive high school. I'm proactive and very outgoing and so excited for my journey through life as an adult.

In about ten to twenty years I see myself as a successful R.N. or a bank teller at a successful bank. My education has prepared me so far because the courses I take prepares me for the field I will be studying in the future. I am different from others in my class because I am determined and I never give up. I will not let anyone or anything get in my way of pursuing my goals. The reason why I am so determined is mainly because of my Auntie Ann, who died December 29, 2004. My aunt meant everything to me she was always there when I needed her and I felt she would always be there for me. But when she died from lung cancer, I thought my whole world was falling apart. But then I remembered that when she was living, she made me promise that I would go to school and be somebody. Till this day she is the reason why I never give up. I shine like a star in everything I do and I just hope and pray she is looking down on me smiling proudly of all my accomplishments. Although I'm still devastated about her death, even though it has almost been 6 years, I will continue to keep my promise to her. I'm hoping to go to a college where I can learn and have fun at the same time. And like I always say, "Auntie Ann, this is for you." Remembering what she expected of me is why I will go to great lengths to fulfill her last wish and make her proud.

Britney,

I like this essay...though there are some basic grammatical errors you need to address. For one, it's straight forward and no B.S. It gives an honest glimpse into who you are and shows that you have a good work ethic, are active in your school, and possess good character...would not hurt to elaborate on some of the ways that you have volunteered in your local community. As far as content goes, it might be worth expanding on why you want to pursue nursing...maybe explain how you want to explore advanced preventive care techniques that could help prevent the number of patients suffering from preventable conditions. Also, unless you are dead set on possibly being a teller at a successful bank, it might be worth omitting. Wish you the best! -B

As a matter of style and focus, it might be best not to include the names:
At home, I live with my dad Craig, my mom Lisa, my older sister Candice, my twin sister Briana, and my younger brother Craig II. ---The sentence can be more efficient without the names. Yet, if you want to include them as tribute to the people, that is cool!

In about ten to twenty years I see myself as a successful R.N. or a bank teller at a successful bank. ---- what?! These are very different. I wonder what it is that makes you like this combination. I urge you to spend one hour each day researching career options to make sure you keep all your options open and choose the best courses.

Hey, I think you will be well received. This is impressive, and you have a great writing style. I hope, though, that you can find a way at the end of the first and last paragraphs to express a theme that unites the main ideas of the essay -- family, determination, nursing/banking (??), Auntie Anne, and so forth. What unites these ideas? Express an overarching theme.